Lonely in marriage and no purpose to life

[Jilted]

Hi everyone. Looking for help to get through constant feelings of loneliness, low self esteem and worthlessness

To keep things short, I am unhappily married - my husband is a good man but we are more room mates than anything else. This is my second marriage and we are married 10 years. I’m in my late 40’s. I recently reconnected with my high school boyfriend and have had a whirlwind affair. He is also married and has children. I have no children. He has said he can’t offer me anything more than ‘friends with benefits’. I can’t cope with that and want more.

Yes, I know this is wrong and am working my way out of the situation and feel I should also leave my marriage. I wish it could be different though with my high school boyfriend. I look at his life and realize how little I have in my own life except for work. I have a couple of close friends spread over different countries but that’s it. I feel I haven’t achieved anything - no kids, no contribution and no strong connection with family. I feel very lonely, without purpose and just want to isolate from everyone because I feel uninteresting to others, a bad person, and too emotional and messed up for anyone to be around me

Any advice please?

[Terry73]

Hi Jilted,

I am not going to advise on weather to leave or stay with your husband or such, that is purely up to you to decide, and I wont push you in either direction, I am merely here to help you come up with a solution yourself.

What I would suggest is physically write down the following

-What makes you excited in life and Where do you find peace and happiness

-What you need or dont need in a partner (deal breaker stuff)

-What you would like/dislike but are willing to compromise on in a partner

-What dreams are you after (from as far back as when you were a child even)

Dont list things like what limits you have yourself and such as these will only give you a chance to make excuses on why you cant do things.

By listing these things physically (and be truthful, if not, you are only deceiving to yourself), You will be able to see what you need to do, personally I would start doing things that lead to the dreams you have had before ending something like a marriage (not saying not to, as you can still take that path later, just I feel that if you can get yourself back on track to getting your goal, you may find that actually marrying your husband was a means to this anyway, and by leaving him early, you may end up with regret). See if you can get your husband involved in your dreams, it might be the marriage pick-me-up you need. If that all fails then maybe it is time to get out on your own and start discovering what you really want again, that option is still there should you need it, but at least let it be a last resort type of option.

That is my advice, I am no expert on things, just been hurt myself and worked out that this is what I needed to do to get me back into life, what I did was I started following some even minor dreams, then followed up by bigger ones, like buying a car I had always wanted when I was a teenager (I am now 44), traveling overseas (been overseas twice now and looking forward to more). Those are things I have had dreams for in my past, and they help me look to a brighter future. Some dreams you may not achieve, but give it one hell of a go in getting them is always worth a shot, it gives you purpose and motivation about life. One last thing, dont let anyone, even yourself, tell you that it cant be done, rather say "I'll give it a shot and take the chance". It all starts from making that list, something you can see and remember, something to look back on when you feel doubtful and "lost".

Hope this helps

Terry

[Terry73]

Hi Jilted,

Just before you make a decision, I want to advise you to consider this approach, it is purely your choice of course, but maybe it can be an option for you regardless, and should it fail, you can still continue to make your choice as before.

I just suggest you discover what makes you feel happy and successful, list them down if you have to, include dreams you might want, and then start going after these dreams, this can only make you feel better about yourself and the future. While you chasing these dreams, see if your husband wants to help you get them, it may be that spark you need to get even your current marriage back on track, for both of you. Regardless if he wants to help you or not, still chase after those dreams and goals, and make decisions on what improves your life the most, be bold and take a chances that help get you to a better place to be, it can only be better for you than how you are feeling now anyway. It may very well be that your husband might not help you, but he wont stand in your way either, which is also a good thing, because it will make you happier in general, and when he sees you smile, it may help him remember what got you guys together in the first place, spark that romance back up. To me, it is worth a shot to save your marriage, and if it doesnt work, and you do decide to end the marriage, you at least have 2 things to help you move on, firstly that you gave it a shot to improve your marriage, and secondly that you are already on your way to finding happiness in your life again, either way seems win/win to me.

And dont let anyone tell you that you cant chase your dreams, not even yourself.

Terry

[Jilted]

Hi 4Cats

thanks for posting. Sorry to hear of your situation. It is some comfort to know we are not alone in our loneliness. i do try to keep in contact with my friends via text message and that helps take away some of the loneliness.

We all deserve love and intimacy. Maybe this is the year to be brave and look after you for a change. Life’s too short to be sad.

Take care

[Jilted]

Hi all

Today I ended my affair with my high school boyfriend. I know it was the right thing to do because we are both married but I am so miserable. He admitted he loves his wife more than me, and I said I didn’t want to be a mistress.

I wanted him so much. I envy his life - kids, family, friends - all the things I wish I had with him. And all the things I don’t have in my marriage.

What really irks me is he’s not sad about the ‘break up’. Why is it always me that gets hurt?

my marriage is on the brink. I can’t see it surviving. My husband is not the man I hoped for. I feel like the love of my life (my high school boyfriend) married someone else and has the life I wanted.

Im at a loss as to what to do now. I have few friends and no close family. How do I live without my affair partner. If I go back to my husband I won’t be happy either.

[itsagamble]

Hi Jilted. I understand your confusion somewhat.

Slightly different scenario -I recently had a one-night stand with a friend and have been riddled with guilt and despair the past few months as well as having a one-sided emotional affair of sorts. This has caused me immense pain and I have decided to try and forget this person and focus on my family and hopefully I can be happy in my marriage.

For you, it sounds as though you should consider what you want for yourself, forget about the other guy and have a serious chat with your husband about your future. It will be tough but you need to work out what you want or you'll never be happy. My mother told me recently she was unhappy for 10 years before she divorced my dad (who was a fantastic father and husband, but rarely home due to shift work) and while I appreciate she stuck it out to raise her children, it is so sad to think she was unhappy all that time. You don't have children etc to worry about and need to put yourself first.

[Jilted]

Thanks for your insight.

Theres so many of us in pain and struggling to find happiness. Life doesn’t seem fair.

my self esteem is at rock bottom. The easy option is to go back to my husband but I know I’ll be back to feeling trapped and will look for something else.

Im hurting so much, as I’m sure you are too. Sending hugs to everyone out there who can’t have the man they desire.

[Jilted]

Hi. It’s been a year since I’ve posted. I’ve left my marriage, amicably as it turns out - husband wasn’t happy with me either. I’ve moved to where my friends are but am very lonely. It’s a beautiful day outside and I’ve spent it in my room. I share a house now with other renters and only have a few of my own possessions. My affair continues but he now wants to have some time to think. My job is coming to an end. I don’t know what to do from here. Some days a have no willingness to move. And feel so guilty if I waste a day pining.

How do people get through similar situations? I’m contemplating going back to husband but know that the cycle will repeat. I don’t want him to be unhappy just so I am not alone.

Seems an impossible situation.

Your thoughts?