Maintaining civil relationships after being badly hurt

[CMF]

  I  was divorced with 2 kids then met someone who didnt have kids but always wanted them and still lived at home.  We had a very slow growing relationship, he didn't want to commit completely for several reasons but said wasn't seeing others.he had a ex who still called him every week, he said they still caught up as friends and that she slept over still but nothing between them.  I definitely didn't want to see others, dating is not my thing. he told me yo start as friends then if things progress you officially commit to each other, you actually say it.   our relationship grew, he ever met my kids, didn't think they should be exposed to anything.  he was and still is a commitment phobic. I feel like im rambling, talking all over the place - sorry I have so much on my mind. all of a sudden things just fell into place for us, it was just right and we both knew it without having to say anything, then out of the blue he accused me of infidelity.  I was knocked for six!  I had 2 kids, worked part time and when I wasn;t working was with him.  it was ridiculous.  he refused to believe me I took a week off work to sort this out he badgered and badgered me, I was not going to walk away from him for something I didn't do, then gave me an ultimatum, give him an admission or we cant move forward.  I was so defeated, I couldn't take anymore of his badgering so I made up a story - YES- I gave a FALSE ADMISSION.  but I had no story to back it up so I let him make up the story and I just agreed to whatever he said.  the reasons I gave were valid i.e the the ex girlfriend always ringing etc( but he then denied ever catching up with her), I could have done it but I didn't. I was prepared to wait for the "official commitment" which never came. Funny thing is in my gut I knew he ws going to do something that would ruin us.  we stayted together for another 12 months, neither of us could leave.  he accused me the whole time of infidelity, we fought, we yelled, one day I finally walked away I found something o his phone re his ex I couldbt take it anymore and I walked away.  we didn't speak for a few days then he rang and we saw each other and bang - I'm pregnant!  he wanted the baby but not the relationship - just friends.he accused me the whole pregnancy of seeing someone else- seriously! we have a beautiful girl but I cant forgive him.  I found more on the internet re his ex - an rsvp to a party when we were seeing each other.  he denies going but cant explain it.  so stuck.

[CMF]

Hi Neil,

Last night he came over and cooked some great food for us, he hadn't been well during the day bit still did it. we all know that when we love someone we accept all their faults but when things turn sour these 'faults' drive us mad. his mother is the major concern.  I can't stand the sight of her anymore, I think she is a now it all.  he not really a 'mummys boy' but he does check things with her which I find really annoying, maybe because I don't have my mum around. it only bothers me when he does It to override what I have said. I'm really tired, lack of sleep so I'm angry and depressed. why didn't I see earlier that he was a commitment phobic, I sensed that he would destroy us why did I allow it. and yet we watch the bachelor and he sympathises with these girls because it hard for them that they are all being dated by thiis one guy and they feel hurt yet it was ok for his ex to constantly ring and for him to have to run to her for every little sook that she had.  he didn't want her to know about me too soon because when had really liked him and he didn't want to hurt her, well what about how I felt. its funny how all his true feelings came out after my false admission, easy to open your heart when you have an excuse not to follow through. his ,mother is just stupid, would you give a baby a metal spoon to play with? would you give an 8 month old  baby soup from a buffett as soon as I turn my back when ive already fed her?  no wonder the poor little thing was crying. would you give a baby hard biscuits that she could choke on or biscuits that are full of sugar? and yet she gets peeved with me for saying not to give it too her. wpuld you give a baby hard lollies to play with?

Sorry I feel really angry and down.  I fee sorry for him, he has no idea about kids and I have to have this conflict with her over everything. He had so many visits to the hospital as a child because he always go into mischief some things you cant avoid but hey some are the parents responsibility.  carelessness is no excuse.

[CMF]

We took our little girl out today. He wanted me to bring her to his place which I did with anxiety. His folks weren't home thank god. At least they can't say I didn't try. Hmmm I wonder if he did that on purpose so he could say to them that I came but they weren't there. Or maybe he encouraged me because they weren't there. He wants her to get to know their home, I know that but I wish he could move out. 

Anyway we went out for a bite to eat. He looked so down and preoccupied. I feel so sad for him, being stuck living at home. I wish he hadn't thought the wrong things of me that we hadn't hurt each other so much. He tries hard to help out. 

Im so depressed. Just want to cry and cry and cry. 

[Neil_1]

Hi there CMF

I’ve written to you back in the Depression area as well – in response, I think to the thread of Dog V Black Dog.  You’re so hurt and stressed out by this situation and to me, I am seeing that level of hurt and stress increase on a weekly basis.

I’m really concerned for you that it’s going to escalate to much higher levels and this won’t be a good situation for you to be in.

Let me try a different option here.

How old is your daughter?

How old are your other two children?

When you take your daughter over to his parent’s place, do your other two children go along as well?

