Maintaining civil relationships after being badly hurt

CMF · ‎06-08-2014

I was divorced with 2 kids then met someone who didnt have kids but always wanted them and still lived at home. We had a very slow growing relationship, he didn't want to commit completely for several reasons but said wasn't seeing others.he had a ex who still called him every week, he said they still caught up as friends and that she slept over still but nothing between them. I definitely didn't want to see others, dating is not my thing. he told me yo start as friends then if things progress you officially commit to each other, you actually say it. our relationship grew, he ever met my kids, didn't think they should be exposed to anything. he was and still is a commitment phobic. I feel like im rambling, talking all over the place - sorry I have so much on my mind. all of a sudden things just fell into place for us, it was just right and we both knew it without having to say anything, then out of the blue he accused me of infidelity. I was knocked for six! I had 2 kids, worked part time and when I wasn;t working was with him. it was ridiculous. he refused to believe me I took a week off work to sort this out he badgered and badgered me, I was not going to walk away from him for something I didn't do, then gave me an ultimatum, give him an admission or we cant move forward. I was so defeated, I couldn't take anymore of his badgering so I made up a story - YES- I gave a FALSE ADMISSION. but I had no story to back it up so I let him make up the story and I just agreed to whatever he said. the reasons I gave were valid i.e the the ex girlfriend always ringing etc( but he then denied ever catching up with her), I could have done it but I didn't. I was prepared to wait for the "official commitment" which never came. Funny thing is in my gut I knew he ws going to do something that would ruin us. we stayted together for another 12 months, neither of us could leave. he accused me the whole time of infidelity, we fought, we yelled, one day I finally walked away I found something o his phone re his ex I couldbt take it anymore and I walked away. we didn't speak for a few days then he rang and we saw each other and bang - I'm pregnant! he wanted the baby but not the relationship - just friends.he accused me the whole pregnancy of seeing someone else- seriously! we have a beautiful girl but I cant forgive him. I found more on the internet re his ex - an rsvp to a party when we were seeing each other. he denies going but cant explain it. so stuck.

CMF · ‎28-08-2014

I try do do the right thing and go there every now and then when we take our little one out on weekends but I feel sick every time. I feel the resentment building up. She has is clueless even carried on about him not living with me cos I wNted to kick him out. His sister told her shut up that that wasn't right. He's not my husband we never got there. She keeps him like a baby and yet he has a baby. I cant wAit till he ,moves out. They live a few streets from me and obviously want me to go there during the week. No chance. I've got better things to do. I don't want a relationship with her. He is stck in the middle he does come here to see our daughter. No need foe custody proceedings we will sort it out later. He works a lot buns with me. I certainly don't need to raise her with his mother. I've had 2 others I know what I'm doing.

CMF · ‎30-08-2014

He mentioned tonight I should take the little one there for dinner one night as there is so much good food there and he'd get his mum to cook some without salt. I can't get this out of my head now and it makes depressed/anxious. I don't want to go there for dinner we are happy in our own home. But I feel obligated cos he has been coming here and cooking for all of us. He bought a cake and decorated it for my other daughter bday (she is not his daughter) and gave her a gift. I feel like I am him that, to take her for dinner but I can't stand his mum. Why did I have to get stuck with this???i can only imagine what they discuss about me and I know they would.

CMF · ‎02-09-2014

It really saddens me that he and his mum have thought all the wrong things about me. He came and looked after our little one yesterday so I could pick up the others from school then he stayed on and cooked our dinner. Even though I'm angry at him for thinkingbthecwrongbthings I can't blame him because I admitted to something I didn't do. But I really thought he knew me better. Seems he was too busy run to the ex for every little problem she had that he couldn't see what was right in front of him, how I felt about him. But his mum she doesn't know me from a bar if soap and yet she blamed me for all his wrongdoings. It's puts me on a downer to think of it. The stupid ex was desperate to get back with him not knowing he was seeing me. Is hiding something the same as lying?

Neil_1 · ‎08-09-2014

Dear CMF

This is becoming such a horrible situation for you.

I’ve seen how wonderful things can be for you (when you’re at your special coffee place) and how you’ve mentioned about the times spent there – no troubles, but laughs and enjoyment; good things.

But with this man who seems to come and go as he pleases; the situation seems to be worsening for you.

You may not wish to do this, but I’ve just had a thought and so I wanted to share it with you – whether it makes any difference, I cannot say.

Is it possible for you arrange either a piece of paper or some kind of ‘word’ document into TWO columns.

