I feel like he's emotionally unavailable but doesn't understand it's impacting my mental health

[G.P]

Unsure if any of this will make sense, but don't feel like I have anywhere to turn to right now. My husband and I have been been married for a year, and it's been a challenging year for us mentally. There's been some good moments this year, but overall I feel like our relationship is not at its best. We've committed ourselves to working on our mental health by seeing psychologists separately, and have occasionally seen a couples counsellor. There's been some progress, and I know progress takes time, but there's one thing that we can't seem to work through. I feel like he's unable to accept my emotions or feelings because it doesn't make sense to him or is irrational. He withdraws when I cry, and then I feel guilty for crying, when honestly, I'm just trying to release what I'm feeling. Today for instance, I went for a walk to clear my mind and get some fresh air. I was in a reflective mood. I returned from my walk and he asked how I was feeling. I told him, I was reflecting on things generally and was looking to vent. I've been feeling flat lately about our relationship, and other anxieties have been bothering me which I mentioned. I mentioned lightly that we both need to continue working more on ourselves individually and together, while recogising that we're doing our best. Immedialtely he became defensive and began to talk about all the all his efforts to help. I expressed to him that I appreciate his efforts, but I wasn't looking for immediate action, but just to be heard that this was what was on my mind as I was asked when I returned from my walk. I was really looking for emotional support. And lately this is how our arguments have been, that I'll look to express my point of view, and when I become frustrated or hurt, I cry because it's all I can manage. And I'm crying as I write this now because I feel defeated at trying to feel understood. It's happened many times over months, and it hurts.. He says that it comes from a deeper place, that when he saw his mum being highly emotional he couldn't accpet it because he felt his mum was erratic, illogical and had mental health problems. I feel like I'm now this projection. That he's pacifying me. And worse, I feel like I can't be emotional around him for fear of being rejected again & again. I've communicated the above, but it's too hard for him. And I just feel so suppressed because of his emotional unavailabilty. There's so much more that's been happening, but this is all I have space for right now. 

[G.P]

To add to the 'pacifying', what I mean is that he mentioned that around his mum, he would try to anticipate her mood so that he could do the right thing and not get in trouble. And now I feel like that. I just can't stop crying right now, it's so hard to feel rejected like this when I'm just epxressing to be heard (which I've asked him kindly many times), and feel so unheard because he's constantly trying to justify and list all of the things that he's done to prove that he's working on it, and gets frustrated when I ask that I'm mostly seeking emotional support. I don't know what to do anymore honestly.

[therising]

Hi G.P

All the work you're both putting in is something to be so incredibly proud of. There are many people in life who never seek such a deep and clear level of self understanding, so for you both to be doing this is amazing. For you to being doing this individually and together is twice as amazing and seriously impressive, it really is.

One thing I've learned over the years, when it comes to my mental health, involves choosing who I appoint as my emotional support and guide. In some cases it will be my husband (depending on the circumstances) but in many cases it will involve someone else. For years I appointed my husband this role and for years he would often dis-appoint himself from it at times, for a number of reasons that I gradually came to understand. A handful of reasons

• He isn't able to feel or sense as deeply or as easily as I can in some cases
• He doesn't like to feel emotional challenges because feeling them can upset him, so he switches off from certain challlenges
• He can't always relate to the emotional experiences, thoughts, feelings or inner dialogue that impact me or others
• He doesn't regularly practice tapping into other people's emotions. I've found that in being the primary carer of kids (a stay at home mum before eventually going out to work again), there was little choice when it came to practicing getting a better sense in regard to how my kids were feeling at certain times. Gaining a better feel or sense involves becoming more sensitive. My 22yo daughter and 19yo son helped me 'come to my (emotional) senses' I suppose you could say. They helped me emotionally develop

The fact that your husband knows, to some degree, what lies behind his thoughts and feelings when it comes to how he reacts is significant. When I ask my husband, he often says 'I don't know' and if I continue to question (on my quest for greater understanding), he'll shut the conversation down. So, that is progress for your husband to know. As he mentions, he's making progress. But, as you mention, knowing doesn't entirely help you.

