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In a relationship but have an urge to be with someone else

auschic
Community Member
I'm in a long term relationship. Things are pretty comfortable and we get along great. I recently met another man who seems to have awoken something within me. I meet many men on a daily basis and have never felt this strongly about someone else. I did feel this way about my current partner when i first met him which was 5 years ago but other than that these are the only 2 guys I've ever felt this way about. I love my partner, but I can't stop thinking about this other man. I think about him every day and part of me wants to see him again. Even if we were to just talk, I would be happy.

The other man and I had some chemistry when we met and if I allowed it to go further, it would have. I let myself feel the feelings I had towards him but I didn't allow myself to act on them despite desperately wanting to. I've only spent a couple of hours with the guy and my thoughts are consumed by him.

I thought maybe it was a fantasy (the other man is very attractive to me), so I attempted to get rid of it by imagining him when I had sex with my partner. It didn't do anything at all. I could only feel like I was with my current partner.

I don't think It's about sex. I really enjoyed being around the other man, the way he made me feel safe and understood. It felt he was there to help me, which he was. He helped me through a difficult time when I was feeling like there was no hope. He made me feel empowered and I appreciated that. He was so knowledgeable and I respected him. I guess it felt nice having a man i was attracted to treat me so well.

When it was time to leave the other man, all I wanted to do was continue talking with him. I can't explain how much i loved talking to him and simply being in his presence. It wasn't necessarily 'I wanna f his brains out and kiss him all over' like what you would usually think when lusting after someone. Not to say I wouldn't want to do that, because I do find him very attractive and there is sexual energy there between us but if I had to choose between the two id say i rather sit some place quiet and simply talk with him.

I don't know how to figure out my thoughts. I'm so confused and I love my partner but at the same time this other man has had such an impact on me for some reason. It's seriously frustrating that someone i met once can consume my thoughts so much.
12 Replies 12

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

You are in an emotional dilemma that is well advance I believe, it must be difficult for you to balance these feelings and that is why you've come here for answers.

We often get these queries and commonly I refer members to the professionalism of say a psychiatrist that is attracted to a patient, how difficult it must be to remain professional and not breach protocol. But it seems clear to me that your feelings for this other man are well advanced and stronger. This places you in a desperate situation and therefore the next step is, in my opinion, some professional consultation in the form of relationship counseling or similar. You can start with your GP.

The other thing I'd like to discuss is the syndrome of "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence". The fact that there is things you dont know about this other man. In these situations we you dont know how he'd be as a lover, a partner, etc. He could be a chronic gambler, an unfaithful lover and so on...many possibilities there. This means that your mind currently is full of fantasies rather than the bigger picture. I think you know all this, but it's worth mentioning.

Many years ago I had a partner for 7 years. We split and I had lots of trouble accepting it. 6 months later a friend suggested I drop in on her to chat. It was the best thing I could do as I realised then that we would not have made it long term, the negatives of that relationship stuck out more clearer than before.

I hope you seek help and guidance to neutralize these feelings. You seem a passionate person that wants to "do the right thing" but very torn with this obsession. I feel for you. Repost anytime we are here to help out and not to worry if you have your thread here ongoing.

TonyWK

Aaronsis
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Good Morning auschic

Welcome to the forum and it is great to have you here, I understand totally what you going through as I have been there myself. I can share with you some of my thoughts about this and hope that it helps. It is such a painful and emotional thing to go through, that you are "emotionally" invested in someone else while standing there looking at your partner, whom you love. It is really hard to manage but I can share with you how I managed it and see if it resonates for you.

I was at the time married, I have since divorced my husband but not as a result of this, for about 14 years when this event started, I started a new role and in the office was "this man"..I dont need to explain how I felt as I think you already know, i felt electric to say the least when we spoke, he got me and we had conversations that were meaningful not just idol chit chat. We emailed during the day, he had a connection, he consumed me when I was at home and I could not wait to get to work each and every day, even when I felt so very ill one day I went to work.

As you mentioned this was not about sex as we didn't go there, not even a kiss, nothing that crossed the boundaries of my marriage, well technically...

So what to do, I know you are not going to want to hear this as the longer it goes on the harder and the more invested you become, until you question staying in your marriage and if you and your friend have a future together, you do have to say goodbye to this man.

Now you have nothing to base this new friend on, you don't know him really and you have not been in a relationship with him, the relationship and the thoughts of "what if" are in your head..your are role playing it. What if you do act on these thoughts and it turns out to be the worst thing ever and you have ended a marriage with a man you do know and love and trust and now this "idea" of a man does not turn out. You have now lost both.

I think you get what I am saying here and as horrible as it sounds and as hurtful as it is. I think perhaps you need to have a conversations and address the elephant in the room and explain why you need to end the "friendship" as it has the potential to hurt you emotionally and hurt your marriage.

I am so very sorry you are going through this and I am not sure if what I have said resonates with you, I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, and it really sux...huge hugs to you auschic.

Here to support you. Once again, this is just my experience with it.

AS xxxx

Hi auschic,

I was the husband at home, the father of our children, the original partner and love. The new guy at my X's work was a flash in the pan, he listened and sympathised, he laughed and joked-all to get my wife to have sex with him. Then he found someone younger and more attractive and moved on.

Now a 24 year marriage is ended, children have no father, and two adults are starting their lives over again. All for what felt like something special, but wasn't. My X still calls him a "Good Friend", though he moved away. I was tempted by women over all the years, staff parties where co-workers rubbed my thigh under the table or dinners where close friends got tipsy and acted inappropriately, but I stood by my partner. We all fall in and out of deep love during relationships, but remember the one you are with, if they not abusive, is the one you know. My wife and I had to break up because she couldn't look me in the eye, she could not hug or touch me, she could not be intimate- she just looked sad and said nasty things to me to drive me away.

