Marriage problems

[Teena1__]

My husband & I have been together for almost a decade, married for 6 years & we have 3 kids together. I am a SAHM while my husband provides for our family. He's a great father to our kids and also a great Provider. I am thankful. throughout the years we've bumped heads cause we don't see eye-to-eye on things.

Eg: he gave me an ultimatum to marry him in a courthouse or not marry him at all. He's the one who wanted me to be a SAHM and raise our kids while he works. He'll go through many hoops to lie or makes up excuses as to why he can't attend family events, bdys or special occasions (but if it were his fam he'd have no issues showing up). I have caught him out each time on his big lies. He always says for me to go by myself or take the kids.

He had a online relaionship while I was pregnant. He makes no effort whatsoever when it comes to our marriage. It's either his way or the highway. I have to fight him tooth & nail to drag him to family events. he makes a huge deal about going even though he only shows up maybe 3 times out of the year. My family love and respect him, and have been paitent with him in not forcing him to come around if he didn't want too.

I'll always be the one to come up with spontaneous dates or outings otherwise we won't go anywhere. I'll always go out of of way to spoil him for his bday, anniversaries, fathers day & Christmas but it is never reciprocated. I also have religious commitments and he supports me aslong as I don't have to include him and that also goes for family things, even if it involves the kids. He doesn't want the kids to have big birthdays where he has to socialise with anyone.

He's never actively involved, but will happy drive me and the kids hours away to do our own thing just so we miss out on whatever family events we skipped out on that day.

I know he loves me but he doesn't care about things or the people that I love. But he just expects me to care & Love his family. I feel like my husband doesn't value me enough to speak my love language.I take care of our kids 24/7. I clean/cook & clean up everyone otherwise things won't ever get done. I help him pay the bills where I can. I have no friends, socialise with noone. My family all live 2 hours away hence why I would want my family to spend time with them.

I'm exhausted and tired of fighting him over the same thing over and over. He's 36 years and I'm turning 30.

I have suggested counselling but he doesn't believe we have any issues. My dad is dying and he won't go.

[That Other Guy]

I've had a pretty rough year in my marriage. The only reason we've lasted is she agreed to my demand of marriage counselling. It seems to me he could be a great father without being married to you. It seems to me like counselling might reveal some issues he can work on so things improve, but what you describe, sounds very one sided and controlling to me. You clearly need to weigh these things up for yourself and not blindly follow internet advice but I'd be telling him that the only future you have, involves counselling to work on the issues in your marriage and to come to a place where he treats you with love and respect.

I think he loves you as an ornament and not as a human being. He doesn't seem to be thinking about your needs at all.

[Petal22]

Hi Teena1,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im sorry this is happening it sounds very distressing and frustrating for you.

Can I ask have you bought all of this up to your husband?

Have you asked him his reasons for this?

Your husband needs to make an effort with your family…….

Have you asked him why he has excuses?

In regards to the online relationship this is really disrespectful to you……..

Did you stand up for yourself in regards to this?

Please stand your ground don’t allow your husband to call all of the shots…… a relationship takes understanding and effort from both sides.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Selfishness seems like an epidemic nowadays. The older I get the more I notice it.

Eg when socialising take note of those wanting to just talk about themselves and never ask you questions. Asking questions means you go out of your way to find out how people live their lives. No questions, no interest, no friendship.

Your husband doesn't have to "love" in-laws but being civil and socialising with them is a basic marital obligation. Couples counselling can rectify that to a satisfactory level if he is open to change. If he isn't open then your concerns matter little and lack of respect lights up.

Although I'd like to see it work out I'm sceptical as his attitude needs a revamp and that is unlikely to happen but for the sake of the kids stable homelife it's worth effort.

The deal breaker imo is whether his love for you is enough for your happiness. If not, you have many loveless years ahead. Let's talk post separation-

Life might not be so bad.

• You might find true love, someone that adores you with respect to boot if not soon then once the kids are teens you'll feel less bound
• You'll have time free from the kids when they are in his care
• You might find someone trustworthy
• Kids are more resilient than us, they adapt.

That's all for you to digest and decide. In the meantime in regard to arguments I recommend the following threads- use google

Beyondblue topic relationship strife- the peace pipe

Beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get

reply anytime

TonyWK

[Juliet_84]

“my dad is dying and he won't go” - oh Teena, my heart breaks for you. To not make an effort with your family is one thing but to not support you when your father is dying is another. You really need him and he won’t do these things for you. I don’t particularly see these as actions from a man who is capable of changing if I’m honest. Have you ever tried giving him a taste of his own medicine, ie just refusing to see his family anymore and seeing how he likes it? I’m not usually one for tit for tat but he can’t have everything his own way, it may be somewhat enlightening for him to be on the receiving end of the same lack of support?

[geoff]

Hello Teena, it would be nice for him to recognise your dad's condition, but know this is heartbreaking for you and want to give you our heartfelt sympathy.

Emotional abuse is something where one person only wants what they want and will do this anyway they see fit, but for a compatible marriage ideas and suggestions need to be spoken about without any qualms, unfortunately, this doesn't seem to be happening, as it started with the proposal.

To spoil him on special days is so very kind of you, but it's not reciprocated which empathises the situation you are in and no matter how much you wish it would change is questionable as he doesn't believe there is anything wrong.

I can't tell you what to do, but if he doesn't accept there is anything wrong and still controls you, then it's going to be difficult for you to be able to move forward in a positive way.

Love can only be stretched so far, but it doesn't mean you don't love each other but realise you can't live together, that's for you to decide.

You need to look after the kids as well as yourself and find happiness.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Teena1__]

Thank you for your response. I have had countless conversations about all of this and I have expressed my feelings and have asked him why he acts this way or why he feels the need to lie. His answer is always the same "because I don't want to go". And that's his answer with anything and everything. He makes no effort whatsoever. I feel like I am a married single parent.

I have forgiven him about the online relationship but it's always going to be stuck with me. He has said that he didn't feel like it was cheating but when you feel like you have to hide it? Then you know that it's wrong.

[Teena1__]

If the tables were turned, he still wouldn't care and I have tried that. When I ask him, how would he feel if I did all of this to him? His response would usually be that he wouldn't care and he wouldn't make it such a big deal so why should I make it an issue?

[geoff]

Hello Teena, sometimes people don't want to go, simply because they might be proven to be wrong, that's what he could be frightened of happening.

Geoff.

[Karen0901]

Could your husband have social anxiety? Social anxiety would not excuse his behaviour but it would explain some of it. Also, if he works a lot, he may feel he doesn't get a lot of time to himself. He may just be trying to get some self care time in.

I don't think he is being emotionally abusive or manipulative because he is fine with you going on your own but I'm not an expert. However, not going to see your Dad is beyond not ok. You need to tell him that.

I might also suggest that birthdays etc., may not be something he considers important. My husband and I never make a big deal about it. We know where we stand with each other. I assume he works full time? This means he will not have a lot of mental time to plan these things. Especially with 3 children to take his time when he gets home.