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My husband does not love me anymore.

Jasmine-Tina
Community Member

I was so shocked by his admisson that my whole world came crashing down. I showed a brave face and I did not share a single tear. I could not reveal my disappointment in knowing this is how he felt for the last 3 months. We have been together for 4 years and married for 1 year & 8 months.

He has an addictive personality and for the last 3months he plays online violent games until the wee hours. He also drinks a lot of alcohol, to the point of passing out. I was unhappy so I told then he told me he was unhappy for the last 3months. To avoid spending time with me, he turned to alcohol & on-line games. I am so lost and my head hurts so much. ​I am too embarrased to tell my family and friends. I am hoping I could get support here.

54 Replies 54

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
dear Tina, it must have been such a shock and an unexpected one at that after such a short time of being married.
There wasn't much stimulus going on for the both of you, and that's not what you would expect, because you would think there would be plans for the future and to enjoy what you both loved doing together.
It always seems to be ashamed in telling your friends and your family that maybe your marriage is over, just as it was for me when we got divorced, but they would find out eventually, but they could be your support, someone to lean on, as the next few weeks are going to be very difficult for you, whether or not you try and revitalise the connection, whether that's what you want to try and do, or whether you both call for an end to the marriage.
It's never easy to rekindle a marriage, although it could work for awhile but then it just goes back to the same old storey, but what it will need if you decide to try, is to suggest places or other things to do, however he may have been hooked on drinking alcohol and playing those video games and not interested, but I think that this is your decision now, as hard as it is to make, and this is where you need support and help, firstly from your family or pick out a sibling that you get on with and secondly you should go and see your doctor.
As he has an addictive personality it will be difficult to change his habits and even if you try to, then he could then feel adjudicated and need to go back to his old ways.
I'm so sorry for you, because this is never what anyone would expect after this short period of time.
Please I hope that you can get back to us. Geoff. x

Neil_1
Community Member
Hi there jasmine-tina,

I’m sorry to read your post and what your husband has said to you.

Geoff has sent you a really excellent response and I just want to add a little.

Do you feel that it’s totally 100% over? Do you feel that he thinks that? After just such a short time married, in my opinion, it would be a shame to throw it away without giving it a ‘second go’ or a ‘second chance’. I mean, that’s pretty harsh of him to come out like that without even giving you any warning, in words. Ok, the big time drinking and playing on-line games was possibly a bit of a hint, but really he should have come forward.

My thought would be to see if some marriage counselling or an appointment to Relationships Australia could be an option??

Did you say what he thought was wrong and why he feels like this? Simply saying that he wishes to avoid spending time with you is not enough.

I’ll send this off now, but would really love to hear back from you.

Neil

Dear Geoff, I thank you kindly for your words of wisdom and
support. You have made some excellent suggestions that I
would be open to do, like pick a sibling and definitely see
my doctor. I desperately want this marriage to work and maybe
this is my down fall. He told me that talking it out and
talking about it will not change his feelings for me. I am
still at home as I think if I leave then I would have made it
way too easy for him. I have asked him what he would like us
to do now and he says he does not know. I have asked him if
we could try and work on our marriage and he said we can try.
I am sleeping in the spare room as he suggested. For the last
two nights now. It is the worst and most weirdest feeling. I
feel so helpless and frustrated. He also likes to know where
I'm going and if I'm coming back....

..Since the admission he has played more on-line games
and stopped drinking and have taken up smoking pot. Before
the admission he would ask if it was okay that he plays his
game, I always said Okay. For the last few days, this is all
he's been doing. It is like I'm not in the same house. I
haven't cooked dinner and I will not be doing his washing.
Although I have noticed he started his own pile of washing.
You will be glad to know that I have finally told a friend
yesterday and she offerred her spare room and not to worry
about the rent. I told her I will come over on the weekends.
I work during the week and it will be too hard if I stayed
with her. I did mention to her I will not be making it easy
for him. I have told his parents and they cannot believe it.
They have expressed their stance of not interferring and not
picking sides. But they are disappointed and so am I. We had
this bright future, so I thought of buying a bigger house
with 3 bedrooms and a yard. Then very soon try to have a baby
together. All these future plans have been smashed to pieces.
He confirmed that he does not want to buy a house and he does
not want to have a baby together. I am convienced smoking pot
does not help the situation and his feelings for me

am
aware that you cannot make someone love you again. I am
living here with the greatest feeling of anxiety and its
torture. I have been listening to calming music so I can fall
asleep. But I could hear the volume of the TV so loud its
been difficult. I feel he has been so disrespectful of my
feelings and I feel I do not have any say or the right to
tell him to turn it down. It seems he is trying to make me
leave. He knows what makes me annoyed but so far I have held
my toungue and I will not give him that satisfaction. He has
not mentioned the D word yet (Divorced) so his mum believes
this marriage is not over. He has not asked me to move out
yet, even if he did. I won't as this is my home too. The only
reason I will move out is when this house is sold. Eventhough
he bought the house before he met me but I have invested
nearly six years in this relationship, this is my home too. I
will also be making an appointment to see a counsellor so I
can keep it together and not end up at the hospital in mental
services. I want to be strong but I feel so fragile. J-Tina.

Hi Neil, Thank for your words of support. I don't want this marriage to end. I still love him and I know the addiction is a disease and I love him so much and I want him to be better soon. I think he needs to speak to an addiction counseller. I am seeing a counseller so that I can work myself out. I know he is trying to push me away but I refuse to go anywhere. I am not leaving our home.

Neil_1
Community Member
Hi there J-Tina

Thank you for your latest responses.

Reading through those, I can get a feel for your strength in regard to this situation and that’s something you should be proud of. And yes, as you said, do make it hard for him, cause he sure hasn’t done any favours for you.

Good on you for reaching out to others, your friend, his parents, etc.

It sounds like he’s being so inflexible in this and is not willing to do anything to try and save the marriage.

I really feel for you and wish there was some other support I could try to help you with as it must be an incredibly tough situation for you.

Kind regards

Neil

Hi Neil, Thank you for your comforting words. He's been very unfair but I am blaming it on his addiction. Although by now I would like him to take some responsibility for his actions. Talking to a friend and counsellour has helped me tremendously. I have some health issues to be dealt

Jasmine-Tina
Community Member
.. so i think i will stay put till its done. i would like to save what is left of our marriage. I will remind him everyday that I love him dearly. J-Tina.