Lonely and failed as an adult

[Checkthebatteries]

There are two things you’re meant to do to succeed in life as an adult. Get a job and a career and also get close to someone who will take care of you.  

I have a postgraduate degree and I’m not dumb. No matter how many careers counsellors, job advice sessions, applications, CV rewrites, PD courses etc. I can’t get out of my underpaid entry level admin job. I am bored and miserable and the customers bully me and my manager doesn’t care. It means I can’t move out of my old, unairconditioned apartment, which is affecting my health. I feel so stupid and incompetent. I now cbf applying for anything else.  I have no partner so have to work. 

I have failed at every attempt at a relationship since I was a teenager. People tell me I’m nice and all but no one wants to be with me. Every time I get hurt. I don’t want to be with anyone anymore because it’s just awful. There is nothing positive about the experience. I have never been in a relationship because I always get used in the early stages and then hurt. I  have barely been kissed when most people have all their first experiences at more than half my age. I feel really lonely and I worry about the future as I will become less able that I will have no one, as all my friends have partners and I don’t have a sibling.

Everyone has said to me for decades “It/job/relationships/moving house will happen” but that it a total lie because no matter what I try, it doesn’t happen. 

No matter what I do, things never change and I feel like a total failure. I missed my school reunion because I felt inadequate compared to everyone with kids and careers. I don't want to see my friends because they all talk about their jobs and spouses.  I do hobbies and holidays and such like people say to do but they feel like a bandaid with no sense of accomplishment and I worry about the cost

[ABC01]

Dear checkthebatteries,

I have read your post tonight.

I am sorry that you feel this way currently. There is nothing wrong with you as a person. You are going through a rough time and that is okay.

I identify with so much that you are saying. Especially about jobs, relationships, current circumstances and being successful as an adult.

But I want to assure you that there is NO right way to be an adult. There isn't a set checklist that you have to tick off in order to be successful. There isn't a collection you need to complete to have that label. There isn't anything wrong with you if you don't have a specific life experience. Even if others around you do. We are brought up on TV and movies that show us a golden life that is so easy to achieve when we grow up. However when we get to adulthood, we often find our lives don't go like that. And if we don't follow the status quo, then WE are the wrong ones.

There is nothing wrong with you. You have met some people who simply don't deserve to be in a relationship with you. I don't believe at all that it due to a lack of experience in life. It sounds like a lack of decency on their part. Believing in their words isn't fair on yourself.

You are smart. You are capable and you are very good at expressing yourself. And just because your friends have something you may not, doesn't mean they are happy or "adults" either.

I have noticed you have acknowledged all the things you don't have. But have you acknowledged all the things that you have achieved? But really celebrate them? To me, reading your post, you have achieved so much and on your own two feet. That is something to be so proud of.

Do you want to continue to grow your future? You have said so yourself. You want a different job and that will hopefully lead you to move into a better living arrangement. You have goals. That means you have optimism and hope for yourself, or else you wouldn't want anything different. Don't give up on that. You deserve those good things. And you don't need another person to get them. Plenty of adults live by themselves and provide for themselves. Just because you have a partner doesn't mean times don't get hard or you don't need to work. Unless you walk a day in someone else's shoes, you never know what is happening in another's life. You only get to live your life. Please don't try to compare yourself to others.

You are not a failure. You won't ever be one. The fact that you wrote your post on this forum is so brave and honest. I bet so many people feel like this too but can't say it out loud. I am sorry I can't give you any other advice or answers to your difficulties.

I am sending you nothing but support and a hope that you can love yourself a little bit more each day.

I am happy to respond to a reply if you ever want too.

ABC01

[therising]

Hi Checkthebatteries

I think one of the greatest and most helpful revelations I've ever had is 'No one's ever shown me how to live, under the circumstances'. The first question that followed such a revelation was 'How the hell do I do it?'. How do we raise our self when no one's shown us how to do it? How do we recharge our batteries when no one's shown us how to do it? How do we change our mind or open it, how do we change and work with inner dialogue and how do we do a whole lot of other things when no one's shown us how to do any of that stuff? The revelation that follows can be 'No wonder I'm struggling something shocking!'.