I'm not married, just in a relationship however it's basically the same thing so it doesn't really matter.

I'm glad to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. In terms of controlling it, I think speaking to a professional would help me.

I really want to understand why I'm so obsessed with this guy. I'm even considering the possibility he could make me happier then my current partner. For some crazy reason, if he was who id be seeing tonight I'd feel so happy. Part of me is disappointed it's not going to go this way.

I'm wondering if there's something in this guy that attracts me that my partner doesn't have. To be honest I've been feeling neglected at times by my current partner which makes it worse when someone comes along that makes me feel good on an emotional level.

auschic
Community Member
Thank you for replying and sharing your story. I can understand how you must have felt.. it is very hard.

Did you ever find the reason why you were so attracted to the other man despite being married?

The more I acknowledge this feeling the more I start to understand it. Part of me feels angry because I'm still youngish, I'm not married, no kids and I feel like I'm putting my happiness aside because it's my *duty* to be faithful to my current partner. Even though if i was single I would jump on this oppourtunity straight away because it's what I feel I want in my heart.

Though I know this is irrational because I don't know who this guy REALLY is , but I do know who my partner really is.

I think I'm not happy with the current status of my relationship. Like, if I was happy, I wouldn't feel like I'm being 'tied down' and therefore wouldn't feel resentful at the fact I can't be with the other man.

I know it sounds stupid but the thought of the other man makes me feel happy, excited. The thought of my current partner, despite loving him, doesn't do the same for me and I feel shit about this.

That is so unfortunate and must have been difficult. I think if that were to happen to me relationships would be ruined for me. Id just be single and do whatever I wanted.

The fact you were faithful to her the whole time shows you are a good person and you should feel good about that. It kinda sucks though.. because you set aside your desires for other woman to be faithful to an unfaithful partner. Totally sucks.

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

How auschic,

I was once like you, in a committed relationship with someone I loved. But I always had one eye on the door in case there was someone out there who was better suited to me, understood me more, was my “soul mate”. I blame the movies for this notion that there is someone out there who is perfect for us in every sense and we just have to find them. In reality, love is a choice. You choose the person every day and you decide that you will turn inwards and support that person and they will do the same to you. That is how soul mates are built, because they don’t just happen, it takes a lot of work. And that isn’t particularly fun or glamorous and so it’s not portrayed, but you develop a much deeper bond with a person after seeing them at their worst and being there for them. Realistically, this new guy is showing you his best side, charming you essentially. We all do it when we meet someone that we are attracted to, and I’m sure a lot of that is him at his best, but eventually you will see that he has bad points as well, we all do. I think that you have a decision to make, turn inward to your relationship or outward and take a chance on this new person. Just make sure that you try and think clearly and logically when you make your decision.

Johnny_
Community Member

Hi auschis’s,

I have been through something very similar to you so I though maybe my experience will assist you now on what to do.

I was in a relationship for about 12 years or so. We met in our teen years, got married, built a nice house and had a good life together.

I always did thing for her throughout the relationship but in the last couple of years i slackened off a bit due to my new job.

Around that time I met a girl through my work and we just clicked like we’ve known each other for years. It was alway great to speak with her and I looked forward to it too.

We spoke for a month or so, mostly about work but some personal things too and yes I mentioned my partner all the time.

Then i started to feel a bit guilty and thought I felt like this when I first met my partner years ago.

Immediately I made a choice to put all my efforts into my relationship like I did when we met as I thought she just a new girl.

i did this for a year when eventually I couldn’t do it anymore and felt that we were two different people.

I ended the relationship and we both went our seperate ways, however we stayed friends as she understood how different we both are now.

In relation to the other girl...well, we went on a couple of dates and realised it really is just a friendship that we have. Nothing physical ever happened between us and many years have past and nothing has changed.

I hope this helps your situation a little.

ITnErd6
Community Member

Hi auschic,

as others have said your situation and thoughts are not uncommon.

I had a similar crush years ago and maybe calling it a crush will help you figure out your real feelings.

In my case the other woman attracted me and it wasn't until after that I realised why. I was married at the time and we had our ups and downs and a young child together. IVF had taken its toll on our relationship to get our first child and my then wife wanted another. It became such an issue we separated for several months then got back together and had relationship sessions. It was several years later that the other woman came along.

I had over the years met a few woman and developed crushes on them but never did anything. This one was different though for some reason and we kissed. We spoke a lot and realised we were both unhappy with our partners. Long story but we both left our partners and moved in together. It took me quite sometime to realise why I wasn't happy with my first wife. She was a narcissist. I loved her so much I couldn't see it.

I'm not saying auschic that this is your situation, I think my first wife was/is a unique person able to manipulate anyone she chooses to for her own sadistic pleasure. These type of people are quite rare in society.

I have married the other woman and we are very happy together. That we have stayed together through a 7 year court battle with my sadistic ex, and the resulting bankruptcy shows we are good together.

Again auschic I'm not saying your current partner is an issue. In my case I just couldn't see why I was looking at other women. Its as though something deep inside me was telling me to get out of the marriage. It did get out but in hindsight it was a massive leap of faith on my part and not recommended for everyone. I knew a bit about the other woman but way less than what I knew about my first wife. Some of my friends thought I was going insane when I told them I left my first wife for another woman. Others said they didn't know how i put up with her for so long.

Relationships are so complicated. As others have suggested you need professional advice to clarify your feelings.