I'm wondering whether what might help could involve approaching sensitivity from a different angle. I've found a fascinating book to be 'Sensitive Is the New Strong', by Anita Moorjani. Moorjani puts an empowering spin on sensitivity. Kind of like if you have this incredible ability to sense, you need to know how it works and how to use it. When to switch it on, when to switch it off, how to turn the volume up and down on feelings or what you sense, how to gain a better sense of other people's feelings (practicing empathy or empathic ability) etc etc. Sensing or feeling all the time can become overwhelming and exhausting, as it can produce a lot of mental, physical and emotional hyperactivity. It's important to switch off occasionally (aka 'experiencing a sense of peace').

When a highly sensitive person can easily sense a person disconnect from them, it can feel incredibly upsetting. I've found it can have a sharp, sudden and intense feel to it, the severing of that emotional channel. I've also found that is pays to ask 'Who can I make a connection with now?'. Typically, it'll be another sensitive person, who's able to easily gain a sense of what it is I'm struggling with.🙂

[Olliepop]

Hi G.P

I too am a crier!

Im no therapist, i come here for support also, but i understand how you feel. My husband is a straight shooter too, no if's or buts, gets angry, like to have his point put across and hes right.. full stop. And when you defend yourself, its like why, and if the tone of his voice is some what high, automatically im ready to cry too.

I have been a crier my whole life, and to this day, although im better... if i have to talk about something important to anyone, and i cry.. i let them know "i dont know why im crying right now, but just hear me out" and i find when i say this, people listen.. wait for me, and i stop crying.. the wave sometimes comes back, but the more i voice i know im crying, its just my emotions, it helps... and it helps the person you are crying infront of.

My husband knows, i cry, i clam up, or im so angry.. are the top bad emotions.. i have learnt, if i ground my feet to not cry, and speak to him in a way thats not tooooo angry (even if i am)... it settles him in his state. And i repeat it, and if he doesnt stop.. i tell him, im not talking to you if this is how you are going to be, you dont like me crying, i dont like your tone.

I feel for you..my older brother told me the other day i havent been married long enough (as im going through something now with my family vs my husband and emotions are all over the place) and i have been married for 6 years, so if this is true, and youre in year 1.. hold on GF! xxx

[G.P]

Hello therising!

Thank-you for your reply, and for your assurance in the work that we're putting in, despite it feeling worthless at times. The growth for us has been incremental, but is making an impact, slowly. 

I like what you say about 'appointing' the right person as your emotinal support guide. This makes a lot of sense to me, because I know that I can rely more on my close girlfriends for this. It's quite a shift, but a helpful one. I think because a part of me expected that he could fulfill some of that role. I think it might just mean that I can depend that he'll provide in that way, which is hard, but also a little bit relieving. I think sometimes I crave more meaningful conversations from him where I don't feel like he's going to get so absorbed in  it. 

The other reasons yov've outlined about why he can't understand or be that role are also things that I think he's unable to be that emotional support. I think can be more mindful of this the next time I feel frustrated with him. Who, if you don't mind me asking have you appointed as your emotional support person? 

This line, "As he mentions, he's making progress. But, as you mention, knowing doesn't entirely help you." is everything - it always gets brought up in our arguments, and it's frustrating. For me, I'm not blind to his efforts and what he's done for me, it's more that I feel at a loss when he can't listen or acknowledge that what I'm going through is real. 

'Sensitive Is the New Strong', by Anita Moorjani. - I'll look into this book, it sounds like an interesting read and something that could be helpful for me to understand in terms of sensitivity and emotions. 

Thanks again! 🙂 

[G.P]

Olliepop, I totally understand! Thanks for your support! Crying for me is also my emotional release, when I don't know how else to respond, because I generally freeze and then shut down. Exactly, any shift in my tone, seems to trigger him and then he becomes defensive. It's good to hear that you have found your voice in all this though, and have been able to steady yourself by saying that you need to be heard despite the crying, that you're crying right now, but that it's ok, and that eventually others are more receptive. This might be something that I could try when I find myself feeling like this an crying. 

