My son loves it his dad's house more

[user123]

Hi all, we are in a (to a degree) amicable coparenting situation however my son's stepmom (she is 22YO we are 36YO) - we both share 50% of the custody.

My son (6) doesn't stop talking about how amazing they are and how much he loves it over there. 

It a bit of Disneyland over there with the whole family involved, lots of sleepovers, he goes away for work a lot so he goes to babysitters. Where over here, my family is overseas, we are always there, every day is the same. His new partner is desperately obsess with him to the point when his dad is away for a whole week she will still claim his week. 

I am trying to be supportive and be happy for him when he talks about them and how much he misses them and let it go over my head but it builds up inside of me, it makes me sad and I already have a lot of anxiety naturally. He can be very emotional, he is very frustrated with the situation always being between the two households, he says when he is here he misses them and when he is there he misses us.

Lots of emotional outburst, even for not finding his second sock in the morning, but its all underlying due to the situation. It causes a lot of tension. 

We are planning a holiday because its been a full on year - all we want to do is relax but I feel like we will have to deal with a lot of meltdowns. Should I be selfish for one time and go without him and focus on us, however I won't help to feel guilty as little one (9m) will be coming. My second son with my current partner. 

Anyone in similar situation please? I would like to bounce ideas with someone who's in the same boat!!!

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm retired but did have fortnightly visitations many years ago and my kids had step parents on both sides, so the yearning for the other household happened frequently.

There is a flip side to the situation with his step mum. If he had a step mum that was, well, not nurturing or doesnt play with him then the issues would be far worse and still you couldnt do anything about it. That is more intolerable and in my eldest daughters case she had to wait till she was 12yo before she would finally ask me if she could come and live with me... which she did. So overall if he is happy there then that is a very good situation to be in (for him) as he enjoys it there and the lower age of his step mum might mean a different connection between the two of them. My youngest daughter had a strong connection with her step dad and from my angle it felt odd, uncomfortable- why? well there was a bit of jealousy on my part and when I didnt have her at my place I felt my fatherhood was being taken away by him, if you know what I mean... but time sorts these things out and later on she drifted from him a lot prior to him and her mum separating.

The other issue you describe "meltdowns" could in part be that there is no or not enough discipline at his step mums house, again there is a positive side, that excess discipline or inappropriate jealousy behaviour by a step parent is more common. I had this when my eldest came to live with me, my then partner actually didnt want her there and I had to "well, she's my daughter and she comes first" which surprised my then partner. It was just the beginning of many years of worry for me and my daughter as my partner abused her every chance she got. We ended it then. There is also the possibility that some adverse behaviour your son is experiencing is normal 6yo stuff. It would be hard to narrow it down to one thing or another. Kids are resilient and they learn that mums house he has to do as he is told and his dads place he does what he likes... thats the difference in the households and it is in every house. There wont ever be uniformity.

I understand fully what you are feeling and its a tormenting experience, I'm simply pointing out that it isnt all bad for your son to mesh with his step mum in a playful way, as a friend. You can remind yourself regularly that you will only ever be his mum and as he gets older- teenage years, he will be drawn towards you in a much stronger way. For all the reasons above I wouldnt be worried and it pays to be a good acquaintance (rather than best friends) with his step mum so the communication floodgates are never closed. 

I hope that helps. Step parent situations are never perfect and it is a period in your life that will one day come to an end which is when living gets back to normal... 

Reply anytime

TonyWK

[user123]

Thanks Tony thats such a great response, much appreciated. 
agree with all the above, and really try to just be grateful for the situation but I cant help to feel jealous and resentful at times. 
I guess it all started last year when she suggested to my son that he could call her mum or mummy+name , excited him about the idea and of course so he did. My heart sank when I heard on video-call for the first time. She then also started taking ownership with some after school activities when I asked her to hold off as I was looking into a couple already, then she died his hair when I said not to, the list goes on. I felt like she didnt shy away from overstepping boundaries and I communicated that to her however there was no understanding, the response I for was that I am jealous and worried about ego…… so didnt being that up again since. However she is for my liking still way “too much” involved. But again, im trying to remind myself that I’d prefer to be in a situation with too much than too little. But it just naturally eats on me, always 😞

I guess I‘ll have to push through for the next years…. And hopefully I dont lose my kid to her at the age of 12…..

[white knight]

This step mum wants your son to accept her and is going about it in a way that reflects her lack of maturity, or eagerness to please her partner or just likes kids? She likely doesn't realise or doesn't possess the consideration level, to think about her actions effecting you.

My first long term relationship prior to my 1st marriage,  she had a 2yo son and he called me by nickname of "Smokey" but over time he added daddy to it. I was 21yo. I didn't think at all about how that effected his real father.

It is healthy seeking clarity, alternative views and mine might not all be correct,  but it's your sons happiness, his being free of confusion and his step mum's respect for your situation that needs to be maintained.  

If you could have a private word to your ex and her about what bothers you it could be beneficial.  Just begin with compliments first to make her feel welcomed. There's a big difference between 36 and 22yo.

Finally, if your son leaves at 12 to live with them, his dad will gain him as main custodian. He is 50% parent. You are equal. Our children 12yo onwards know what they want but that doesn't equate in their mind that they are rejecting the parent. As well as your son is enjoying his step mum, often that changes for many different reasons. I think a gentle chat is needed but time is also needed to see if this rosey environment is permanent.  When he thinks playing is all he does and chores/responsibilities arrive it all changes. Patience is your friend. Try not to assume anything and as long as he isn't mistreated and is cared for its more than what most kids of split families get.

I hope it all goes OK

TonyWK

[user123]

Wow thanks Tony, that is such an insightful reply!! Very much appreciate the time you spent whipping up a great outside perspective for me! X