Maintaining civil relationships after being badly hurt

[CMF]

  I  was divorced with 2 kids then met someone who didnt have kids but always wanted them and still lived at home.  We had a very slow growing relationship, he didn't want to commit completely for several reasons but said wasn't seeing others.he had a ex who still called him every week, he said they still caught up as friends and that she slept over still but nothing between them.  I definitely didn't want to see others, dating is not my thing. he told me yo start as friends then if things progress you officially commit to each other, you actually say it.   our relationship grew, he ever met my kids, didn't think they should be exposed to anything.  he was and still is a commitment phobic. I feel like im rambling, talking all over the place - sorry I have so much on my mind. all of a sudden things just fell into place for us, it was just right and we both knew it without having to say anything, then out of the blue he accused me of infidelity.  I was knocked for six!  I had 2 kids, worked part time and when I wasn;t working was with him.  it was ridiculous.  he refused to believe me I took a week off work to sort this out he badgered and badgered me, I was not going to walk away from him for something I didn't do, then gave me an ultimatum, give him an admission or we cant move forward.  I was so defeated, I couldn't take anymore of his badgering so I made up a story - YES- I gave a FALSE ADMISSION.  but I had no story to back it up so I let him make up the story and I just agreed to whatever he said.  the reasons I gave were valid i.e the the ex girlfriend always ringing etc( but he then denied ever catching up with her), I could have done it but I didn't. I was prepared to wait for the "official commitment" which never came. Funny thing is in my gut I knew he ws going to do something that would ruin us.  we stayted together for another 12 months, neither of us could leave.  he accused me the whole time of infidelity, we fought, we yelled, one day I finally walked away I found something o his phone re his ex I couldbt take it anymore and I walked away.  we didn't speak for a few days then he rang and we saw each other and bang - I'm pregnant!  he wanted the baby but not the relationship - just friends.he accused me the whole pregnancy of seeing someone else- seriously! we have a beautiful girl but I cant forgive him.  I found more on the internet re his ex - an rsvp to a party when we were seeing each other.  he denies going but cant explain it.  so stuck.

[White_Rose]

My Dear Cassarr

I am pleased you found your way to Beyond Blue where the folk who "live" here can offer you support. Welcome to this forum.

It seems from your post that you are stuck in the proverbial catch 22. Can't walk away but can't stay either. My dear, your man may be a commitment phobic but you deserve better than someone more interested in his own needs. He appears to be a control freak, insisting that you admit to a false infidelity in order to feel better about his own lies. That way he can justify his way of life on the grounds that you are just as bad.

I would say it's time to call it quits. It is always an immensely painful thing to do, walk away. You now have three children to care for as well as yourself. Coping with this man's tantrums is the last thing you need.

Are you able to live on your own? Financially I mean. Do you have, or can you acquire a home to live in and manage? And do you have anyone to support you. At least until you are settled in your new life.

I think you know this relationship is not going to work out. I suggest you concentrate on your life, your children, your job and show him and the rest of the world that you are more than capable of bringing up your family alone. Yes, I know how difficult it will be and also that you will be lonely. But are you any less lonely now?

Living with someone who demonstrably has no respect or real affection for you must be continually hurtful. Sorry, I don't mean to add to your pain. People who want to be together in a marriage situation, whether or not you are married, treat their partners much better. It's part of the mutual regard.

Cut your losses my dear and rebuild your life. I think ultimately you will be much happier. And I believe children are also happier in a stable home whether it is with one or two parents. Love and stability are the foundation stones of well-balanced children. And it doesn't work when one parent believes he has the right to run around like a teenager causing pain to anyone who does not fall in with his lifestyle. the fact that he lived with his parents when you met is a bit of a red flag.

I think this is the most directive reply I have ever written here. I hope you know I do so out of a real concern for your well-being.  If you feel distressed about anything please see your GP or phone Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636.

I hope you get back to us soon. I'm sure others will reply to you soon and we will all be anxious about you.

Warm regards

LING

[geoff]

dear Rosie, thanks for coming onto this site to post your comment.

I am sorry of what has happened and I was also knocked for six after reading what has gone on, something he said without any foundation.

I have to agree with LING, because if he fabricates a false story then down the track there is going to be more trouble, which will indeed cause problems.

It's sad that all of this has happened, but there must be some agenda he has in mind by saying all of this.

I realise that you wanted to satisfy his remarks, and there are reasons for this, but he knows why he did it.

There are many comments that you make in your post and one of them is ' didn't think they should be exposed to anything', and this worries me, as does  'something that would ruin us'.

I still contact my ex, we talk and see each other, but we certainly wouldn't sleep together any more, but no doubt that maybe he is, however ' I cant forgive him' and because you have this feeling, it's going to take a hell of a lot to change your mind, and I'm not sure that this will happen, especially after seeing the rsvp.

There is so much more that you will think of, so I really hope that you get back to us. L Geoff. x

[CMF]

LING I already live on my own with my kids. he is a control freak.  living together was never on the cards for us, he still has not moved out of home. I think I crossed the line looking up his ex but it was a nagging feeling and I found my answer.  I feel everything was rubbish now.  we could have a good friendship and raise our daughter but I cant move on from his accusations.  being around him drags me down. he can keep denying but cannot explain. I think I deserve that at least.