I know there’s a few questions here, but I just wanted to get a better feel of the situation.  So here’s another one – are your children (any of them) either (a) upset as much as you are by these visits and how the whole situation is;  & (b)  do they know how much this situation is upsetting you?

I’m just trying to assist here and am very worried about your situation.

Kind regards

Neil

[CMF]

Hi Neil,

thx for your response.  it doesn't really escalate, I just go through mood swings.  my other 2 children spend every 2nd weekend with THEIR dad and that's probably when I feel more anxious as I feel an expcatation that I should take our daughter to see the other ones parents, if that makes sense.

my daughter is 18 months

other 2 are 11 and 12, no they don't come. if I go its when the older 2 are with THEIR dad, plus they've never shown an interest im me taking them there.  you see when we were datinjg his parents didn't know I had children, he didn't want to tell them as he didn't want them to judge me, wanted them to get to know me for who I was. his mum always used to ask where I lived is it a house, is it a unit etc.  one day I took here somewhere and she insisted on seeing where I lived so we drove past but I made an excuse that we couldn't go in because house was a mess.  after the infidelity mess he told them I had kids, they were shocked I felt a change in them towards me. I then invited his mother to come to my house one day for a coffee her reply was, no its ok, you have kids youre too busy. hows that for a slap in the face. I told her I wasn't too busy as my kids were at school after all I was at their house a lot wasn't I. he knew they would judge me. they have met my kids and are nice to them but they've never asked about them.

no, no one knows about the situation and how I feel, only him and he does try to understand.

I feel so sad for him. I know he feels stuck and I know why. he is a good person I don't know why it all happened.

[CMF]

this morning HE called, as he does and we had a bit of a chat about it all.  he is not feeling great at the moment, anxiety has kicked in I think a lot of it from guilt over things. I was able to tell him how I feel and why I don't want to go there.  he understood, said he would feel the same if my mum said those things to him.  hes hoping in time I can move on from it.

When we have anxiety we become a lot softer than how we would normally be towards a situation. he said she sees me as a daughter and didn't mean any malice. that she has no ill feeligns towards me but she doesn't say hi when I go there now. I know shes not malicious but there were many things where she blamed me immediately when is was his doing and he admits that.

anyway the chat with him has made me a little down, plus hes down and I'm so tired.

[CMF]

Well I keep bumping into his Dad on my morning walks.  He has always been nice to me and invited me to drop in as they all want me to.

Why can't I do this? Why can't I accept its all in the past on move along?

I think I'm worried that if I do then of course there will be an expectation I will go there all the time and drop in during the week as we live a few streets away form each other. I don't feel I want or am ready for this relationship with his family.  His mother thinks of me as a daughter. she thought of his ex like that to so it means nothing to me.  my mother is no longer with us, I could never replace her and I don't want that sort of relationship with his mum. I don't need her help in that way, or in any way.

If I start this relationship with them, which I had before it was all destroyed, then I may feel trapped I wont be able to get out of it again. I don't want that in my life  now, I'm only want my kids and I.  HE is welcome to help out and be around but i dont want the full blown "in laws" relationship. that's  not what they are to me. that chance is gone.

[Lost_Girl]

Hi there,

Just quickly finding you, I shall read up in a day or 2. Kids running around over sugared here.

A very Happy Birthday for tomorrow! Spoil yourself, make happy memories with your kids xx

[pipsy]

Hi C.M.F. Omg, I can't believe the crap you've had to tolerate. Your MIL sounds a carbon copy of my ex MIL. I think you need to take a stand, I would be telling your ex partner he can see the child anytime. He actually sounds like a good father. I would also lay some boundaries as far as MIL is concerned. I would be suggesting your ex partner sees the child in your home. As far as you seeing her, I wouldn't advise as she possibly would try to agitate and cause a disagreement. Perhaps you could think about letting MIL visit daughter in your home for an hour or so with your ex to eliminate any further problems. You said your ex mentioned his mum looked on you as another daughter, if that's how she treats daughter's how does she treat people she doesn't get along with? If MIL is in your home, she would have to tread carefully otherwise the knowledge of no second visits might be mentioned.

Lynda

[blondguy]

Hey cmf

You have seen and gone through so much pain......my heart goes out to you...Paulxx

[CMF]

Thanks Lynda and Paul,

i drop in there sometimes when we are going to go out and I do go out with them on occasions like xmas or Easter, if it doesn't clash with my family. She is better, ie she is happy to see us and we talk a little. I try to make an effort but I don't drop in during the week or anything, only when going to pick him up. I've never been through so much crap in my life by one family. She had never been to my house. When e and I were seeing each other he didn't tell his parents I had children. After all the crap happened he told them. I invited her to come overt she said no, it's ok, you're busy you have children. It was like a slap in the face. I felt suddenly not good enough. AnywY after all that's happened since having the little one I don't want to have here here, I'm not comfortable having her in my home, judging me then going home and talking about me as I know they do. If she thought I was too use before with 2 kidsthen I'm busier now with 3.

cmf