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Lonely in marriage and no purpose to life

Jilted
Community Member

Hi everyone. Looking for help to get through constant feelings of loneliness, low self esteem and worthlessness

To keep things short, I am unhappily married - my husband is a good man but we are more room mates than anything else. This is my second marriage and we are married 10 years. I’m in my late 40’s. I recently reconnected with my high school boyfriend and have had a whirlwind affair. He is also married and has children. I have no children. He has said he can’t offer me anything more than ‘friends with benefits’. I can’t cope with that and want more.

Yes, I know this is wrong and am working my way out of the situation and feel I should also leave my marriage. I wish it could be different though with my high school boyfriend. I look at his life and realize how little I have in my own life except for work. I have a couple of close friends spread over different countries but that’s it. I feel I haven’t achieved anything - no kids, no contribution and no strong connection with family. I feel very lonely, without purpose and just want to isolate from everyone because I feel uninteresting to others, a bad person, and too emotional and messed up for anyone to be around me

Any advice please?

16 Replies 16

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Jilted~

I guess the first thing to say is to try to view yourself with more compassion. You have a deep seated need, and your marriage did not seem to be supplying it. You renewed an old relationship. OK, perhaps not the wisest thing, but not the end of the world either. The world is full of false starts.

Your high school boyfriend has done you no favors, allowing the two of you to get so close and then cutting you off suggesting you become something on the side with no serious commitment from him. I suspect it is called taking advantage of someone. I'm glad for you that you are working your way out of that relationship, he does not sound like a person that values others.

I suspect one of the reasons you are talking about leaving home is because you don't like yourself at the moment and feel you have nothing to give and as a result want to put ourself away from everyone - am I on the right track do you think?

Often it takes something we do to to see things in more perspective. Can I ask what was going wrong in your marriage? 10 years is a lot. You say yourself he is a good man, that is a pretty good start if you wanted to remain with him. There are an awful lot of people that have had an affair and made a partnership stronger afterwards.

I'll admit I'm coloring my reply to you with my own inclinations, I've had two happy marriages and would wish the same for others. I can't pretend there have never been problems, but it has worked out.

So may I ask what you would want for yourself if you had a free choice and no burden from your recent actions, try to rebuild the marriage, or go your own way?

Croix

Jilted
Community Member

Hi Croix

Thanks for your response.

My ten year marriage has lost all intimacy and I feel unwanted, old and ugly. My high school boyfriend has made me feel wanted again, and we have a strong draw to each other, with similar background and interests and humour.

I have no interest to regain physical intimacy with my husband, hence partly why wanting to leave as I don’t want him to be miserable either.

Unencumbered I would leave. Otherwise I think it would become a recurring theme to be unhappy and unfulfilled. I do wish for more with my high school boyfriend. We are a good match. Realistically that’s unlikely due to his circumstances and this sends me into depressive states (have a history of depression).

Feel trapped, unhappy, and don’t know how to move forward without uprooting everything I know and starting again - not easy at my age

I have no family here - I am not from here - so I can’t fill part of my life with family activities either which adds to the loneliness.

Now that I write this there seems to be only one answer - to strike out on my own.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Jilted~

I'd imagine deciding what to do now is immensely difficult, and trying to do so on the rebound from that affair might not be the best time - what do you think?

Leaving and living on your own is a pretty big venture whatever the background. Doing so all by yourself more so. You did say that you had family but in a different place plus some friends in different countries. Would it be possible for you to join them at least for a while?

Now you are going to think me silly for asking this but do you think it is worth discussing the matter with your husband? Perhaps I'm showing a lack of understanding by asking this, my apologies if so. If you are going to leave he will find out sometime. Maybe with explanations any parting, if it can't be avoided, might stand a chance of being amicable.

Croix

Tess2
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi jilted,

be very careful about mixing up your feelings about your marriage with how you feel about your old boyfriend.

i can speak from experience about reconnecting with a past love. I did this, I was not married at the time, but he was. It caused so much pain to so many people and in the end to me when after 5 years he left me and went back to his family. It is one of the biggest regrets I have and I cannot forgive myself for my part in the harm to his wife and family.

