Loneliness and how do I deal with it?

[_kj]

I’ve recently been feeling really lonely, and I don’t know what to do

I have family, which I am grateful for, but it isn’t enough

I sort of just want a friend. I want to connect with someone. However, all my experiences with ‘friends’ have been pretty mediocre and I can never keep the ones I do manage to make

People say friendships happen when you’re not looking for them. So when someone initiated a friendship with me recently, I felt really hopeful.

But they don’t actually give me the time of day. We talk, but only if I reach out first. They put in no effort at all.

The mental stress of trying to navigate this ‘friendship’ makes me unwell. So I try to step away, but I think about it daily. It’s really affected my self esteem, and left me feeling not good enough.

I’ve never been in a relationship, or on a date. I’ve been asked on dates before, but I’m too scared. I’d prefer to get to know someone first, but if you don’t immediately go on dates, they lose interest

I joined a club months ago, where I also do volunteer work. It makes me feel ok when I’m there, but then I just feel lonely again when I leave. Nobody seems to want to know me outside of that environment

I try to be myself, but myself is socially anxious, shy, and introverted. And people don’t seem to understand that, or have the patience for it

It’s like I’m stuck in this cycle of being myself but it isn’t enough 

So I give more than what is myself, but it comes off as fake

I’m constantly told to not let other people define my worth, that I don’t need other people to make me feel good, or I don’t need a relationship to be happy. 

But the people that say that are in relationships, they have friends. They have people that love and care about them  

It just gets really frustrating. I try not to dwell on it, but sometimes my emotions get the better of me. I’ve never felt lonely like this before.

It’s like I’m balancing between remaining hopeful or just flat out giving up

I’d love some advice or stories of other people overcoming situations like this. Because it feels like it will be this way forever.

[smallwolf]

Hello and welcome.

I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. Loneliness can be so overwhelming, especially when it feels like you’re putting in all the effort and not getting much in return. It’s okay to feel hurt and frustrated ... your feelings are valid.

It sounds like you’re doing some great things already, like volunteering and joining a club.

Building connections takes time, especially when you’re shy or introverted, but those small interactions you’re having now might grow into something deeper over time. 

One thing you might try is to ask questions of those you work with in the volunteering roles to find out things they like. I know you mentioned social anxiety and that would make things harder, but small steps are OK. It might also be the case that some of the other people that volunteer have the some problems as well. It's easy (in my case at least) to view other people as having no issues to deal with - but this is far from the truth.

Lastly, be kind to yourself. You’re not “not enough" and I am listening if you want to chat more.

[sbella02]

Hi KJ,

Thank you so much for reaching out, and welcome to the forums. I've been in a similar place to yourself before, and also I've had friendships where I've constantly been the one to reach out, and it does get exhausting. Here are my thoughts, hopefully to echo and build upon what Smallwolf has said.

In addition to what you're already doing, keep joining more clubs that you're interested in - if you find the right one, it can be really good for finding people. I pursued acting a while back and still have some really good friends and connections from that, for instance. My sister joined a writing club where she met many people with similar interest, in the midst of her own social struggles stemming from her being shy and introverted like yourself. Book clubs, sporting clubs, anything based on your interests can be really good. You can even join some online groups of people from a similar area to you who all have things in common (interest, experiences, etc.). Away from online groups, Facebook is also a good place for finding local events that appeal to you where you may be able to meet new people.

In the same vein, online friendships can be really impactful - provided you're maintaining safety online, places like Reddit and Discord can be great places to virtually meet people with similar interests or experiences. These friendships can be really easily maintained as there's no physical obligation too, so there's no pressure to meet up at a certain time or place, you just have to both be willing to communicate frequently over text.

I hope this helps, please feel free to keep chatting if you'd like, we're here for you.

Take care, SB