I feel like he's emotionally unavailable but doesn't understand it's impacting my mental health

G.P

Unsure if any of this will make sense, but don't feel like I have anywhere to turn to right now. My husband and I have been been married for a year, and it's been a challenging year for us mentally. There's been some good moments this year, but overall I feel like our relationship is not at its best. We've committed ourselves to working on our mental health by seeing psychologists separately, and have occasionally seen a couples counsellor. There's been some progress, and I know progress takes time, but there's one thing that we can't seem to work through. I feel like he's unable to accept my emotions or feelings because it doesn't make sense to him or is irrational. He withdraws when I cry, and then I feel guilty for crying, when honestly, I'm just trying to release what I'm feeling. Today for instance, I went for a walk to clear my mind and get some fresh air. I was in a reflective mood. I returned from my walk and he asked how I was feeling. I told him, I was reflecting on things generally and was looking to vent. I've been feeling flat lately about our relationship, and other anxieties have been bothering me which I mentioned. I mentioned lightly that we both need to continue working more on ourselves individually and together, while recogising that we're doing our best. Immedialtely he became defensive and began to talk about all the all his efforts to help. I expressed to him that I appreciate his efforts, but I wasn't looking for immediate action, but just to be heard that this was what was on my mind as I was asked when I returned from my walk. I was really looking for emotional support. And lately this is how our arguments have been, that I'll look to express my point of view, and when I become frustrated or hurt, I cry because it's all I can manage. And I'm crying as I write this now because I feel defeated at trying to feel understood. It's happened many times over months, and it hurts.. He says that it comes from a deeper place, that when he saw his mum being highly emotional he couldn't accpet it because he felt his mum was erratic, illogical and had mental health problems. I feel like I'm now this projection. That he's pacifying me. And worse, I feel like I can't be emotional around him for fear of being rejected again & again. I've communicated the above, but it's too hard for him. And I just feel so suppressed because of his emotional unavailabilty. There's so much more that's been happening, but this is all I have space for right now.

G.P

To add to the 'pacifying', what I mean is that he mentioned that around his mum, he would try to anticipate her mood so that he could do the right thing and not get in trouble. And now I feel like that. I just can't stop crying right now, it's so hard to feel rejected like this when I'm just epxressing to be heard (which I've asked him kindly many times), and feel so unheard because he's constantly trying to justify and list all of the things that he's done to prove that he's working on it, and gets frustrated when I ask that I'm mostly seeking emotional support. I don't know what to do anymore honestly.

therising

Hi G.P

All the work you're both putting in is something to be so incredibly proud of. There are many people in life who never seek such a deep and clear level of self understanding, so for you both to be doing this is amazing. For you to being doing this individually and together is twice as amazing and seriously impressive, it really is.

One thing I've learned over the years, when it comes to my mental health, involves choosing who I appoint as my emotional support and guide. In some cases it will be my husband (depending on the circumstances) but in many cases it will involve someone else. For years I appointed my husband this role and for years he would often dis-appoint himself from it at times, for a number of reasons that I gradually came to understand. A handful of reasons

He isn't able to feel or sense as deeply or as easily as I can in some cases
He doesn't like to feel emotional challenges because feeling them can upset him, so he switches off from certain challlenges
He can't always relate to the emotional experiences, thoughts, feelings or inner dialogue that impact me or others
He doesn't regularly practice tapping into other people's emotions. I've found that in being the primary carer of kids (a stay at home mum before eventually going out to work again), there was little choice when it came to practicing getting a better sense in regard to how my kids were feeling at certain times. Gaining a better feel or sense involves becoming more sensitive. My 22yo daughter and 19yo son helped me 'come to my (emotional) senses' I suppose you could say. They helped me emotionally develop

The fact that your husband knows, to some degree, what lies behind his thoughts and feelings when it comes to how he reacts is significant. When I ask my husband, he often says 'I don't know' and if I continue to question (on my quest for greater understanding), he'll shut the conversation down. So, that is progress for your husband to know. As he mentions, he's making progress. But, as you mention, knowing doesn't entirely help you.

I'm wondering whether what might help could involve approaching sensitivity from a different angle. I've found a fascinating book to be 'Sensitive Is the New Strong', by Anita Moorjani. Moorjani puts an empowering spin on sensitivity. Kind of like if you have this incredible ability to sense, you need to know how it works and how to use it. When to switch it on, when to switch it off, how to turn the volume up and down on feelings or what you sense, how to gain a better sense of other people's feelings (practicing empathy or empathic ability) etc etc. Sensing or feeling all the time can become overwhelming and exhausting, as it can produce a lot of mental, physical and emotional hyperactivity. It's important to switch off occasionally (aka 'experiencing a sense of peace').

When a highly sensitive person can easily sense a person disconnect from them, it can feel incredibly upsetting. I've found it can have a sharp, sudden and intense feel to it, the severing of that emotional channel. I've also found that is pays to ask 'Who can I make a connection with now?'. Typically, it'll be another sensitive person, who's able to easily gain a sense of what it is I'm struggling with.🙂

Olliepop

Hi G.P

I too am a crier!

Im no therapist, i come here for support also, but i understand how you feel. My husband is a straight shooter too, no if's or buts, gets angry, like to have his point put across and hes right.. full stop. And when you defend yourself, its like why, and if the tone of his voice is some what high, automatically im ready to cry too.

I have been a crier my whole life, and to this day, although im better... if i have to talk about something important to anyone, and i cry.. i let them know "i dont know why im crying right now, but just hear me out" and i find when i say this, people listen.. wait for me, and i stop crying.. the wave sometimes comes back, but the more i voice i know im crying, its just my emotions, it helps... and it helps the person you are crying infront of.

My husband knows, i cry, i clam up, or im so angry.. are the top bad emotions.. i have learnt, if i ground my feet to not cry, and speak to him in a way thats not tooooo angry (even if i am)... it settles him in his state. And i repeat it, and if he doesnt stop.. i tell him, im not talking to you if this is how you are going to be, you dont like me crying, i dont like your tone.

I feel for you..my older brother told me the other day i havent been married long enough (as im going through something now with my family vs my husband and emotions are all over the place) and i have been married for 6 years, so if this is true, and youre in year 1.. hold on GF! xxx