I really hope so - I hope marriage is one of those things that gets easier with time. Before being married, we were pretty hunky dory, but now everything is just too hard. I'll continue to do my best! I hope everything is going ok for you. 

[Olliepop]

Hello!
Hope youre feeling better today.

And yep, i understand... hunky dory, because everyone was just in a happy bubble, and on the same page, then life happens and different opinions kick in and TA-DAHHH!!
I get you, sometimes i hear myself when im about to bring up a topic, and the tone of my own voice makes me panic and cry (i laugh at myself now, but its taken ages to realise how i act too!)

Whenever you feel that bubble in your tummy, and the glass is about to spill over, just give them a heads up, because i promise itll help you! Or if someone asks, do you want to talk about XYZ... just be like, no, because i might cry, i need to settle down first... and maybe thatll help you, and also them in realising OK she knows it may happen, especially if your husband doesnt like it, he will realise you dont like it either and hopefully help you out of it.

I used to drill my husband, just because i cry, doesnt mean i have to be like him and be all rough and angry. Nobody is the same person.

I also tell people when they used to ask why are you crying, because i wasnt sure of the outcome and that makes me nervous. Telling them helps, vs clamming up. All my life i clammed up, then my family would just ignore whatever happened and moved on, which i believe if we spoke about issues then, would help me as i grew older. But, oh well. We change our own paths dont we, so the pattern stops repeating itself.

Dont worry about everything else, until you get you and your husband on the same page again.

I think it does get easier in time, because we do no take things as personally, and voice things sooner 🙂 xx

[Olliepop]

PS. Dont justify what your husbands done wrong, i used to do this.. but in fact all he needed was reassurance that what he did/said was valid, although i didnt like the delivery.. .it was valid. That helped our marriage, but not the realationship with my family as they expected me to just keep telling him what he did wrong, doesnt work that way. Just because they didnt like it, or they want to tel lhim off but cant, they expect me too. But reality isnt that, you can say ok i understand how you felt, BUT.. and explain.
Hope that makes sense 🙂 It may help your husband realise your on his team, but just dont like how he does things... he needs to learn the limits too xxx

[therising]

Hi G.P

Validation is incredibly important, especially for someone who physically feels emotion (certain energy in motion within their body). The feelings are absolutely real. There can definitely be some upset when our partner doesn't fully believe they're real for us. The need to trust the emotions are real is important because then they can say 'How can I help you through what you're feeling, while helping you gain a better sense of what it's about?'. I think it can be doubling frustrating when we can easily feel for our partner, help them through their emotions and help them make greater sense of things.

I have a circle of emotional support people. The key people in that circle would be my mum, my 22yo daughter, my 19yo son, my older brother and a guy who I see once every few years or so when life becomes deeply challenging. He's more so a kind of counselor for the soul rather than one for the mind, such as a psychologist. While each of the people in this circle share certain traits, they also have outstanding traits of their own. While they all share the trait of being sensitive, which gives them a the ability to gain a sense of the challenge/s I'm facing, they are also able to feel my feelings to various degrees. They all have sage-like qualities, they are all visionaries or seers who can help me see better (through my imagination) the challenge I'm really facing and the best way forward, they all share a good sense of humor and they're all intuitive on different levels. The list of traits goes on. Based on my mum having exercised love and compassion for so many years, these are some of her most outstanding traits. Based on my brother having faced significant challenges in his life over his 60 years on this earth, his most outstanding traits involve his ability to naturally analyse the hell out of things, so as to gain and offer a more heavenly sense of direction in life. While being a very sensitive person at times, he's also a 'tough love' kind of person, someone who demands effort from people (for their own good). My daughter is a highly intuitive person who can easily sense, also with a tough love nature at times (which is good for me). My son is a natural born comedian who can lead me to laughter even in my darkest moments and he has sage-like qualities that can blow my mind at times.

I'll leave you with something my son once said to me when he was a little kid: When I asked him how I can be a better person, his response was 'You already are a better person'. There can be moments where we forget or lose sight of just how far we've come in life, while traveling along our path. It's only in looking back that we can see the amount of progress we've made, the ground we've actually covered. I believe we are travelers in life, collecting skills and abilities along the way.❤️