Ex-Partner has depression

[Courtesky88]

Hi Everyone... I was looking for some advice on my current situation. 

I was with my partner for 7yrs and we have 1 child (4yrs). In Nov 2023, we broke up due to a plethora of things, but the main one being the intimacy wasn't there and we neglected each other since the birth of our child. He moved out in Jan 24. Since the break-up, my ex has discovered that he has depression and is currently seeking help. We are still super close, and on have been on a couple of dates and been intimate since the break up. We regularly tell each other that we miss an still love each other. However, I have done some soul searching and have realised that he is the only one I want to spend my life with....I love him dearly and would love to try and make this work. I have not voiced this too him due to his mental health, I don't want to add anymore pressure on him at this time.  He has expressed not in a direct way that he would like to make things work, but I'm a little confused. When we see each other on the weekends, he is super affectionate, happy and like his normal self, yet, when it hits Sunday night and all throughout the week he goes MIA. I only hear from him if it's in regards to our son, and his messages are blunt and have zero emotion to them. I'm beginning to become really confused as to what the situation is and also feel a little used when we are acting like gf/bf on the weekends and everything is fine, to being treated like I don't exist during the week. He says that all he does is work, come home and sleep as he has predominately 'bad days' during the week. 

I guess my question is, no matter what, I would like to be there for him, but also with the hopes of re-connecting and trying again in the future. How do I approach him? Should I be messaging and checking in during the week even if I get ignored? Am I annoying him? Should I just leave him alone during the week and just enjoy the time we spend on weekends? Do I cut everything off and let him deal with whatever he needs to and if he comes back then great? I have never been in this situation before. It's hurting me deeply. Any advice would be great! 🙂 Thank you for reading. 

[indigo22]

Hi, welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

I have been dealing with depression for the majority of my life so I would like to offer advice from that view. From what you have said, there are 2 possible scenarios.

1.  He was already dealing with depression when you were together but wasn't aware of it, which could be a large part of the reason you were drifting apart. Depression can affect every area of your life and someone with depression can appear to someone without depression as uncaring (which is usually not the case).

2. His depression is connected to your separation which would affect how he handles the days when you are not together.

In either scenario, having someone be there for you is a very important part of recovery. I would suggest having a discussion with him about when he feels that the depression began and if he is open to allowing you to help him in whatever way he needs. There will definitely be times when he will withdraw and not want to communicate, but that is part of the illness and not personal.

It could possibly be helpful if you could join him in one or two of his therapy sessions to get a better understanding of the affect that depression can have on a person. If this is not a viable option, I would suggest doing some reading on depression or even talking to someone yourself to get advice on how you can best help him. Of course, all of this depends on his reaction to you helping him, so have the conversation first and take it from there.

I hope this is helpful to you, please feel free to continue this conversation if you wish.

Take care,

indigo

[Courtesky88]

Hi Indigo, 

Thank you so much for your response. I didn't even consider the depression to be a part of the breakdown....If anything, I feel I may have caused some of it due to the neglect and the person that I was during the relationship. I hold a bit of guilt for this. 

I will definitely have a conversation with him to see if there are any ways I can support him during this time and do as much research as I can. Unfortunately, I don't think it will be an option to join him in any of his sessions as it was hard enough for him to open up and speak to someone due to him feeling embarrassed about it. I feel like he would be more comfortable maybe sharing what he is learning about himself with me outside of the sessions. I will definitely ask him if this is something he is comfortable with. 

Thank you for confirming that this isn't personal, I have taken that on and will try to think of this when feeling that way!

I really appreciate your response 🙂 

[indigo22]

You are most welcome, if you are comfortable doing so, let me know how things go.

I will be here,

indigo