Loneliness and how do I deal with it?

[_kj]

I’ve recently been feeling really lonely, and I don’t know what to do

I have family, which I am grateful for, but it isn’t enough

I sort of just want a friend. I want to connect with someone. However, all my experiences with ‘friends’ have been pretty mediocre and I can never keep the ones I do manage to make

People say friendships happen when you’re not looking for them. So when someone initiated a friendship with me recently, I felt really hopeful.

But they don’t actually give me the time of day. We talk, but only if I reach out first. They put in no effort at all.

The mental stress of trying to navigate this ‘friendship’ makes me unwell. So I try to step away, but I think about it daily. It’s really affected my self esteem, and left me feeling not good enough.

I’ve never been in a relationship, or on a date. I’ve been asked on dates before, but I’m too scared. I’d prefer to get to know someone first, but if you don’t immediately go on dates, they lose interest

I joined a club months ago, where I also do volunteer work. It makes me feel ok when I’m there, but then I just feel lonely again when I leave. Nobody seems to want to know me outside of that environment

I try to be myself, but myself is socially anxious, shy, and introverted. And people don’t seem to understand that, or have the patience for it

It’s like I’m stuck in this cycle of being myself but it isn’t enough 

So I give more than what is myself, but it comes off as fake

I’m constantly told to not let other people define my worth, that I don’t need other people to make me feel good, or I don’t need a relationship to be happy. 

But the people that say that are in relationships, they have friends. They have people that love and care about them  

It just gets really frustrating. I try not to dwell on it, but sometimes my emotions get the better of me. I’ve never felt lonely like this before.

It’s like I’m balancing between remaining hopeful or just flat out giving up

I’d love some advice or stories of other people overcoming situations like this. Because it feels like it will be this way forever.

[smallwolf]

Hello and welcome.

I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. Loneliness can be so overwhelming, especially when it feels like you’re putting in all the effort and not getting much in return. It’s okay to feel hurt and frustrated ... your feelings are valid.

It sounds like you’re doing some great things already, like volunteering and joining a club.

Building connections takes time, especially when you’re shy or introverted, but those small interactions you’re having now might grow into something deeper over time. 

One thing you might try is to ask questions of those you work with in the volunteering roles to find out things they like. I know you mentioned social anxiety and that would make things harder, but small steps are OK. It might also be the case that some of the other people that volunteer have the some problems as well. It's easy (in my case at least) to view other people as having no issues to deal with - but this is far from the truth.

Lastly, be kind to yourself. You’re not “not enough" and I am listening if you want to chat more.

[sbella02]

Hi KJ,

Thank you so much for reaching out, and welcome to the forums. I've been in a similar place to yourself before, and also I've had friendships where I've constantly been the one to reach out, and it does get exhausting. Here are my thoughts, hopefully to echo and build upon what Smallwolf has said.

In addition to what you're already doing, keep joining more clubs that you're interested in - if you find the right one, it can be really good for finding people. I pursued acting a while back and still have some really good friends and connections from that, for instance. My sister joined a writing club where she met many people with similar interest, in the midst of her own social struggles stemming from her being shy and introverted like yourself. Book clubs, sporting clubs, anything based on your interests can be really good. You can even join some online groups of people from a similar area to you who all have things in common (interest, experiences, etc.). Away from online groups, Facebook is also a good place for finding local events that appeal to you where you may be able to meet new people.

In the same vein, online friendships can be really impactful - provided you're maintaining safety online, places like Reddit and Discord can be great places to virtually meet people with similar interests or experiences. These friendships can be really easily maintained as there's no physical obligation too, so there's no pressure to meet up at a certain time or place, you just have to both be willing to communicate frequently over text.

I hope this helps, please feel free to keep chatting if you'd like, we're here for you.

Take care, SB

[_kj]

Thank you smallwolf and sbella02 for your time, and advice. I hope the offer to listen still stands.

I’m the only volunteer there. And the staff are all older than me. Their conversations are more experienced, so even if they do include me, I can’t relate and feel I have nothing to contribute

I don’t really know where to start with online stuff. I like the idea of it, but I also don’t like to be on the internet so much

Honestly, I was feeling pretty content with my situation, and I was in a really good place for a bit.

But recently it feels like I’ve hit a wall

The friend that I made has been putting a little more effort into talking and they reached out a few times, but a recent event sort of made me feel like they’re just being nice and don’t genuinely want to talk to me. I don’t think anything is really going to progress with them. Maybe I’ve just set my expectations for friendship too high

I’ve been invited to participate in a gaming campaign with my sister, her partner, and a few of their friends.

I said yes, when usually I would shut something like that down because of anxiety. But I’m worried I’ll just be annoying and not fit in. I’ve psyched myself out

Christmas was REALLY difficult. I found out my brother has a girlfriend, it was secret, only my parents knew. But now it’s out and offical so it’s all anyone wanted to talk about at dinner.

