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Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

So I've been wandering around the forums and reading people's threads hoping I can be of some use to someone. I've noticed I've been gravitating to threads regarding relationships and breakups and they sound quite similar and the same as my own experience. Our hearts are broken by people who:

no longer want to be with us;

cheat on us;

stay with us but don't treat us right;

That's just to mention a few. There are many reasons why relationships don't work and its always hard on the person trying to keep it together. So if someone cheats on us, treats us badly, lies to us, isn't around when we really need them, why are we so heartbroken when they leave us or why can't we leave them when we are clearly unhappy with the situation? Why do our hearts hurt so much even though it's been broken? Why do we want to stay with the person who broke it? Do we miss the person or miss the relationship or the idea of the person?

I can't stand my ex most of the time, he has good traits but at times is rude, irritating, careless, selfish, treated me very badly but still I find myself feeling sad sometimes when I think of the good times but I remind myself that i'm not sure if that was the real him. I question this because he treats him mum the same way and yet she does everything for him. Yes she is annoying and overbearing but how do you treat your own mother like that when she does as much as she does for you? I used to love his laugh, the late night calls, that he made me feel like a teenager again. Now I find his laugh annoying, he's laughing at my expense, I find him irresponsible and childish. Yet I feel sad.

I don't miss HIM. I miss the company, the fun, having someone to do things with. I feel lonely.

None of this is a new revelation. You can google the topic and read up on it. In time we may start to enjoy being on our own again, being our own person, not being put down or treated badly. We realise we have the chance to meet someone else, someone who really wants us and treats us great, our soul mate.

So why do we feel lonely and miss a person who mistreated us, or cheated on us? Why do we fight hard to be with someone who doesn't want us? Why is it so hard to move on?


87 Replies 87

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor


I see your post has resonated with so many of us, including me. I stayed in a domestic violence relationship for nearly two decades with a man who spat in my face, called me every name under the sun, threw back whatever I had disclosed to him within the supposedly safe confines of our relationship during arguments and treated me like I was nothing at times. And to me, he was (and a big part still remains) my soulmate. He tended to me when I was sick, he was there for me when I had a flat type and needed help. He was the first man who didn’t treat me any different when I was dressed up versus when I was in my home clothes, it felt like he saw “me”. And that is a powerful thing for me. But despite those good points, he is incredibly entitled, spoilt and has many issues that he refuses to work on. I think I ignored them for so long because he became my “family” and my family has always been problematic so it just felt like an extension of that. And for him, his mother put up with whatever bad behaviour he exhibited and made excuses for him and so the same was expected of me. It’s rare to meet someone who touches your soul and breaks through the insecurities and veneers, so it can be incredibly hard to let that person go or believe that there is someone else out there who can reach you the same way. But that person was once a stranger to you so it’s definitely possible/probable. 

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Juliet 

Yes, I hear you.

I'm not in that toxic relationship anymore. I'm lucky enough to be with a wonderful person, but I guess that doesn't mean the relationship is wonderful.  They are going overseas next month. It will be interesting to see how I feel. Will I miss him or his company. Knowing he is o/a having fun with his sister while I'm here alone is hard. 

The whole thing males me a bit nervous. 

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

So my partner is overseas with his sis & his boys. Do I miss HIM. Yes. I actually feeling really happy. Work has been good, time to myself good. I'm keeping busy on weekends.  We talk or video call every day or so. I feel light. Not bring around his sis feels like a weight off my shoulders. Sometimes I hear her booming voice in the background & I cringe.  She popped her head into one video chat to say hi & I was instantly deflated.  So I'm happy but I do miss HIM. 


Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

So he returned & we've broken up. Originally reconnected/got together a year after his 20+ year marriage broke up. He didn't want his marriage to end despite her cheating on him many times & had a 5 year affair. He realised while away he wasn't missing me as much as he should have away he couldn't give me all I needed & deserved in our relationship. This is why I got annoyed with his sis. It wasn't her fault it was his. He couldn't allow me the space I needed in his life to be what I needed to be with him. It's ok. We've both realised alot & been very honest. There was a gap in the relationship. We both see that now. Good thing it was a slow moving relationship. Reasons for everything.  So do I miss him or the relationship? Definitely him 💔

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

After seeing him casually for the last 6 months I have ended anything with him for good. He wants options but happy to have me on standby. 

I realise I don't miss him. I miss who I thought he was. The person he actually is...I can't stand.

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I miss myself. I miss who I was when I was happy & not hurting. 

