Husband says he doesn't love me

SydneyKat · ‎19-10-2016

Hi, I have been with my husband for 18years, the last 7 married, recently he told me he met someone else (he says he only emotional) and that I don't make him happy and he doesn't love me. I never foresaw any of this. Yes we have our ups and downs but I always thought we worked through them. I am willing to work on issues he identified (and I also raised some too afterwards) but he says he just wants to be alone , runaway live under a rock , he says he doesn't want to fix our relationship but I do. I have have anxiety and stress gets to me a lot so when things happen in life I do get in state and he sees some aspects of this (I have been hiding a lot of emotions from him) he doesn't see full picture of what's going on. Recently I have been going through depression (this incident and earlier this year with work changes) . Since he told me I have been working on myself, being more aware of what I say and do in order to improve issues he identified with me, but no changes in him. We enter yo counselling once and that was bad and now he won't go try a different one. I stated a mental health plan on my own. He had also spending more time with his mother which concerns me, feels like them against me. So in general I feel so sad, lonely, hopeless, angry at him, destined for being a single mum forever ( one child and I will be 40 soon and I feel without a chance for another child). I don't what to do , I have apologised and asked for forgiveness for when I have been snappy In the past (but he doesn't remember or think he has his bad points) but he won't forgive or open up it feels like he just blocks and says he doesn't love me and doesn't want to try but a few weeks ago he was willing to try (not sure what changed). He still lives in the same house and bedroom but he won't kiss or make love . I want to work on improving our relationship and am doing what I think I should but I don't think he even resides or cares. I don't know what to do I just cry a lot . I hope with time he opens his heart again and comes back to me (and our little family) again , futile and tears ...,

geoff · ‎19-10-2016

hello Kat, I'm sorry that this situation has happened, because it fully distress's you so you don't know what to do, unfortunately this can ocurr so many times.
He has said that he has met someone else, however this could just be an excuse to end the marriage, unless you actually know or believe what he is saying.
I say this because he says 'he wants to be alone and live under a rock' but I wonder whether he is suffering from depression himself and if so then the comments he has made are what depressed people have a tendency to say, so he may not want to end the marriage at all, but you won't know his true feelings until he has recovered, if he does have depression.
I am not qualified to make this diagnosis so a doctor needs to make this decision.
Normally going back to his mother would be his first decision, that's where he will feel safe, and I can hear you say 'he would be safe at home with me', true but he wants to leave so that he can think,and I'm not sure what relationship you have with her, only meaning that if it's good then his mother will be talking to him in a positive way, that's what I hope for.
It does seem as though he is in denial, because he doesn't want to get any help, plus he has rejected the fact that he has no problems which are contributing to how the situation is.
Your apology to him would help, however he is unsure of what will happen in the future and how the relationship will end up like, but you have a child and that's a serious connection.
I am pleased that you are on a mental health plan, which will give you some support, but this will only work if he himself is getting help, because you may learn from the psych will only benefit you, because he's still rejecting everything but to be alone.
This post has only started so I really hope that we can continue on. Geoff. x

SydneyKat · ‎19-10-2016

Thank you for your response 🙂

JessF · ‎19-10-2016

Hello Sydney, what a heartbreaking post to read. I can hear how you desperately want to keep this relationship together. One thing that really sticks out for me as a concern in your post though... I am reading a lot about the changes you are making, to change yourself to suit him and his needs. But what about yours? I read that you are willing to bend over backwards to make changes, whereas he seems unwilling to even make an appointment to see a counsellor. For this to work, it needs to be mutual. By all means, I would work on your own self-improvement and wellness, but make sure it is for YOU and not him. That way you can be the strongest you possibly can regardless of how this works out. Don't wait on tenterhooks for him, is my advice.

BunnyMuffin · ‎19-10-2016

Hi SydneyKat,

I can relate to your post. My partner of 10 years up and ended our relationship because he "no longer looked at me that way anymore". He didn't want to work on it, he just wanted out. I was absolutely gutted particularly because like you I had made a lot of sacrifices to be with him and to help him. I agree with JessF, now is your time to do things for yourself. I know it is easier said than done and it is something I struggle with myself but we just have to get out there and make ourselves happy. The only control we have is over ourselves and not other people and that's all we can do. I hope we can chat more because I feel we have a lot in common. BM xx

HermioneCasa · ‎19-10-2016

Hi SydneyKat, I am only young but I feel that I can sort of relate to your post. I hope you feel better soon and focus more on yourself. Just remember always here for you 🙂

Quiettall · ‎19-10-2016

Hello Hermione

I totally sympathise with you. I have had that same experience you have had a few times in my life with partners. The worst one was being told by my ex-wife thhat after 14 years of marriage, she wanted to branch out and set up her own business, and me to look after the kids while she moves out and sets up a new house, for me to support, while she builds herself a new life. After a torrid 18 months of haggling over her wanting more from me, disputing cusatody of the kids through the Court, she admitted during the final hearing that our son was not my son, it was the product of an affair she had had with my best friend back in year 4 of our relationship. This was doubly shattering to me.

However, that was 20+ years ago, and I truly believe you have to believe in the goodness of people, that not all people are the same, and that there are other people out there who will love and care for you. I believe from what you have said in your posts, that you still have a bright future, that you need to care for the little girl within, and spend time spoiling yourself to the point where you can redevelop that belief and beauty within.

Good luck and hope that you keep posting and gain positive vibes from the replies you get here

Cornstarch · ‎20-10-2016

I have a completely different perspective to the other posters.

SydneyKat, if you and I met up for coffee and I plonked down on a hipster lounge with a pensive sigh, asking for dating advice and said, "how do I make so and so love me?"

I'm suspicious you might give me a funny look.

How do you make someone love you?

It never worked for me in kindy with Rachel H&*@#$ and I'm pretty damn confident I still can't make someone love me. They just do, or they just don't.

As much as it feels like Corny is pouring vinegar over your gaping wounds, if he likes someone else he might just like someone else. Ouch!

If you were my sister, that's what I would say, I would have to be honest.

I couldn't stand watching my sister being with someone because they are afraid of being a single mother forever, tentative about breaking up finances, superannuation and assets, only to be miserable. We've been miserable enough, life is too short.

I don't want to get into the habit on a Depression Forum to pathologise all unhappiness as clinical depression. Your husband may just be unhappy. There may be lots of reasons for that. In the end he has to plug into health professionals and private supports to figure that out for himself, as do you.

At the end of the day you have disclosed 0.0005% of the issues in the relationship on this forum, so it's hard to comment with only knowing one persons side.

As everyone else said focus on your own health.

But that was my gut reaction.

SydneyKat · ‎20-10-2016

I really love him, both romantically and unconditionally. It's not just the prospect of all that comes with divorce and single life. Yes it's not possible to disclose everything on a forum, I admit to things I didn't do right in our relationship and now that I know what they are , I am working on it and we should work on it too. We both had love for each other and I don't believe that after 18 years of love that love just vanishes.

Cornstarch · ‎20-10-2016

At the end of the day it's only the couple that really knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Appearances are just that; appearances.

Maybe the other person he has met is just a distraction from the problems in the marriage, and you guys will figure it out in time and re-connect.