Then we got to talk about my sister’s partner because he’s got all this interesting stuff going on at the moment. It was hard to sit there and listen to it.

I’m so so happy for them. But I’m jealous. And I hate it.

It breaks my heart that I’ll never have that. I can’t even make friends, let alone that.

I don’t feel like I fit anywhere. I can’t imagine people genuinely enjoying my company.

I’m sorry to be so negative, I’m just in a bad place mentally.

It’s like I was making some progress now I’m back at square one and feel lonelier than before

[sbella02]

Kj, it's good to hear from you again, and I'm sorry to hear that it's been a difficult period for you.

Building social confidence can be quite hard, and it's taken me many years to do. I still struggle with it at times. I was very reserved and quiet in high school, for fear of being judged or that people wouldn't like or care about what I had to say. As I've settled into adulthood, I've seen many different mindsets from different people who have had similar experiences:

• Some have the believe that being yourself and alone feels better than being accepted by others but not able to be yourself, which tends to be far more lonely
• Others believe that "comparison is the thief of joy", whereby negatively comparing yourself to people who appear more socially confident or are able to surround themselves with lots of people can mean that you lose sight of or doubt the things you're doing great at
• Learning to take what people say at face value rather than reading potentially misguided meanings into them also helps, although this can be difficult if you're used to overthinking (like me). I generally try to interact with people under the assumption that they will tell me if they have a problem, or that I can ask them if I'm unsure
• Other people I've seen have the "fake it till you make it" mindset when it comes to confidence, where acting like you are self-confident and self-assured can eventually lead to confidence developing, as you tend to put yourself in social situations that are more bold if you're feigning confidence. I've often taken the "fake it till you make it" approach - it's not necessarily a false portrayal of yourself, it just allows you to be yourself while removing the pressure of judgement. I'll draw inspiration from people who I have seen with social confidence, and use their tactics to form my own confidence

These approaches may all sound a lot easier to achieve on paper, but there are digestible steps that you can take to build social confidence and self-confidence. I'd be happy to offer some from my own experience. Manifestation and positive affirmations are one way to start 🙂

It sounds like the gaming campaign could be fun for you. If you'd feel comfortable opening up to your sister about your concerns, you could ask for her advice or support to make sure that you're able to have a good time there and connect well with the people in attendance. I know it may not feel like it now, but her invitation for you to join says a lot about her genuine enjoyment of your company, and is potentially an indication of her predicting that these might be people you'll get along well with. 

With regards to your new friend that you have made, if I may ask, what was the interaction that made you feel like they're only being nice?

There is a resource that I'll put here, it may not be of much interest for you but it's definitely something that can give you greater confidence when speaking to people who you feel like you cannot relate much to or won't be able to connect with. It's a Ted Talk on a few ways to have better and more worthwhile conversations with people.

I hope this helps, we're always here if you need to chat some more, as you know. 🙂

[_kj]

I’ve been told to try affirmations but I just don’t believe the positive things I tell myself. I’m wondering if you have some examples of positive affirmations you have used personally, or shared with others that were successful?

With the gaming campaign, I’ve been reassured that all the people attending will be very kind and relaxed. And will be super supportive. I’m trying to set myself a goal to commit to it, but I’ve already talked myself out of it twice

In regard to the friend, I almost don’t want to share what happened because I’m feeling really embarrassed about it.

I was feeling big emotions as this had just freshly happened when I posted, and now having had time to calm my thoughts and reflect, there’s no way I can think or write about what happened without seeing that the problem is probably just me overthinking

But this friend is also friends with my sister, which is how we met, and they invited the two of us to spend the day at a gallery.

I found out before the day, that I wasn’t actually invited. The friend invited my sister, not me.

My sister and I had been talking about going to this gallery before, which is the only reason I was invited. She told that friend our plans and they agreed to make it a group thing

We didn’t end up going anyway as this friend was unwell and had to cancel the plans

But I can’t even describe the sick feeling that washed over me when I found out that they didn’t choose to have me there, they just agreed to it.

And now I don’t know if I should, or even want to go if the plans are rescheduled.

I’m aware that this friend is not in the wrong at all. They don’t owe me invites to places. And I’m also grateful to my sister for inviting me.

I think it really just hurt because this friend and I had recently been talking and I thought I was actually being considered enough of their friend to be invited.

I already was feeling like I’m annoying when I message them, and now I’m probably ruining their day by tagging along because they’re too nice to say they don’t want me there

I thought maybe I was making progress and just feel like I’ve been knocked down. And I’m not very resilient, so it just gets harder to build myself back up each time

[sbella02]

I would say that in your case, the most effective affirmations may be ones that you can find tangible evidence for:

• I am loved - my sister values my company and invites me to social events
• I am valued - my sister and her friends have a place for me in their gaming campaign
• I am compassionate - I enjoy volunteering and helping others
• I am thoughtful - I am able to reflect after things happen in my life
• I am empathetic - I care about what others think and feel and can put myself in others' shoes
• I am strong - I reach out for help when I am in need

These may be good places to start - these are just my examples based on what I've read from you in your post/replies. Try to get comfortable with speaking about yourself positively, and finding qualities within yourself that you like. 

