FAQ

Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Announcement Icon
You can win one of three $200 gift cards. Complete our survey by 5pm, 30 June 2024 AEST to enter the draw. Your response will be anonymous so you can't be identified.

Love my boyfriend but also have feelings for another man, who is a close friend

Ace.x-ray
Community Member

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 months now and we are happy and doing well, but in those couple of months in getting to know him I now have learnt about his personality. I am an introvert and, let me tell you, people like us need our alone time and space. He is also an introvert and has never dated an introverted woman, so he doesn't understand why I need the alone time. But I have told him a week ago about it and now he gets it. 

 

I have also learnt that he is too attached to me as he likes to hold my hand while in the car when driving and hug me anywhere in the car or car park. I have never met someone like him. I feel that it is too much and feel smothered by his affections. I don't know how to talk to him about this.

 

Another man, that I met in the UK, has come to Australia on a working visa and we started chatting more often as we are closer in distance. Since it has been a while, he is from Canada. We were really good friends and had a crush on each other while working in the same company in the UK, but we brushed it off. He contacted me back in 2019 when I went back to Australia and got to know each other more. I guess my feelings for him came back when he reached Australia, he is in Brisbane now, starting his new job in 5 days, but once he saves up money he wants to come and visit me in Sydney which I feel excited about.

 

I really love my boyfriend and like the other man too. I've known the Canadian for a year, more than my boyfriend. I am confused when I spend time with my boyfriend but feel guilty when I think about the Canadian man, as I really like him too and think of being with him.

 

But then I will have to break up with my boyfriend if I want to. But I know my boyfriend loves me a lot and will be so heartbroken if I end up breaking up and choosing the other man. I have even started to lose feelings for my boyfriend. I am so confused. I don't know what to do in this situation, which is affecting me that I feel guilty. 

3 Replies 3

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Dear Ace.x-ray
 
Welcome back to the Beyond Blue forums, it’s great to hear from you and we thank you for your courage in posting this evening.
 
It is true that we can have feelings for different people and we also have our own definition of love or what being in love means to us.  We can hear that your feelings have changed for your partner over the past six months as you have got to know him and whilst you say you love him, it seems you also don’t want to hurt him in favour of  someone else.  We can hear the dilemma you are facing in having be honest with those feelings in order to make a choice to resolve the situation.  Remember also that you deserve to be happy too.
 
While you wait to hear from our lovely community members, please know that our fully trained counsellors are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our WebChat.  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
We’re sure you will hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. As you know they a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards 
 
Sophie M
 

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Ace.x-ray, being an introvert means that you may feel closer to your Canadian 'as we are closer in distance', however, the worry is when you are able to become closer, then how re you going to feel.

Your current boyfriend, who is also an introvert, is desperately trying to make your relationship become a more 'touchy' one, where you often hold hands etc and it may be difficult for him to understand why you prefer this distance Canadian person where there is no contact.

Either way each one of these r/lationships are going to become more intimate and perhaps google this 'how to become more closer in a relationship', because eventually you will have two people after you.

Geoff.

Life Member.

Beeee
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Ace.x-ray,

 

It's definitely understandable why your feelings have you confused. It is clear that you love your boyfriend, but sometimes loving someone doesn't mean you're compatible to be in a relationship. If you are losing feelings for your boyfriend, it might be better to break up with him despite knowing that it will hurt him, as if you remain in the relationship, it could hurt him even more. Hopefully, your boyfriend will be able to find someone in the future who can reciprocate his feelings. 

 

It seems like the Canadian man is very interested in you, reaching out to you from another country and even saving up all his money just to come visit you. Actions like this speaking volumes and if you find yourself thinking about him all time, you deserve to take this chance at happiness. 

 

Hope this was helpful,

Beeee