One with all the Pro’s for having this man in your life. (What are the great things he does?)

One with all the Con’s for having this man in your life. (What are the things that plummet you down into the low place that you seem to be quite a bit in of late?)

List them – they can be massive things (obviously) or really miniscule – this list is for you and your eyes only.

Then from that, you can see which traits feature more prominently, and well from there – it’s entirely up to you. That’s on the proviso that you happen to do this. And again, it’s just a suggestion to possibly help.

Kind regards

Neil

ps: you deserve so much more and better than what you're experiencing right now.

CMF · ‎08-09-2014

Neil

the list is a great idea I may try it. I know for a fact though that the good things also sadden me because it reminds me what he (we) threw away

when he is doing great things for us is hurts me and makes me depressed.

Im a lost cause, going in circles.

I know one thing I'm furious with his mum for all the wrong things she said about and to me. I wish he would move out of there.

My heads going to explode.

geoff · ‎09-09-2014

dear CMF, I think what Neil has suggested is great, so can I maybe suggest another column as well, and this to include your what yo feel is the best for your daughter. L Geoff. x

CMF · ‎09-09-2014

Thank you Neil and Geoff,

It's funny, I sort of have the lists you mention in my head. I thin the good may outweigh the bad but the bad is severe i.e the main one is the accusations. this stops me allowing my self to be happy and fully appreciate the good. Deep down I do but then I feel I want to reject it. I think I refuse to allow myself to be too happy because then it means the old/bad stuff is ok and it isn't.

Maybe I just need to build a bridge and get over it, try and be happy and see what happens?

But then does that mean he wins? he gets his way? Am I just too spiteful?

Neil_1 · ‎09-09-2014

Dear CMF

You’re not a spiteful person. You’re a wonderful caring person who is being manipulated by someone who does not deserve you.

Geoff’s 3rd column really hit home to me. What is best for your daughter?? Perhaps a 5th: What is best for you?

I’m sorry, but I cannot see any possible signs of positive and goodness for a future with this manipulative person in it. There are so many bad things he has done and made you do – but the one that sticks out for me is where he wore you down, down down, until you then confessed to something that you never did. Even back then, that was the straw that was placed that broke the back.

You deserve someone who loves you, cares for you, cherishes you (and your daughter with each of those things) and a whole lot more.

The old bad stuff is “not” ok – and it never was and never will be.

Can I paint a quick scenario for you. Hypothetically, you ‘build that bridge’ and you go over it. Will the other side be lush and green and be all that you really want for a happy future? ONLY if you burn the bridge after you’ve gone over it.

Oh dear, I think I may have really over-stepped my position here, but CMF, I have only you and your daughter’s interests and health in my thoughts and words here.

I could write more, but at this time, I will send this and see what you think?

Kind regards

Neil

CMF · ‎10-09-2014

Hi Neil

No you haven't overstepped your position sometimes you need to say it as it is or how you see it. He came past last night, he has the day off Monday bur rested as he was very tired which is ok, I know his work is tiring. I can't eliminate him from my life we have a daughter. deep down he is a good person, just scared of commitment and very sceptical, I cant stand his mum now, he argues with here but runs to her for things, even if I say/do something he will double check it with here, for crying out loud , we are not all stupid, she lies or forgets why give her that confidence everything she has suggested or given our daughter is wrong.i don't trust her.

Neil_1 · ‎12-09-2014

Hi there CMF

Sorry, but I think I’ve been watching too much TV – as when you said, “I can’t eliminate him from my life …” – my immediate thought was, yeah but I don’t know how courts & juries would look upon that these days either! Sorry, just a silly, warped and potentially wicked sense of humour there.

Deep down a good person. That’s the trouble though isn’t it – it’s buried deep and is well buried underneath other traits that aren’t so, flavoursome or good.

I’m hearing loud and clear that the situation with his mother is a large concern for you. I’m really not sure what to do in this instance – I feel like I could advise something, but then again I think, well who am I to suggest something, when I’m so far removed from your actual situation. So be that as it may, I’ll proffer this - by the sound of it, he still appears to be like a “mummy’s boy”, if he’s still running to her for things or having to check with her about other aspects. What it also does is to help keep her well informed of pretty much all that you do, which is the complete opposite of what you really want.

Dear CMF – I can only say and suggest that you deserve someone who is so much better to you and for you. From all that you’ve written it just sounds like you’re going to be hurt on a continual basis – by him and his mother.

You’re a wonderful person who deserves so much more.

Neil