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My partner travelled to see me and now that he has left I'm in real pain

Community Member

since our culture forbids us from having an unmarried relationship, we've been spending our time together online or on the phone although we were in the same city. We did meet once or twice there and gifted each other on birthdays etc, but no real communication like normal couples face to face.

Anyhow, I travelled abroad to study. the time difference made it even more harder for for us. he asked me if it was okay to travel to where I am to see me and spend some time together, I was thrilled! It took us months to decide when he's going to come -all due to my studies plans - anyway, during this time, I met a guy here and I started to see him, I had my first kiss with him which made my partner feel really broken but he didn't even get mad at me, he was just disappointed but still loves me, which makes me hate myself. Despite all that, he booked a flight and spent more than a day flying to see me, we had a wonderful holiday together I loved him even more seeing how a gentleman he was. after all, it ended and he had to go back. It broke me really bad, I started tearing two days before he leaves, and on the day he left I cried like a baby. now that he's gone, I'm in a lot of emotional pain, unmotivated and hate my daily normal life and hadn't eaten for a day, I started to reanalyse my feelings towards him, is it real love? or is it just strong unhealthy attachment? was my reaction normal? Should I seek help in order to reduce my attachment and rely more on myself? It feels like I don't want to live without him which is really frightening, I don't know if it is normal because he just left or it is a sign that I need help. I should mention that I struggled to find friends here abroad, sometimes I'm not very good socially and when I find friends they go back home after a while, so I rely a lot on him socially and I don't know if that is the reason behind my strong bitter feelings.

3 Replies 3

Community Member
Hi Orowan
I am sorry you are feeling emotional pain from your partner leaving. It sounds like you do have very strong feelings for him and him for you. I know this pain very well. I am going through the same myself with my partner in another country atm.
Have you wondered why, and what has made, you feel like this? For me, the feeling of abandonment stems from my childhood. I get this anxiety and pits of depression every time I am on my own. As time passes it gets a little better. I am also living abroad and have few friends. I think finding a social support circle might help with coping. You could also try to find some counselling to strengthen your coping mechanisms.
Are you planning on marrying this man? Perhaps then, there will be no need to live in secret if both of you commit to each other and continue to pursue your studies.

Community Member

Thank you for your reply Leleina,

I do wonder why but I can't find the reason why spending time alone feels so depressing and scary. Maybe it became worse after I moved here since I don't live with my family anymore, I would love to enjoy some alone time like I used to years ago but it seems far from becoming attainable atm.

About marriage and moving together, he wanted to marry me and I refused then we both changed our minds now he doesn't feel he's ready to get married or move to another country.

I thought about seeking counselling but I'm worried about the fees as I'm currently a student, I'll try though.

Community Member
I fully understand.
Being alone can be both terrifying but also liberating. I think the key is our approach whether we want to treat it as a learning experience or let loneliness stifle us. I have felt both.

You should be able to access counselling as a student... maybe check in with student services?

Since marriage is no longer on the table, perhaps it may be time for you to meet other people, expand your social circle and take this as an opportunity to free yourself from convention.

Take care. Leleina