My wife is leaving after 25 years

[John-Doe]

After 25 years together and being married for 19 years with 3 children my wife recently told me that she doesn't love me anymore and hasn't for years and she wants to seperate. I tried to talk her into going to marriage counselling but she was not interested. She said she just doesn't feel that way about me anymore and that it is not something that can be forced. Don't get me wrong she was not nasty about it , she was upset about it herself and she still cares for me but she doesn't love me in that way anymore. It is all my fault. I suffer from lots of mental health issues , anxiety , depression , and various personality disorders and found myself stuck in a zone for years which caused me to live in my own world and not realise I was neglecting my wife and our marriage. Since she has told me it has shocked me into realising how bad I have let my mental health take over my life and am finally doing something about it. But losing my wife has totally crushed me.  I feel so helpless , so depressed , I stuggle to enjoy spending time with my kids or anyone because I have to constantly try to not start crying as I don't want them to see me upset. I don't have anybody , I have only ever had one true friend who I also never see or talk to because of the way I let myself become. Whenever my depression got bad it was my wife who was there for me , but now all I want to do is hug her , I need her to be there for me but she is the one that is no longer there for me anymore. Then there is all the other stress on top about finances and living that is all going to have to change and the thought of her moving on and meeting someone else or even just being with someone else is killing me. I just really don't want to be alive anymore. I don't feel like I have a future that can be a happy one. Every dream I have ever had involved having my wife there with me. I hate myself. I am a failure at everything I do. I don't want to be alive anymore but yet I don't want to die either. I know that doesn't make sense but its how I feel right now. I don't know if I will get anything out of this but I need to air how I am feeling. I would have liked to have explained in more detail but was restricted by the character limit. 

[Sophie_M]

Dear John-Doe,

It is good you found the courage to post about grieving the loss of your marriage in our forums. We are a safe, supportive, and nonjudgmental community.

We are sorry to hear that you and your wife have grown apart during the past 25 years.

We know that when we separate, we tend to go into the grief process. This process helps us prepare to say goodbye to the life we have known so we can transition into the life and future which is waiting for us to find and create. Unfortunately, this process and struggle can be quite difficult.

We would like to encourage you to ring our experienced counsellors on 1300 22 4636. They are available 24 hours per day, every day of the year. They should be able to help you calm down in the moment, and more importantly, they should be able to assist you to find local programs that should be able to assist you with working through your grief.

Please remember, if you start thinking about harming yourself, this is an emergency, and you need to call 000.

Welcome to our community, and we suspect you will hear from some of our fantastic community members soon.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.
 

[John-Doe]

Thank you Sophie M for your reply. 

I am unsure if I am comfortable ringing the hotline, I struggle talking on the phone and have so much to say that I would not know where to start or even how to start a conversation. But it is good to know that it is there if I feel the need.

I have had to return to work. I work FIFO and I feel like being here has made this so much harder, if it could even be harder than it all ready is. Usually about 2-3 days before I fly back to work I start to get stressed and depressed. Then once I am here the isolation of being away from  home makes me feel so disconnected to my family and my life at home. So I spent all day alone in my machine at work crying , not wanting to be here. Still feeling like things are un resolved, thinking about the future and how I can not see any way that I will ever be happy again. I tried to block it out of my mind , but the feelings of anxiety and stress do not go away , there is constantly that tightness in my chest , my heart racing all day there is just no escape. 

I think what bothers me the most is I know I can fix this relationship. I know that had I realised a long time ago what I know now I could have fixed it all but now its too late and the damage is all ready done. I have driven my wife to fall out of love with me so it is too late. When I was driving to the airport on my way back to work I rang my wife. I was unsure on how this works now, Do I no longer ring her at night after m

[Sophie_M]

Dear John-Doe,
 
Thanks for getting back to us, but we are sorry to hear that you have had such a difficult period, and that this has affected your work now also. Please remember to prioritize your mental health needs right now and take the time you need to adjust, if feasible with work.
 
You are currently experiencing a major life adjustment and we are concerned that you may be putting too much on your plate being isolated up on a mine site and worry that operating machinery while in this mental sate could have detrimental consequences, please be safe for you and those you work with.
 
As previously stated, the loss of such a long and significant relationship is difficult to process and can leave the feeling of grief and uncertainty for a period of time as we make adjustments in our life for these unplanned and unexpected changes, please be patient with yourself. But we would also advise seeking the advice of your GP regarding any physical concerns you may have.
 
Regarding contacting your wife, we would recommend asking her. As we cannot state how this is impacting your wife and how she feels, we would advise asking if she is comfortable with these phone calls and taking it from there.
 
As always if you would like to talk about your struggles and managing these experiences, we are always here for you. Please contact Beyond Blue either via phone  1300 22 4636 or through Beyond Blue Online Chat 24/7.
 
Warm regards
Sophie M

[ecomama]

Dear JD, welcome to the forums. I hope you can get everything out on your thread here and soon, I'm sure, other members will come in to offer some support. 

I'm sorry you are going through a marriage break up. 

It's a hard thing to go through, for sure.

Everything is overwhelming at the moment but it seems you have some pretty good, positive communication with your wife still, so things should go as well as possible through the avenues of Family Law. 

I hope it remains this way for you all. 

It's best if you can phone and make a free appointment with a Family Lawyer. 
If you get the FREE appt, then you don't get to ask questions for your specific case. 
Most of the free appt stuff, you can Google search online anyway IME. 

I know you're not "there yet" but it seems your wife is. 

It's probably time to reach out to any family and any friends you can muster to just "be there" for you at this time. 

Right now, you are feeling extreme emotional pain and possibly other emotions. 
Soon, I hope, you will come to realise that your children may also be going through some of their own stuff and need your support to get through this. 

You may not be able to be the husband you feel you could become, but now is also the time to create the future you want for yourself and your kids. 
They absolutely, unequivocally need you. 

Keep posting and let us know how you're doing please, 
EM