I made a big mistake with my boyfriend

[TishaJade]

So I’ve been struggling with relationship paranoia and anxiety and depression for a little over 6 months or so. My partner has been wonderful with supporting me and making me feel better. Unfortunately we’ve had many arguments because of how emotional and sensitive and paranoid I am, many resulting in near-breakups. the last couple months I have felt a lot better in myself and our relationship seems to be going well. I know he loves me and I feel better and more relaxed. Im here because early January we went on a night out and we were drinking. We were having so much fun. I left to go to the bathroom and when I came back he had his pants down to “eagle rock” which I learned later is a football tradition. He has a goofy personality and this is the type of stuff he does... I saw red. I was furious. A lot of it is because of my anxiety. I didn’t understand why, and so it scared me. I was angry I told him he was an idiot and immature. We we’re staying in the hotel at the club. He walked off and left me in anger and I followed him back to the room. He was on the couch. In a chain of events it got heated again, he said “why was it so immature and bad?” I had a rush of rage, got up and said “think about it! You were the only one who pulled their pants down nobody else did because they’re not immature and stupid!” I hurt him. I didn’t think anything of it, I just got back in bed. my boyfriend was in shock. He couldn’t believe I did it. He said “when we get back home we’re ending it. I realised what I had done... I didn’t mean to do it, I was drunk and angry. I cried and begged for hours but he was adamant that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. He told me to get off him and leave him alone there’s nothing to talk about and that I should learn by this. I was devastated... I exhausted myself from crying and begging. eventually he told me he loved me and that he didn’t want to break up. He just wanted me to change my behaviour. But sometimes he still brings it up when we argue. I feel terrible and like he can’t fully forgive me. I am afraid he will still leave me because of it even though I’ve sincerely apologised and promised I would never act out of anger like that again. I do believe I am a good person... I just made a big mistake...

[Juliet_84]

Hi TishaJade,

Welcome to the forum, I’m so sorry that you are dealing with these constant feelings of paranoia and insecurity. Although you perhaps went about it the wrong way and your anger may have been disproportionate to the act, I can understand why you would have had an issue with it. I wouldn’t have loved to have gone to the bathroom only to come back and witness my boyfriends pants around his ankles, football tradition or otherwise. Do you know why this was such a big trigger for you? Have you had any reason to mistrust your partner in the past, or perhaps an ex-partner? I suppose I’m just trying to figure out where these feelings of insecurities have come from.

[TishaJade]

Hi Juliet,

Thanks for your reply. I do have a lot of relationship insecurity but it's from a past relationship. MY current boyfriend has made forgivable mistakes such as the whole "pants down" thing which we resolved and he knows that sort of behavior doesn't impress me. He has rectified a lot of problems i have within the relationship but i continue to be an insecure wreck. This particular time i acted out of rage, alcohol in my system and

[TishaJade]

Sorry accidentally pressed send...

The fact i am also on antidepressants which I shouldn't have mixed with alcohol AND i was on my period at the time lol

I know that most people wouldn't have liked their partner doing that... and my feelings are valid. And he understands that too. I just worry constantly what the next silly thing is... What am i going to find next? What he does is usually harmless but very immature.

[Juliet_84]

How long have you been in your relationship Tisha Jade? New relationships tend to bring out a lot of neuroses in people, the fear of being hurt, the not really knowing a person, the being so heavily invested that makes us feel out of control. And unfortunately we can act in ways that we wouldn’t normally. This can be hard to accept but if your relationship is meant to be it will be. You can worry all you like but it won’t change the outcome, if anything that behaviour will speed it up. But there is obviously a part of your personality that requires reassurance (and that’s ok) and if he can’t cope with it now (not all people can) then in reality he probably isn’t for you. I had a lot of insecurities at the start of my relationship and my partner helped me through them because he loved me and wanted to be with me. But I’ve been with other people who I knew wouldn’t have. Like you say, there were a culmination of things that perhaps contributed to your behaviour, but I think that you are just looking for reassurance. Try and relax into your relationship as best as you can, and I wish you all the best.

[TishaJade]

Honestly I have always been the kind of person who needs that reassurance a lot. I do think I can at times act out of sorts or overreact when something triggers me. I'm just anxious and have worries about the chance my boyfriend will leave me because of my problems. I can honestly say he has supported me and helped me along better than I could have asked. I think he becomes drained mentally from the reassurance and me constantly picking fights because of my own insecurities. We've been together a year. And there is no doubt that my boyfriend loves me and will do anything for me, he just expected better behavior and communication from me rather than outbursts and frustration. Which I can understand... it really does have a drag on a relationship after a while. There are things we expect from each other I suppose which is fair enough in a healthy relationship.

[Sophie_M]

We are letting you all know we're closing this and all TishaJade's other threads except for "Is it really as bad as I think?" in the Staying well section.
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/is-it-really-as-bad-as-i-think-...

Keeping to one thread makes it easier for members to keep up with TishaJade's story, and saves them from having to repeat information.