Hi SGD
I think sometimes people find it difficult to tolerate what they can't relate to. Whether it involves the pain and fear that comes as a result of great loss (as with miscarriage), the discomfort that may come from eating out at a place we're not comfortable with or the obsessive and understandable need to manage food, if someone can't relate then they may be intolerant.
I think of a good friend I have whose understandable need to take a lot of time in researching a menu really tests me. While it takes time for her to strategically research a menu and call on staff to ask detailed questions about the content of food, it triggers my nervous system. It's my challenge though, to better understand her need, as she's gluten and lactose intolerant. I can either take the time to develop my patience before we eat or take the time to be patient while she's vomiting in the toilets after we've eaten. Being a caring friend, I want her to enjoy the meal we have together, not suffer as a result of it. I develop my patience through wanting her to experience joy. Putting myself in her position, trying to relate, I can understand her fear of becoming ill and suffering.
I can relate to some of the fears that can come with miscarriage, as I experienced miscarriage myself many years ago. As a result of miscarriage, many needs develop. From the need to wonder about and manage everything that's going to produce the best result in the next pregnancy through to the need to check for spotting every time I'd go to the toilet, there were many needs that developed (some of them as a result of fear). Compassionate people will try and relate to our needs, even if they can't fully relate through lack of personal experience. While I can understand my friend's need to intensely research what she's going to eat, I can also understand your need in managing what you eat. For you, it's not just about food. It's about food becoming a life or death situation, regarding your baby.
Your husband had an option he may not have considered. He had the option of simply saying 'This is where we're going' and that's all or he could have said 'This is where we're going and I can understand your concern. Let's research the menu together, so that you know the choices you have ahead of time'. If there turned out to be absolutely no choices for you on the menu, the next 2 options could have involved understanding your desire to stay home while he went out or negotiating with his family in regard to a different location. Could take it even further and say his sister had the option of persuading her child to choose somewhere else, while promising they'd eat at his place of choice a few days later, or sticking with the choice where there were no options for you. Plenty of options or choices all 'round.
Sometimes I find it can be easier to lead people to see where I'm coming from if I can trigger their imagination a little. If I can put an image or images in someone's mind that can offer them a different perspective, this can help. On the other hand, if they flat out refuse to see into their imagination when it comes to what I'm trying to convey, I have no patience for their blatant lack of willingness to sense what I see in my mind. Btw, I've found people who can easily gain a sense (aka 'sensitive people') can be much easier to relate to 😁. Personally, I would say to my husband something along the lines of 'I can either stay at home while being happy for you go out and celebrate or I can come out and eat the food you expect me to eat. Now I want you to see me becoming ill after eating that food and losing the baby. Can you now seeing yourself being happy about what you expected me to do? Was that one meal worth it?'. To him, it's just food. For you, it's so much more.