I am not saying the situation was like yours, there was 30 years between our first relationship and the second. I had been through a lot and felt I deserved some happiness, but it should not come at the expense of others.

if you want to end your marriage do that for reasons related to that. Feelings of passion and intimacy are powerful. I completely understand.

Tess

Only_the_lonely
Community Member

Hello there Jilted.

Marriage is no easy task, let alone having somebody on the side just creates more stress although it may seem fascinating and living on the edge, but the reality of affairs causes so much stress that it leaves you bewildered about where you are standing in life. Marriage takes a lot of effort, its like a car that you need to constantly maintain due to daily wear and tear. It takes a lot to have an affair and you must ask yourself if this is something you wanted. Most marriages breakdown due to communication breakdown. You have to develop a good communication with eachother before other things can prosper in a relationship. It takes two to tango so if you have tried to save your marriage by talking or seeking outside assistance and to no avail, then it may be time to move on. This can only happen of both agree that the relationship has soured and that all attempts were taken to save it but it has to be from both partners. Its a terrible situation to be in, but having that second person does not help the situation, but rather causes a distortion in your current relationship. I don't know what steps you have taken to rectify the relationship but as I stated, if all measures were taken to no avail, then it may be time to move on in life. Secondly, don't assume your school mate will rescue you as he has his own life and family so if you decide to leave, then you may need your own space to reflect and move on. Don't worry about what others have achieved as well in life, as your life is not measured by what you own, what profession you have, or what car you drive. You are still precious as everyone in this world and you have the right to be happy in life, and its often the simple things in life that we all crave for. Somebody making you a hot drink when you get home from work or taking your plate after dinner and washing the dishes to give you a break. Its those little things that make you feel on top of the world, not huge mansions and luxury cars/ fake friends who hang around you since you have money to wine and dine them. Your happiness is paramount to your health and well being and I am sure the same goes for him as well. Its not health to live in such relationship day in day out. You have a lot to be thankful for, your current health, you are still young and able and you have a job as well. Life is a gift and everyday is a blessing so make the most out of your life.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Jilted, Tess has been through a similar situation and Only the lonely has some excellent points, just as Croix, but I think you have answered your question in the last line of your post ' to strike out on my own'.

Your high school boyfriend doesn't want to break up his marriage and there is no interest in reconnecting with your husband, so settle up with your husband, ready to move on, this will relieve you of one concern.

Write down what your skills are, big and small, whatever you can do, this will help you to move to somewhere else, away from what's been happening, a completely new start with different surroundings, new people and a place to call home.

Remember to give yourself time and patience, maybe move to where your family is, you need to regain your strength, that's so important for everyone, yes there are times when we don't feel the strength we need, it happens with all of us, we are only human beings.

Geoff.

Jilted
Community Member

Thank you to everyone for your insight and guidance. It’s tough to let go of someone dear to me (old boyfriend) but I guess I have no choice.

Decisions need to be made.

Thanks again. I may be back here for help to get through this and to let go.

Take care

To_Old_For_This
Community Member

Hi Jilted

I think the people above have given some excellent advice and you seem like you are making some very tough decisions. My only concern here, is your feelings of having to give up on your old boyfriend and affair partner.

This man, has taken advantage of you. I am sorry. The feelings you have for him, he may also have for you, because of the excitement of having an affair. But if he were to leave his wife for you, would you ever be comfortable being with someone so willing to cheat?

It seems to me that you need some time to reflect on what you want for you, moving forward. Be that rekindling with your husband or moving on. You deserve someone who loves and cares about you. Being someones bit on the side is only lowering your own standards.

4Cats
Community Member

Sorry I have no advice, but I'm in a similar situation so I thought it might help to know there are others out there that feel your pain.

Apart from living with a husband I haven't had intimacy with for 20 years, I too feel that I'm the worst human being to ever have lived on the planet and am isolating myself from everyone as I don't want people to judge me any longer. My own feelings of worthlessness are bad enough - I don't need friends and family adding to them.

I've had a couple of flings on the past for the same reasons you state.

Loneliness is a horrible way to live. I've stayed because I am weak but also I don't want to cause pain to others that don't deserve it.

I wish you all the best and hope everything works out whatever you decide.