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My husband visited a brothel

Ruthgada
Community Member

I came to know today that my husband of 20 years visited a brothel with his friend before we got married .

He says he was drunk and was curious about sex so went to try out.

He says he couldn't get erection, didn't feel good so just spent time talking and watching TV. He then told her to tell his friend who will visit her after him that he had sex.

We have 2 kids and not in good relationship and no sex for 5years. I have been asking for divorce and everytime he convinces me saying he will try to be better.

Now knowing about this has shocked me and asking him for divorce which he doesn't want to give because he loves kids.

This truth has become unacceptable for me. I don't know what to do.

17 Replies 17

White_Rose
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Dear Ruthgada

Hello and welcome to the forum. This is a good place to talk about matters than upset and bother you.

A couple of observations. You have wanted a divorce for some time. You do not need your husband to agree to this. You can start proceedings on your own. I suggest you contact the Women's Legal Service in your state or look at the Australian Women's Legal Service http://www.wlsa.org.au/ Both the same organisation but the overall Australia organisation will provide details about your state organisation.

Clearly your husband has no intention of changing his ways. Perhaps you can suggest to him that he see a psychologist about his difficulties as a way of demonstrating his willingness to change. I don't know what his problems are or if he just wants an easy life. Do you have any ideas why the no sex? This is usually an important part of a couples' life and five years without this intimate relationship certainly raises warning flags.

I do not think I could live with a man because he said he loved our children but paid no heed to me and my needs. Does he in fact care about your children or is this a way of emotional blackmail? In any event this is not a good foundation for a marriage. Talk to the legal service. There is no charge and you will get good information.

Mary

We both don't want to hurt kids. I am worried about affecting kids. I want mutual consent for divorce .

There is no sex because I am not happy with him.

Now knowing he went to brothel before marriage but didn't have sex is hard to believe and accept .

Its broken me down and finding hard to decide as I don't want to hurt kids.

He says once kids turn 18 we can separate which will be in 10 years.

I don't know if I can live with this truth or worth it

Hi, welcome

I think what occurred prior to your wedding is no longer relevant. Being a male and having been around other men in the Defence etc I can say that many people have skeletons in the closet. It is too long ago to make it an issue now.

Regardless I agree with the living WHITEROSE that you can apply for a divorce anytime once separated for 12 months.

Best of luck for your future

TonyWK

I agree with WhiteKnight - many men have skeletons in their closet from previous life.

I’m not saying it’s good or wholesome or healthy - but it’s a fact of life.

He trusted you to reveal this unsavoury story - Just give him a break as far as that’s concerned.

If divorce is your only option, can you make it about the real issue? Which seems to be that you just don’t love him. And not make it about a confession he may regret.

Very painful for both of you.

He has now confessed after failing in lie detector test.

He confessed this over 3 days bit by bit after being questioned every little details.

that he has visited brothel twice before marriage and 4 times after marriage in 20 years and visited massage parlor for happy ending frequently .

Most of them done along with friends who are family friends with us and on boys night out.

I am devastated that this happened to me and unable to believe and accept that he was capable of doing this and I never thought or imagined he would do.

Dear Ruth,

I wish I could reach out through cyber space and give you my hand, my heart truly hurts for you.

You are devastated.

I didn’t quite understand the lie detector thing? Although, how the truth was found isn’t the issue.

I’m so sorry with you. I’d really hoped your husbands story of just a silly curiosity venture into ‘that world’ as a lad, was just that.

Sadly, too many men make these ‘kind’ of visits, believe me - especially when buoyed along by the ‘boys’.

The tragedy is that there’s rarely ‘a one off’ visit - the whole set up is to entice them back - prostitutes are in business, they depend on men like your husband and ‘the boys’ for good return business.

The Sex industry is deeply entrenched into our communities.

You don’t have to look too far to see that these women in business are everywhere advertising and offering ‘pleasure’ and escapism.

Its horrible and disgusting in my eyes. And clearly it destroys marriages. What man can be truly at peace with himself and his life and his marriage mate when he goes to these places?

But it’s all set up to pull weak men through the doors. And keep them coming back.

I hate it. But I also know it is a rotten, invasive reality that happens throughout the world - it’s not called the oldest profession for nothing.

Ruth....I’m venting about this because I hope you draw up healthy anger about this, and not let this betrayal turn inwards on you... in a way that makes you feel not good enough.

Your family are victims of a disease in our society.

Sadly, the prostitutes are also often victims - manipulated by the hooks that drew them in too.

I hope someone can come along and offer more support.

I just don’t want you to feel that this is something that rarely happens.

Can you work out what you need to do next? Do you have support?

You will get through this.

I’m feeling for your heartache as no doubt anyone reading this will too.

Just never feel alone.

Hello Ruthgada

Do your family friend's partners know they visited brothels? I wonder what their attitude to it would be. I know you can hardly ask them because it may stir up a whole pile of problems. What do you mean by failing a lie detector test? Do you have access to one and why did your husband consent to being tested? It's a new one on me.

No sex because I am not happy with him. Does this mean you are refusing sex? Why? Is it unsatisfactory or is it a way of punishing him. If so it does not seem to work. Many people would say it's the reason he frequents brothels. I think Tony is right about closet skeletons. Not only men but women too have skeletons in their closet. Do you have anything you have not told your husband? E.g. do you have bits of your childhood where you were very unhappy? I am trying to say we all, in general, have a past we prefer to keep secret. Not that there is anything wrong with this, it just is. Your husband's sexual adventures may cause you some hurt but it was such a long time ago. I know these things hurt more because they happened through someone you love. If you only found out recently he went to a brothel, why have you been angry with him for five years?

I am not asking you to tell us these things, only think about it and decide if your actions are reasonable. I cannot say because I don't know and certainly it is not my responsibility to tell you how to act. Please give it some thought.

Mary

Deckt
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Ruthgada,

I'm not really going to enter into your reasons for seeking divorce. I personally think it's a little unfair to withhold sex/affection, and then be mad when he seeks it elsewhere, but it's not particularly relevant.

The point is, you are unhappy. From personal experience, it will be more damaging to your children to see you and your husband in an unhappy relationship, than happily separated. Particularly if you are just going to wait until the kids are older. It will never get easier. Doesn't matter if the kids are 18, 28, 38. Divorce sucks. Rip the bandaid off now, if you have given up on this marriage, as it seems that you have. Again, no judgement, no blame. You're not happy, he's not happy. You will both be happier, and it will be better for the kids, provided you can come to a good custody agreement.

Best of luck,

Dt.

Sadly, when a man sees a prostitute as an option for sex, it will affect his ability to deeply connect with his true mate.

I suspect that if in early life a hankering develops re the transactional nature of paid sex, strip clubs, massage parlours etc, it spills into future love life - and affects it.

Boys going out and getting drunk, going to strip clubs, brothels....

It stinks. It’s about selfish wants and using women.

A man who pays for sex, objectifies the female - it’s a transaction.

It has the potential to ruin any future deep intimacy with the wife, or any true lover for that matter.

As for Ruth, it sounds like you have long wanted a divorce. Time to act.