Lack of empathy from sibling

[AnotherRandomUser]

My sister never seems to care about my feelings or well-being. I'm not sure if its intentional or if perhaps she has a genuine problem showing empathy.

She messages me about her life, feelings, and well-being and I show active interest in her life.
But then she never asks me about my life other than the typical "how are you?" and "what have you been doing?" but even then never responds to my answers.

There's no "Im sorry youve been sick, I hope your doing okay" Or "Im glad you and your friends had fun" Or "Ive missed you lately, I hope your good." There's no emotion, and no follow up questions.

I either get "okay," no response, or she'll just keep talking about herself.
There is never ever any mention of her feeling anything towards me, or having any interest in my life.

I've tried telling her how I feel about this but she doesn't understand at all. She just says she does care and she shouldn't have to prove it. Ive tried to tell her that she does have to prove it because my feelings matter, and how am I supposed to know she cares if she never tells me.
She will then say she'll consider my feelings more in future, but nothing changes.

I dont know what to do at this point. I tried asking her to get therapy, hoping maybe a therapist could explain it to her. But she refuses.
And I still dont know if its intentional or not. Like maybe she really doesn't care about me, and I'm trying to salvage a friendship that doesn't exist!?

I feel hurt though, I feel like if I disappeared tomorrow she wouldn't even notice. She thinks so little of me its like I don't even exist sometimes. Even when I've ended up in hospital; she doesn't call me, she doesn't worry about me, she doesnt react at all. When I ask her why she says "I was busy" or "I forgot." Theres literally no emotion, and she doesnt seem to get why it matters.

Should I give up? I love my sister, but I often wonder if she cares about me at all.

[Croix]

Dear AnotherRandomUser~

I don't blame you for feeling hurt, I would too. That extreme example of you being in hospital wiht out her making contact is a very disappointing thing, and constantly having your sister talking about herself and her problems is no way for her to build a balanced relationship. Perhaps you are not the only one she treats this way, perhaps it is everyone.

All relationships take  some form of balance, and if one party does all the giving not only do they feel bad and undervalued over time but the other party simply goes on unchecked.

You have tried to make her understand and she has said she'd do better, but it comes to nothing and things go on the same. This may not be something that needs therapy, simply some people are more natually self-centered than others.

You ask should you give up? Well, for a start you cannot switch off loving someone, it is  there. You can leave yourself less open to being hurt, and I'd suppose one way to do that is not to take here trials as seriously when she complains, and not to put forward your own matters, as you know they won't result in sympathy.

I guess it means you draw back a bit, and try to focus on other people and areas of your life that are more equal or satisfying. It's upsetting, but people do change over time and your sister may have enough experience in the  future to value others.

You are very welcome to talk here anytime

Croix

[quirkywords]

Another random user,

Thanks for writing you post do honestly. I am sure many people can relate to you. 
it is sad when a loved one does not seem to care. 
I have had a close relative say you are well and so I didn’t need to answer. 
croix has given a very supportive reply.

we are listening .

[AnotherRandomUser]

I know I'm not the only one she treats like it, she gets called a "spoilt brat" a lot by others.

I still don't think her behavior is entirely intentional, she has always had issues communicating her feelings and understanding other peoples emotions. Even as a young kid.
But at the same time, if she won't work on it or get help, I feel I can't really do anything else. I don't feel its right for me to be treated like this all the time. I've tried talking, compromising, asking her about how she feels... I get no where. She just doesn't seem to have any will to treat me better. She might not be good with emotions but she is intelligent, I know she's not completely oblivious to whats she's doing, I think she just doesn't want to be responsible for it. Like shes thinking "well I cant deal with this so its your problem."

By giving up I mean not keeping in contact as often. Maybe keeping her at a distance. I can't stop caring but I'm tired of being hurt over and over. But honestly, even distancing myself hurts, because I know she won't care in the slightest if I become more distant. In fact I'm sure she'd be delighted to only have me around as someone to call on when she needs something, and to not bother with emotionally. Which shows how little she considers me.

I guess the real issue is if I can push away. She's the only family I have, so I feel a bit scared to step back with less contact. What if she decides to give up on me entirely? If she can ditch me when I'm sick, will she ditch me entirely if I distance myself? I know its silly to hold on to a friendship with a sibling who doesnt care in return, or very little, but I find the idea of it hard.