Community Member

Hiya cm and all .

l am missing all the right things, it's not just surface stuff or needs or convenience,  in a way l wish that was it.

l really miss the way we were in ea others corner anytime anywhere even if 1200k apart 1/2 the time, we were always there. Miss our calls and non stop chatter all day, nver messaged os much in my life, miss her face and smiles, eyes, holds man l miss our holds we had the most beautiful holds we called them , cuddles and ways of just holding ea other . l miss eating with her , funny right but we usually ate in this certain way , like monkeys. lf you ever watch monkeys together munching away we'd sit usually at the corner on the table one side ea often knees touching in ea faces only inches away ldk why and she'd get up bring more food or other stuff and we'd touch coming and going , never done that in my life either. lt'd drive me mad normally give me space let me bloody eat but with us dk that's just how we ate.

Miss our walking we'd walk miles and miles she doesn't drive and l can't be stuff driving in syd it's more trouble than it's worth so we'd just walk really miss that we'd do the funniest stuff. Or l'd turn round and she'd be sitting on a fence reading a book someones put out with stuff on the nature strip, we were always looking through stuff people would put out to give away, she loves looking through the books. Miss the way she'd come out to see me at work in naughty moods anything could happen ha ha , luckily l work on my own it's very private ha ha .

l'd call them all the things you should miss if it was real but the weirdest thing is she'd miss totally different stuff, she'd probably hardly even think about all these little everyday things , we were very different like that to me it was all that stuff that made us us but to her it was the much bigger more serious things.

Miss driving with her so much to, at mine we'd drive at hers we don't. she'd be putting on music in language l don't speak or stuff my face with bits of food she'd bring along or getting naughty never understood the focus you need to drive she's never driven. Trying to catch her in basket ball, man she was fast. An ex gymnast , so fast and agile.

lt's all this stuff and much more most of anyway where l know l'd never have with anyone else never did in 20yrs of marriage b4 we had different stuff our stuff but for us now this was our stuff. lt's just about whatever comes out between you as people and a couple. But if she read this she'd be shocked and really touched none the less . She was never much good at just reading the room or the person so to speak , she needed everything spoken this was always one of our problems.The emotion was always there inside and easily showing there was no need to me l could see it and feel it l didn't need it spoken 24 7 at every turn but she did.

She needed everything in writing so to speak, just one of those people, some people are like that especially very emotional women. She'd never see any problems either or the causes , again she'd need it spoken or she'd just be confused thinking wtf was that about .

So one of my biggest things was the need to speak every little and big thing, was just exhausting , but she loved it, she could talk about it all day n night 24 7.

And l could never assume something was just seen and understood bc it won't be she's really weird like that. l see a lot of things but she need it all spoken.


ldk how she could not be missing us and all the things meant so much to me but truth is unless she read this she probably wouldn't even realize. sHe's probably missing big things that don't mean that much to me- in all that we were very very different.











That's all the weirdest parts for me cm.

You miss yourself that's a really huge thing , we should be missing a self that we loved , the just being us and the yourself that we truly are, with that person, that's the true beauty in it all there's no feeling like it .

Two people should have that with ea other like no other on the planet.


That was the hardest mix for me with us. l'm not comparing but ldk, just reflecting or something. But in other ways and really huge ways, with ex w for example, from the day we met we were just the real person ea, both of us. Things were so easy so natural there was just a natural and mutual unspoken knowing it was so strong it didn't need speaking or words, it just was and we both knew it day we met. Alright unfortunately 15 or so yrs later and a huge life enough for 3 couples, things and we us both started to change we grew in different directions .

l feel a lot of that with gf to did day one but it wasn't unspoken . ln a really odd way she needed everything spoken or she couldn't see it , it's hard to explain .

So on one hand l usually felt very natural with her and my true self more than

with anyone ever, even ex w, but in others there wasn't always that inner peace about it instead there was a sort of pressure bc l knew she wouldn't see it unless l spoke it.  For such an astute person in most ways that saw through anyone in split seconds, that was a really weird combo in her.

But so as much as all the stuff above, we were also v different to where as ex w and l never were until way way down the track later on. Before that we were basically twin souls.


Gf and l , l felt in many ways and ways that meant so much to me and considering we were from opposite sides of the world and cultures,  we were incredible part that too , but there was also a sort of missing gap to. l often use to think that was the part in being from opposite sides of the world and technically actually quite different , was where that gap was and so we were but at the same time in other ways we also weren't.


Problem l have in thinking about the future and if we do stay apart and move on and one day there is someone new, we might have that mutual just being, but we'll never have the things and things gf and l had .

lf l would be lucky enough to even have love again it feels like a real dilemma bc l know it will also be v v v different to all the stuff l loved about us.