I'd like to reframe your situation with the gallery to help you see it from a slightly different perspective. Your sister talked to her friend about the possibility of having you there too, and this friend obliged. Her friend didn't have to. That shows intention, from both of them. After your sister's suggestion, they made the decision together to have you there. That sounds to me like this friend welcomed the idea of having your company there. I would argue that this is the same with the gaming campaign - your sister's friends have agreed to have you on board. This sounds to me like it's purposeful, there's intent - a collective decision has been made. 

It also sounds like you have a good relationship with your sister. If you're feeling nervous about attending the gaming campaign and you need some encouragement to commit to it, you could let her know how it's making you feel and that you'd like some reassurance and/or help with staying committed to attending. 

You don't have to be embarrassed on here, it's okay. Your feelings are valid, even if you feel that you misread the situation. Put simply, overthinking is a product of our minds trying to protect us from negative consequences. Your mind is doing its best to protect you from experiencing something negative.

[_kj]

Thank you, I will give these affirmations a try.

I suppose that’s a different way to look at this situation.

It’s so easy for me to fall into that negative mindset. Even when I briefly had friends in the past, they never invited me out. Only ever received a “you can come if you want” invite, which I don’t find genuine. I guess this gallery invite just felt too much like that for me.

I still feel awkward about it, but if this outing is rescheduled maybe I will go. Take it as an opportunity to spend more time with this friend

My sister and I definitely have a very good relationship. She has told me to attend at least three sessions before deciding if I don’t want to do it. But I have a feeling she isn’t going to let me back out at all.

She knows that I struggle and have always struggled with people and making friends, but I haven’t told her that I have been feeling lonely lately.

She’s probably clued on to that though.

I’m worried that she will be the only friend I ever have, and I feel like I’m running out of time in my life to make any others

[sbella02]

Kj, I definitely understand what you mean. It can come across as disingenuous when people say things like "you can come if you want", because it can sound like "I don't care whether you're there or not". Although some people may mean it like this, some people genuinely say this to give the other person autonomy in deciding whether or not they want to be there. I also think that some people don't necessarily recognise that there's a negative connotation when saying it like this, or that saying something like "I'd love for you to join" or "I'd enjoy having you there" would instead be better received. 

You're never out of time to make friends. There are people to meet at every stage of life through different experiences, and your mindset will change and develop as you get older too. 

It's great that you have a good relationship with your sister, that's an important connection to have. It sounds like she'll be good at encouraging you to attend these sessions too. 

[_kj]

You’re offering so much support and advice, I feel terrible that it’s just not sticking for me. I truly appreciate it, I’m just really struggling. This isn’t where I thought I would be at this point in my life.

I guess it’s just unfortunate that I’ve not come across anyone who recognises that negative connotation. And I’m not, at this point, expecting to meet anyone that does.

We’ve had two gaming sessions so far and I don’t think I can do it. I don’t think I fit in. Everyone there has a long history with each other and I’m just in the middle of it. I have so much trouble putting myself out there, overcoming my shyness and anxiety. And it just throws others off, I think. Probably because I seem uninterested. 

But then I feel like when I do manage to push through my shyness, I seem too keen. Which is apparently also off putting.

Everyone in the group just talks to each other and not to me. 

They are all nice, don’t get me wrong. But I can tell that I’m just not the same as them. I know I don’t really have to be the same but it’s very obvious that I’m odd one out. I’m not at the same level of intelligence or humour as them, and I just feel so defeated. I have no idea what I’m doing.

And I know that I can probably try harder, that’s what I’m often told, but there’s a point where I don’t think the effort should fall completely on me. 

Just like my most recent friendship. They knew I was shy, yet all the effort was put on me. And they put in next to no effort. I forced myself out of my shell because I wanted the friendship to work, and it seems like no matter what I do or say I get nowhere with them.

But now I’ve pulled back completely, I’m not trying anymore which means the friendship is over because they don't contact me, and don't care enough about it to make it work.

I’m scared of interacting with anyone else out of fear that I'll enjoy their company more than they enjoy mine, and the friendship will turn out just like that one.

I understand it takes time to grow on people and to get to know them. But that feeling of running out of time just makes it so hard to accept that friends aren’t instant. And if it’s not instant then I feel as though I’ve failed and I give up.

I’m finding that as I get older, my mindset is actually getting worse. I can’t help it with the negativity and I hate myself for it. I feel too far gone like there’s no point. Making friends as an adult is difficult, people are too busy working or have children and don’t have time to be social.

I can’t help but think that maybe I just need to find ways to get used to being alone. I used to be content with that, I’m sure I can do it again. But that’s also probably half of my problem.