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What is the female definition of "Intimacy"

Community Member

Hi all,

This is my first ever post so I hope it helps.

Can any females (preferably) or anyone tell me what intimacy actually means and why it is so different after marriage?

My wife and I have been married for 6 years and our sex life is all but gone. I must appreciate that having two children over the past 3-4 years has affected her and me. However, now we are on the other side, I still have a high sex drive and she has nothing. If it does happen, it's awkward and she can't climax because there's always an excuse (I'm too sore or I've got lots on my mind). It builds to massive arguments where she says she needs more "intimacy." I contribute at work, at home and with the kids. I help her have breaks where I can. But there is always an excuse why I haven't given her the "intimacy" she needs to have sex.

Im not cold hearted and I'm not an emotional expert. But there's always a problem with her having and enjoying sex. It was never like this before marriage and now all of a sudden this high level of intimacy is needed to maintain, what I think, is a fundamental part of a marriage and something that promotes connection between us.

What are your thoughts?

10 Replies 10

Community Member

I am a female and I'm 26 years old. My perception of intimacy is that of anything sexual; touching, hugging, kissing, having sex, fore play, all of that. She might be needing you to just touch her more in general. I like it when I'm held or simplify when my partner has his hand resting on me. It's nice to feel human contact especially off someone that you love.

Personally i find it very hard to climax during the sex. When my partner goes down on me that is when I normally do. Have you tried things to try spice up your sex life? Does she enjoy foreplay?

Hope this helps

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi there Cant Think Of A Name,

Welcome to Beyondblue and thanks for trusting us to share your thoughts with.

I just thought to add that for the female brain, intimacy usually requires antecedents of emotional validation (feeling emotionally close, listening, laughing, etc) before the sex. Men are more activity-focussed. Intimacy is achieved among men by doing things together, less through deep and meaningfuls, although these can occur in the process! Women like to analyse more, they like to communicate their feelings. Men, even if inclined to, are conditioned not to show, share or discuss feelings for fear of being labelled a sissy which threatens the key concept of manhood. But women, like men, love feeling understood. Have you ever noticed that if you have a girlfriend who just does stuff with you and spends time with you it feels really good? Well, women like to feel like the man in their life cares about how they emotionally experience the world enough to listen and support them. This feeling of emotional bonding is like a drug to most women (well, actually it is a drug, as it stimulates a hormone called oxytocin in the brain).

Hope that helps! Give it a try. It's too hard to say without knowing all the details of your relationship what other factors may be influencing her in pulling away, but that's a basic '101' on sex differences in intimacy.


Hi there

You've asked an impossible question. It all depends on your relationship prior to marriage and children as well. There's many variables (such as affairs, relationship comfort, money worries, someone not pulling their weight around the home, lack of leadership, mental instability, something really BAD you did years ago) the list just goes on and on. And why are you asking women in particular? Your issue may be that she has lost attraction to you. The environment you are creating when you aren't getting sex definitely isn't helping. You need to take action and stop talking to her about it.

My advice, for what it's worth, is something that won't hurt you and will only make you a better person even if it doesn't work:

1) Google Athol Kay

2) Read his first 2 books - The Primer and The Mindful Attraction Plan

3) Join his forum and do a triage - they will help guide you from there.

Ultimately - like everyone says.....you can only control yourself blah blah blah.....so if you make some positive changes (like get fit and lose some weight if you've gotten fat and lazy) and maybe things will get more positive elsewhere.

Also, if you're trying too hard - i.e.: "I'm doing all these noice things for my wife and still getting no sex" then think about reading Robert Glover's "No More Mr Nice Guy"

You can download all this stuff on your phone if you need to. Just don't tell your wife what your doing - this is really important. And stop carrying on to her about sex. Trust me...it doesn't help

P.S> Don't listen to namby pamby. You're a man. Continue to do man things. Women like men. Yes oxytocin provides relationship comfort - however you need the dopamine for her to be attracted to you and want to have sex with you. That's the drug you want, not oxytocin

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Ahem, if the 'namby pamby' is being directed at my comments, I will rebut. If it is directed to the content of my post I do find that offensive, Apollo Black. There is no need to derogate someone else's input just because you do not share their view.

The topic asked about understanding women in general on the topic of intimacy. Hence I have answered, in good faith, about women in general. Some men do not understand about women's need for emotional connection, just as some women do not understand men's need for closeness. If a woman was asking about how to validate and satisfy a man, I would advise from that perspective.

I also disagree that you must hide things from your wife such as material you read to inform yourself on improving the relationship, as recommended in the above post. If you want to work on your relationship together, communication is going to be important to you both understanding what the other wants from the relationship. Couples counselling may also be an option for you both if you are having trouble connecting.


Hi Lazy. Don't you mean denigrate? No I wouldn't do that either. If I were to do that I'd respond to your comments such as "I hope this helps" and "give it a try" with "what exactly?"

In regards to not discussing your reading material to partner, I can't see how this is a problem. You see, much like what he's doing right now, discussion has got him nowhere and I dare say wasting his money right now on counselling that will likely make his situation worse will help either. I fully endorse counselling in the right settings, but from personal experience it can compound the problem when one can address some peronal development issues in the first instance to make significant improvements to the relationship.

All I suggested is that the OP try self improvement. It will only make him a better man. If that doesn't work, the problem wasn't with him.

Anyway, it's good to have different opinions so I wouldn't be too cut up about it if I were you

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Your posts leave me feeling awful and yuk. I'm here to try to support someone who has asked a question, not to ARGUE. Good bye.

Lazy, my original post was in no way directed at you and I'm sorry if you felt that way. And it was never my intention to make you feel awful. My only interest was in directing the OP to another way of looking at his issue, considering it's a very common problem. You are always entitled to your opinion and I wouldn't take that away from you. Peace be with you

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Oooh, so there are a couple of posts from what some people might consider the typical gender response (from both extremes of the spectrum). For those who think in pack analogies: I am not an alpha-male, but nor am I an omega. If anything, I am a beta. Thus, my viewpoint on what is intimacy is fairly different to that which has been put forth thus far.

Where sex may be a common result of intimacy, it is not a compulsory aspect. Intimacy is to have an extreme close connection with another. This may be on the spiritual, emotional, psychological, physical and/or any combination thereof. And not everyone interprets these they same way. So instead of trying to coax her into doing what you have always done, why not ask her to teach you how she now wants/needs intimacy.

Question: do you still date your wife? If not, I strongly recommend that you do. Back when you were dating, before you got married, you wanted to learn more about each other, their likes and dislikes, looked forward to that kiss at the end of the evening, and anything more was bonus. Those were the days that we really felt alive. Wouldn't it be nice feel like that again and again?


Community Member

Thanks to everyone.

The finer details of our complicated back story and current situation is too long to get out here.

As a result of your advice on attraction chemicals and what females need to feel it. I found my way to Athol Kay and The Married Man Sex Life Primer. I have hardly stopped reading. It'a given me a lot of what I think to be answers.

As the result of my post natal depression after our first child and some family decisions I've allowed to go unchecked since getting married. My wife has become the dominant partner and I no longer display my once Alpha male self. I am fit, strong and healthy but am naturally Beta orientated. Therefore the Alpha traits I did possess have been lost in my willingness to overly please my wife during very difficult times with our difficult first child.

This combined with my constant request for sex (I see now would look like desperation) has left her bored and not attracted to me (or however you want to put it).

I am in no way responsible for all of our problems, but I have some things to work on and some things to bring back into my life to gain some control back.