I've found there are 2 types of people in this world, raisers and non raisers. While there are those who can raise us in a variety of ways through certain challenges that we face, there are those who either won't do this or don't know how to. The raisers can raise our consciousness and our spirits. They can raise us to open our mind and change our way of looking at things, they can raise us to change certain outdated or depressing beliefs, raise us to become more challenging toward those who need to be challenged in regard to the ways they speak to us or treat us, for example. They can raise us to meet with new and exciting emotions and the list goes on. If we're sensitive folk, we can typically sense our self being raised in some way. If we're sensitive folk, we can also typically sense or get a feel for the kinds of people who bring us down, put us down, keep us down and so on. Then there are some who can just leave us alone to vibe on the same uninspired or depressing level. We can feel that too. 'No difference at all' has a feel to it.

I've learned there's nothing wrong with being sensitive, having the ability to sense. In fact, it's a rather handy ability and well worth mastering. While it can prove depressing and stressful at times, it can also be a 'fast tracker'. What I mean my that is you can develop the ability to sense or feel who or what's bringing you down, who's self serving, who's arrogant, who's dismissive, who's got a shocking sense of self entitlement etc. There's a good reason as to why I stopped working with the public at the age of 20 (I'm 53 now). While there are certain members of the public who can be amazing, amusing and deeply thoughtful, I just can't tolerate self entitled people. You know, the kind of people who feeling fully entitled to treat you like garbage. What the hell, what's up with that? They're just too triggering. I can feel these people through my nervous system. And when it comes to our private life, I think the ideal relationship is one where both parties in the relationship share a desire to lead each other to develop and evolve through a variety of challenges. When we're meeting with the kinds of people who prefer to walk away from challenges, this says more about them than us. For example, if we're the kind of person who's never been big on adventure, an amazing partner will raise us to a love of adventure. A far less exciting partner will simply walk away to find an adventurous person. They'll take the easy way out and that's not our fault.

[Conky]

Hey Checkthebatteries,

Have you thought of career change ir bigger life changes? I know you have postgrad level education, but maybe some other field will bring you personal satisfaction. I began my current career at 34 and had to shape the roles I've had to feel satisfaction and now, at 47 and doing the job of my life, where I am happy and valued. It took a big change to do it, but it was worth everything to follow my heart.

I have had two long term relationships, and I do have kids, but I've been on my own for 6 years now and I can tell you, this loneliness is just as hard. I had many years gaps between them as I am not a casual dater at all. The thing I've  learned most is that when you are on your own, you can experiment with who you really are and follow your heart and interests without comment, query or discouragment (from a partner)

If the world isn't offering anything at the moment, look deep inside and unlock the treasure chests in there. It may feel hard at the moment if you are feeling flat about life. I used to think it was inspiration motivation action, but its the reverse for me, start with action and when you find something it begins to motivate. It can be gritty internal work, but it can help you find satisfaction in a place you weren't looking. What do you do when you procrastinate? That often gives an indication of your true interests.

Anyway, keep fighting, there can be joy in unlikely places

[Robby60]

Hi Checkthebatteries,

Having surpassed the ripe old age of 60, I make no claim to wisdom but what the years give you is perspective. It's difficult making this point because as much as I wish I could give the 20 year old me advice, I know the twenty year old me wouldn't listen!

It's funny how perspective changes during life. When I was in my twenties I lamented being single and watched others shacking up with some envy and sadness.

Then I ended up getting married and going through a protracted nightmare divorce.

I'm single now and I look at people in marriages a bit like the way I look at people in prison. Almost 50% of marriages end in divorce and combined with the anecdotal evidence of guys stuck in joyless marriages they cannot escape without being estranged and financially obliterated, make no mistake about it; most people do not find a trustworthy and comforting lifelong partner.

I'm single now and I like the freedom of it.

I've come to realize that it's entirely up to me to create my own direction in life.

I get along with people a lot better by not expecting too much from them.

But I don't know if I could truly arrive at this visceral state without having the experience of a relationship go so badly. Maybe Nietzsche was right.

I wish I could bottle it or put it in a pill.