Lonely Hearts Club. Do we miss the person or the relationship?

[CMF]

So I've been wandering around the forums and reading people's threads hoping I can be of some use to someone. I've noticed I've been gravitating to threads regarding relationships and breakups and they sound quite similar and the same as my own experience. Our hearts are broken by people who:

no longer want to be with us;

cheat on us;

stay with us but don't treat us right;

That's just to mention a few. There are many reasons why relationships don't work and its always hard on the person trying to keep it together. So if someone cheats on us, treats us badly, lies to us, isn't around when we really need them, why are we so heartbroken when they leave us or why can't we leave them when we are clearly unhappy with the situation? Why do our hearts hurt so much even though it's been broken? Why do we want to stay with the person who broke it? Do we miss the person or miss the relationship or the idea of the person?

I can't stand my ex most of the time, he has good traits but at times is rude, irritating, careless, selfish, treated me very badly but still I find myself feeling sad sometimes when I think of the good times but I remind myself that i'm not sure if that was the real him. I question this because he treats him mum the same way and yet she does everything for him. Yes she is annoying and overbearing but how do you treat your own mother like that when she does as much as she does for you? I used to love his laugh, the late night calls, that he made me feel like a teenager again. Now I find his laugh annoying, he's laughing at my expense, I find him irresponsible and childish. Yet I feel sad.

I don't miss HIM. I miss the company, the fun, having someone to do things with. I feel lonely.

None of this is a new revelation. You can google the topic and read up on it. In time we may start to enjoy being on our own again, being our own person, not being put down or treated badly. We realise we have the chance to meet someone else, someone who really wants us and treats us great, our soul mate.

So why do we feel lonely and miss a person who mistreated us, or cheated on us? Why do we fight hard to be with someone who doesn't want us? Why is it so hard to move on?

cmf

[Juliet_84]

Hi CMF,

I see your post has resonated with so many of us, including me. I stayed in a domestic violence relationship for nearly two decades with a man who spat in my face, called me every name under the sun, threw back whatever I had disclosed to him within the supposedly safe confines of our relationship during arguments and treated me like I was nothing at times. And to me, he was (and a big part still remains) my soulmate. He tended to me when I was sick, he was there for me when I had a flat type and needed help. He was the first man who didn’t treat me any different when I was dressed up versus when I was in my home clothes, it felt like he saw “me”. And that is a powerful thing for me. But despite those good points, he is incredibly entitled, spoilt and has many issues that he refuses to work on. I think I ignored them for so long because he became my “family” and my family has always been problematic so it just felt like an extension of that. And for him, his mother put up with whatever bad behaviour he exhibited and made excuses for him and so the same was expected of me. It’s rare to meet someone who touches your soul and breaks through the insecurities and veneers, so it can be incredibly hard to let that person go or believe that there is someone else out there who can reach you the same way. But that person was once a stranger to you so it’s definitely possible/probable. 

[CMF]

Hi Juliet 

Yes, I hear you.

I'm not in that toxic relationship anymore. I'm lucky enough to be with a wonderful person, but I guess that doesn't mean the relationship is wonderful.  They are going overseas next month. It will be interesting to see how I feel. Will I miss him or his company. Knowing he is o/a having fun with his sister while I'm here alone is hard. 

The whole thing males me a bit nervous. 

[CMF]

So my partner is overseas with his sis & his boys. Do I miss HIM. Yes. I actually feeling really happy. Work has been good, time to myself good. I'm keeping busy on weekends.  We talk or video call every day or so. I feel light. Not bring around his sis feels like a weight off my shoulders. Sometimes I hear her booming voice in the background & I cringe.  She popped her head into one video chat to say hi & I was instantly deflated.  So I'm happy but I do miss HIM. 

Cmf

[CMF]

So he returned & we've broken up. Originally reconnected/got together a year after his 20+ year marriage broke up. He didn't want his marriage to end despite her cheating on him many times & had a 5 year affair. He realised while away he wasn't missing me as much as he should have away he couldn't give me all I needed & deserved in our relationship. This is why I got annoyed with his sis. It wasn't her fault it was his. He couldn't allow me the space I needed in his life to be what I needed to be with him. It's ok. We've both realised alot & been very honest. There was a gap in the relationship. We both see that now. Good thing it was a slow moving relationship. Reasons for everything.  So do I miss him or the relationship? Definitely him 💔