But maybe your right, maybe she'll mature over time and want to work on it someday. Maybe I need to think of this as hopefully not permanent. Maybe one day when she's older we can be proper friends. I still care about her, and will be there for her, but I dont want to be hurt anymore, and I want our friendship to go both ways.

[Croix]

Dear AotherRandomUser~

Look, I think I understand what you are going though and the fact there does not seem to be any action you can take (or not take) that does not in the short term lead to more hurt.

If you back off then you have the worry she will not notice or even feel less pressure and glad, and your only family member will slide away.

If you stay as you are you keep on getting hurt.

At least you know it is not just you she is hurting, but others too - a failing in her.

I guess last time I talked about people changing as thier life does, and I was talking about you sister and how she may well come to value people more. That's only one side of the coin though -you will undoubtedly change too.

So what might the change be? If you try to keep close and keep on being hurt - and you are like me - then resentment will grow and grow toghter with the hurt. It may reach the stage you simply have nothing ot do wiht her. That's a closed door, hard to reopen from either side

If you just step back a bit, then even though it hurts  maybe you will change in other ways, and the  relationship will not be as hurtful on a day to day basis, as you will find other things in your life.

So what do you think?

Croix

[geoff]

Hello AnotherRandomUser, yes I know exactly what you are saying because I have someone who rings me twice a week and all he does is the same as your sister, too wound up about himself and doesn't even listen or care about what may be happening to me, it is annoying as all his world revolves around himself and what he tells me is only repeating what he told me the other day, only because he forgets who he has told as he tells numerous people.

You can still love your sister but understand that her world is all she is involved in, and he may even do the same with her friends.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[AnotherRandomUser]

Sorry for the late response. I had a argument with my sister and it turns out her showing no care about how I feel, was in fact completely intentional.

I confronted her on it and first she denied it, then she said it was my own fault if I got hurt, then she said she had a right to not care about me if she wasnt up to it, then she said it was revenge because she feels I dont tell her I care about her with enough enthusiasm so she shouldnt have to care about me, then she said she thought I didnt want her to tell me she cares, and finally she said she never promised to treat me better so she shouldnt have to.

Don't ask me which response is the real answer, I dont know either. But whenever I said it still wasn't okay, she got angrier, made a new excuse, and doubled down on the idea it wasnt her problem if she hurt me.
Even when I admittedly yelled and said "I could have died and you didnt care!" in relation to me being sick, she just scoffed at me and said "well you cant expect me to change overnight." I didnt even know what to say to that.

So she knew, she was just acting like she was oblivious to take advantage of me. And me, the gullible fool, accepted it because I wanted to believe she wouldn't treat me like that on purpose.

So, I think your right.

I think as much as it hurts, I need to step back. Because if I keep giving her another chance, she isn't going to do better, she's going to hurt me over and over until I cant take it anymore.

Though tbh, Im not sure how I feel now anyway. Its a lot realizing how badly Ive been manipulated. I feel like an idiot, and yet, I also still wish she cared. Heh, it kinda sucks.

[AnotherRandomUser]

Thanks Geoff. Im sorry your going through that, it is really hard. Giving so much support to someone, but have them barely care in return.

And yeah your right, and I know she does it to her friends too because of how she talks about them. One of them is going through a tough time and my sister kept saying how much of a burden it was that they were so down about it.

I really ought to have seen it as a sign as to how she felt about me really.

[Croix]

Dear AnotherRandomUser~

Well it sounds as if you are not going ot get anywhere wiht your sister any time soon, and her responses do not seem in the least encouraging, in fact very self centered.

You don't do yourself justice in calling yourself a gullible fool. Really you have offered love and care - which reflects the sort of person you are. Would you really want to change who you are?  In life we come across those who are not the same, and it can hurt, but if you don't give people the sort of chance you do right at the start life would be smaller.

Croix

[AnotherRandomUser]

@Croix

Yeah I think theres nothing I can do. I cant force her to be more caring when she doesnt want to. Im just going to have to let it go, focus on the people in my life who do care about me, like my friends.

And thanks, I think I needed to hear that. I admit I always blame myself when things dont turn out with people, either thinking I havent tried hard enough, or that I didnt notice the hints that I wasnt wanted in the first place.
But your right, I think maybe I am glad I at least tried, even if it hurt in the end.

(PS to everyone here: Im still figuring out how this forum works so sorry for not "@"ing everyone. Thanks everyone for your kindness though, its appreciated.)