I hate my dad

[KA2007]

When I was younger, he used to hit me whenever I misbehaved. And I was quiet chubby when I was little so he would call me fat every day and even now when my body is a whole lot different I cry myself to sleep every day about my body. When I was younger, he and my mum had a fight about how there was too much food in the fridge. He grabbed food from inside the fridge and smashed it everywhere. He grabbed a book and smashed our tv. Now, that I'm older he doesn't hit me anymore. But every little thing I do he shames me for it. Whenever I try helping around the house he tells me that I'm not doing it properly and he calls me lazy and stupid and he says I lack common sense or knowledge. He says I'm dumb and that I'll never make it in the real world. He has this mindset that he's never wrong and that he's on top. That he's the most best person in the world and that he can make no mistakes. For the past year he and my mum have been fighting a lot. I was at a family gathering one day and I was sitting in a room with my cousin, my aunt, and my mum. My mum started crying saying that he told her he hates her and my aunt was comforting her. She told my aunt that he doesn't care for her anymore, forgets her birthday and their anniversary and he only expects her to cook and clean. I cried on the way home that night. For many months she was distant and when my dad left for a business trip I heard her crying in her room every night. Its not like my mum could leave him. My parents both Immigrated to Australia in 2005. She didn't have a job so she had to depend on my dad for work. And she still has to. If she left him she wouldn't have anything left because she can't work and we would all fall under my dads custody and she would have no one. I don't talk to him and he doesn't talk to me. Our relationship is non existent. That was until a few weeks ago when all of a sudden my parents weren't fighting anymore. They started watching tv shows together and they started cuddling up in bed and acting like nothing happened. Time and time again when things go wrong for him he blames my mum and its so clearly obvious that he's manipulating her. I don't even sit in the living room anymore. I can't stand him. And now he's claiming that he loves me and that he wants the best for me. Then where was he when I was younger? I recall him laying on the couch watching tv and beating me up when I misbehaved like any other child would.  

[tranzcrybe]

I feel you are particularly observant of everything that goes on around you - picking up on distress and tensions, and then carrying the weight of such pressures even though not of your making.
From that you have formed clear impressions of right and wrong, and identifying the culprit from astute observations and your own encounters.
However, it is curious how love manifests itself amidst disfunction and fallibility; and despite every reason to hate, somehow love finds a way to overcome the transitions of life - those which can test the most patient of couples.
Although none of father's behaviour was acceptable (and you suffered much indignation), it seems your parents' differences have found some compromise and made amends. Surely they have worked things out by talking it through.
Perhaps there are pieces of the puzzle still missing from which you may find enlightenment by engaging in some deeper discussion - expressing how hurt you felt and questioning father's conduct (respectfully, naturally, if you really want to understand and be understood in return). Use your powers of observation again to listen attentively and see if you don't still feel the same way.
As a more mature person yourself, you might just evaluate things on a different level to your childhood experiences as such memories presently appear to be proving an impediment to the relationship; and, more importantly, your enjoyment of life.

[HelloGail]

KA2007 I know by experience what it's like growing up with a Criticising parent/s. My best knowledge is that it is their weakness and lack of strength that they do this, put you down. You are obviously an intelligent person seeking help. My advice is to knuckle down anything that interests you eg music, guitar, piano or future career ideas and work on them so you can safely leave and be standing on your own feet. This is your future escape route and plan. Keep believing in yourself. Take care.

[KA2007]

Thank you 🙂 

HelloGail I've been busy these past couple of weeks but just knowing that someone has heard me makes me feel a whole lot better. I'm glad for the advice and I'm keeping my head up. I only hope that you are too. 

Take care! 

[KA2007]

Hi tranzcrybe 

Thanks for the advice 🙂 

Though my dad is way beyond sitting down and talking our feelings out. I think our relationship is past salvation and I think I've come to terms with that. We never really had a relationship to begin with. Just a few weeks ago my family were on a car trip. With me in the back seat, he started nit picking everything wrong with me to my mum. She defended me of course. In my cultural background, it is expected of a young girl to dress a certain way, act a certain way, and be a certain way. I'm expected to cook and clean for the male part of the family, which I inherently don't do. And I certainly don't act the way a girl should by the standards of my culture. My dad doesn't like that though. Right in front of me, he said hurtful things about the way I dress, the way I style my hair, made comments about my weight and my "unruly" behaviour. In that moment, I felt incredibly insecure and I started questioning things about myself such as who I am, and why I'm not better. Why I am the way I am. It was in that moment, I realised that my dad doesn't love me like he claims he does. He 'loves' me in the sense where he wants to have control over every aspect of my life. I can't even sleep over at a friends house. Once the realisation struck, I knew there was no saving our relationship. I just want to graduate, go to uni, get a degree, move out of state, and be glad that I never have to see his face again. 

I'm sorry I rambled, I just had a lot to say. Thank you for the advice though, I appreciate it. Take care! 🙂

[HelloGail]

😊Thank you. I am much better now that Christmas and New Year has passed, planning this Christmas 2023 to be at my sisters, closer to my other siblings. I don't want to be alone again at Christmas well sometimes it is inevitable. Keep truckin.