[White_Rose]

Dear Rosie

Is that your name? I have got a bit confused as the posts are addressed to different names.

You deserve an honest relationship. If it works then stay. If not then make a decision about where you and and he are going. I have found, eventually, that you can only make decisions for yourself. The only person who can change your man is himself.

So while he is busy in his denial and making accusations against you he is manipulating you. What do you want? If you are happy with this situation that's OK. If not then you need to take steps to change it to the way you want. I'm sorry if I sound harsh or unfeeling. I've been in a similar situation and stayed. A huge mistake. Had I realised I was much more capable I would have left much earlier.

Well, I can't change the past, just live with it. But it has a major effect on the way I live and manage my life and I fight every day to keep going. Not something I wish on you or anyone. As Geoff has said, it is hard to move on, but how hard is your life at the moment? You have no trust in him and you are being hurt.

I would suggest going to your doctor and asking for a referral to a psychologist. Not because there is anything wrong with you but because a psychologist can help you sort out your feelings and needs. He/she will not tell you what to do, just give you some support in making a decision one way or the other.

Regards

LING

[CMF]

hi LING,

well we cleared up the rsvp business, its all good but I just cant accept his accusations.  it was 5 years ago and I will never forgive or forget.  he is a good person, helps out as much as he can but I have so much anger and sometimes hatred.  why did I stay? our daughter is gorgeous and he adores her but he is only around because of her.  I feel so jealous towards his ex, she wasn't for him at all ,he told me but he bent over backwards for her, he always defends her.  im angry.

[AGrace]

Hi Can't move forward,

I've just caught up on your posts and others' replies. Wow, what a terrible situation to be in.

I understand that you're not living together, and that he is still living at home. Of course he has a right to see his daughter, but that doesn't give him the right to see you.

You mentioned that you could have a friendship with this man, what kind of friendship would that be? If you were being introduced to someone and you were told of all of these actions would you choose to be friends with them?

I think in order to move forward, you need to cut the cord. What kind of example are you setting for your 2 older children by denying yourself true happiness? I think they'd want their mum to be happy, and not dragged down by the constant contact with this man.

It doesn't sound like either of you love each other, so despite your daughter, and without trust what foundation does this relationship actually have?

It's understandable that you still feel a sense of jealousy, and I can imagine that you would have a great deal of anger. I'd suggest that you let these two emotions be your driving force. What you wanted was a healthy relationship with this man, one that had the potential to grow and become something meaningful. You didn't get this, which must hurt, but his ex didn't get this either. You may find the anger subsides when you no longer have to see this man, and listen to all of the lies he spins.

What sorts of things are you doing for you at the moment? Perhaps focus your energy on things that will bring you joy. No doubt with working and raising 3 children you are very busy. Do you have the support of your family to help with the kids so that you can have some time for yourself each week?

Perhaps in ending the "relationship" with this man you could write him a letter, just to get everything off your chest. At least this might bring you some comfort. 

AGrace

[CMF]

Hi AGrace,

he is willing to put everything aside (even though he's wrong about everything and just move on and raise our daughter.  he doesn't get it, he thinks I can just forget it all and carry on and his mum is the same.  she said things to me which hurt then denied it and now thinks i'll just go there 'when im ready'.  I'll never be ready. I cant cut the cord completely, he is a good person but just got it all wrong.  I write many things to him he always comes back. they are deluded. nothing brings me joy

[CMF]

well today I feel crappy.  he has ben helping out a fair bit, coming past if he finishes work early and preparing meals for us.  he is great like this.  it his mum I don't want anything to do with at the moment and I rarely go there  even though he lives there.  so last night he told me they have a friend coming from interstate next month and she want to see our little girl so they will organise something.. im guessing it may be a lunch.  I have anxiety of this already.  I will not eat a meal at their house anymore or even have a cup of tea.  she hurt shocked me with things she said and yet she denies it all.  he knows her and agrees she would have said them. I don't want to go there and certainly will not send my little one there without me.  he doesn't force me to go but they want to see their granddaughter,  I want no part of their family, she told me to leave him a month before I had bubs so he could be free and she would raise the baby with me.  we are in our 40's, he is not a baby. and now they want to play happy families.  well think again, how stupid.  she doesn't even say hi to me anymore and always wants to give the little one biscuits and rubbish and food she cant chew and that we dont want her to have then she cracks it with me so why would I want to go?  plus he annoyed me today with a few things he said. just random things but I'm annoyed maybe I;m just not good enough.  I'm hormonal too which doesn't help. I cant stand her and feeling like this. after she blamed me for this 'mess' having a baby not living together etc (which was his choice) she said hes not married and not single so hes a nothing, well then so am I.  we are 'nothings' to her so she shouldn't expect me to go there and be all happy like she thought I would.  I'm not an idiot I know exactly what she said to me.

[AGrace]

Hi CMF,

I can hear the determination in your post. You are right, there is no need for you to play happy families. You also don't have to let your child go to her grandparent's house. Her friend's are her friends, and after the way she treated you, you no longer have to care about her friends. Let your husband know that you won't be letting your baby go to his parent's house anymore, and tell him that if he wants to see his daughter then he will need to come to you.

Have you commenced any custody proceedings yet?

I hope today can get a little better for you.

AGrace