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Married with children... but want to leave my husband and finally be true to myself.

easypathishard
Community Member

I've identified as bi for a long time but I'm starting to wonder if I'm a lesbian or, at the very least, bi but more attracted to women. I've been with my husband for 10 years and we have two young children. Most people know I'm bi but I'm starting to accept that I don't think I will ever be happy in this marriage with my husband.

But I'm terrified to leave him and come out. Mostly because of the damage to my family. And to him. I love him so much but this just isn't the right place for me.

I think I've always known deep down but have been in denial for a long time. I'm more physically and emotionally attracted to women. The only way I can have satisfying sex is to pretend that I'm with a woman. I've been lying to myself for so long.

I don't have a job at the moment and my children are 3 months old and 2 years old. Where do I even begin to start this new part of my life? I'm so scared but I know that staying in this marriage any longer is a worse plan. I have never felt deeply connected to my husband. I love him but he is not connected to his feelings and is so logical and practical - he is wonderful but I need a feeling brain to connect with.

I'm also in love with my lesbian au pair but that's a whole other story. She is going back to her home country in a few weeks and has a girlfriend so, regardless of her reciprocal attraction, that whole situation is messy and not going to go anywhere. I know deep down I invited her here so that I could make myself finally face the truth, one way or another. She has been by my side for the last 5 months and has been a great guide through this messy process.

I should also mention I have a history of anxiety and depression (including PND) and suicidality and although this new understanding of my sexuality is unnerving and frequently makes me wish I was dead, I also feel like I'm more alive than I have been in a long time. I know I need to live for my children but I'm also trying to live for the life I deserve.

I deserve to be happy. And I keep trying to remind myself that if either of my children were in this situation, I would hope they would have the support and confidence to leave an unhappy marriage that will never go in the direction they need.

Okay, enough rambling. Please share your thoughts with me. I feel so alone and lost in all of this. And awful. I wish I had had the guts to follow the right path for me earlier in this life. I chose the 'easy' path but the easy path is hard.

8 Replies 8

Starwolf
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Easypathishard and welcome to the community.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concerns. Reading through your post makes it obvious that you know what must be done. What you are facing is the difficulty and heartbreak of actually going through it. It is a scary transition...stepping into the unknown always is. But new beginnings are also exciting, particularly when we know that we are aimed in the right direction.

You are right, living a lie is no viable option. Please do not beat yourself for waiting so long...trying to fit in is a natural instinct. The need to belong to an accepted majority is particularly strong when we are young and still haven't found our feet as adult individuals. This can take a lifetime...

Then there's of course the concern of how it is going to affect those around us. Perhaps not everyone will react in a positive, supportive manner but this is out of your hands, not your responsibility. All you can do is put your feelings across with love. The fact that you are concerned about them shows your loving care and understanding. I hope love for your husband can later transcend itself into friendship. Staying in this relationship would mean living a lie for him too. A challenging situation but one that can be managed. You can do this, you deserve to be yourself and appreciated precisely for who you are.

With time to adjust, being true to yourself may well contribute to healing some of the anxiety and depression. Inconsistency between what we know should be right and what we're actually doing is a major stressor.

Staying safe throughout is a priority. If suicidal thoughts come to haunt you, please do not hesitate to call the 24/7 helpline (1300 22 4636). It is there to help those who need it over a rough patch. There are times when we just need to talk with someone who cares and understands. No need to struggle alone.

I suggest you scroll down to the bottom of this page and check the LGBTI section in "Who does it affect ?". Navigating the Gender issues and Sexuality section of the forums will make you feel less alone. A great place to connect or vent your feelings.

We're here for you.

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

I think you need professional relationship counselling on thus to let your husband down slowly and to give him the care, softness that he needs. This will also, hopefully give him the opportunity to understand that, he isn't to blame. It isn't any inadequacy in his part.

It is no good going through life with regrets. You are a good mum and partner but you are you.

Be proud of who you are. And do all you can to keep a friendship with your husband.

Tony WK

easypathishard
Community Member

Thank you for your replies. I am so grateful for this forum.

I have spent the last few days talking to all my supports, and letting my truth unfold.

I came out to my husband last night. I told him I want a separation. He is still processing everything. This process is so hard but I feel like this is the most clarity I have ever experienced. The future looks messy but truthful. I look forward to the ongoing support from this group. Thank you in advance.

Well done EPIH, you are one brave lady !

Odd isn't it how the most difficult part of making a decision is actually the agonizing that goes on before it happens ? It is a relief to know you are already embracing the freedom to be yourself. I hope your husband can find the inner strength to set off on his own journey. I am sure he has your support in this.

Please rest assured that you have that of this community, whenever you need it. A big, difficult transition but your strength and courage will help see you through it.

Happy trails.

Thank you. I don't feel very brave though. My husband is being beyond supportive and I find myself second guessing myself every day. I don't know if I'm being ruled by fear or not. I am just full of doubt. I wish none of this was happening. I wish I could be happy. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin.

Hi Easypathishard,

Transitions (stepping into the unknown) are always scary, feeling doubtful is to be expected. Have you considered counseling to help ease you over this uncertainty ?

A great way to clarify your thoughts to yourself is to write them down. It's amazing what flows onto the paper... Journaling, making pros and cons lists or just giving thoughts, feelings and concerns a free run will all help.

Having your husband's support is invaluable. You are lucky to have this friendship in your life...no matter what.

Change, may it be our choice or not, always shakes up our world and puts many things into a different perspective. Soul searching can be unsettling but -like all cleaning sessions- it is always beneficial in the end.

Kindest thoughts.

Hi and welcome EPTH;

Wow...you're so insightful and self aware! You began panicked and in need of finding your voice, as well as probably answering your own questions; we often do this without knowing. lol

You're now acting on your own behalf within two weeks of posting! What a legend!

I'm happy for you; I really am. I came out as bi a couple of months ago with the support of this forum too. Little by little I'm growing and learning to be me; the authentic one.

I can see within your words the confidence and resilience needed to move through your steps. Please be gentle on yourself ok? This process can be up and down, but perseverance and a steady pace will help.

I'm behind you all the way along with Star (above) who has given invaluable support and counsel; she's a legend too!

I'll keep an eye out on your progress; I hope you'll keep us up-to-date on your journey.

Kind thoughts...Dizzy (Hugs)

Sorry! I didn't acknowledge Tony WK for his contribution. Bugga'

All good...keep up the good work all...Dizzy xo