Husband says he doesn't love me

SydneyKat · ‎19-10-2016

Hi, I have been with my husband for 18years, the last 7 married, recently he told me he met someone else (he says he only emotional) and that I don't make him happy and he doesn't love me. I never foresaw any of this. Yes we have our ups and downs but I always thought we worked through them. I am willing to work on issues he identified (and I also raised some too afterwards) but he says he just wants to be alone , runaway live under a rock , he says he doesn't want to fix our relationship but I do. I have have anxiety and stress gets to me a lot so when things happen in life I do get in state and he sees some aspects of this (I have been hiding a lot of emotions from him) he doesn't see full picture of what's going on. Recently I have been going through depression (this incident and earlier this year with work changes) . Since he told me I have been working on myself, being more aware of what I say and do in order to improve issues he identified with me, but no changes in him. We enter yo counselling once and that was bad and now he won't go try a different one. I stated a mental health plan on my own. He had also spending more time with his mother which concerns me, feels like them against me. So in general I feel so sad, lonely, hopeless, angry at him, destined for being a single mum forever ( one child and I will be 40 soon and I feel without a chance for another child). I don't what to do , I have apologised and asked for forgiveness for when I have been snappy In the past (but he doesn't remember or think he has his bad points) but he won't forgive or open up it feels like he just blocks and says he doesn't love me and doesn't want to try but a few weeks ago he was willing to try (not sure what changed). He still lives in the same house and bedroom but he won't kiss or make love . I want to work on improving our relationship and am doing what I think I should but I don't think he even resides or cares. I don't know what to do I just cry a lot . I hope with time he opens his heart again and comes back to me (and our little family) again , futile and tears ...,

SydneyKat · ‎20-10-2016

He says because of our marriage issues he has been unhappy and that made him not be in love with me. Then when a woman at work conversed with him and over several weeks this caused some sort of connection and a possibility for 'the other' and I guess it also gave him a confidence boost and new and more attention. My hope is that if all the issues out of marriage go away then all that remains is the love. Naïve I know but I have to hold onto hope because the alternative hurts me too much.

Cornstarch · ‎20-10-2016

18 years is a really long time. You're lives are completely intertwined.

Emotions will run high on both sides no matter what the feelings are in the end. I'm sure if he saw you with someone else that would hurt too, even if he has said he doesn't love you anymore. All the memories are still in there.

I guess what I meant is that it is not outside the realm of possibility that people can fall in love with other people. My sister has been with her husband for +21 years (I know!), but if he came home and told her that he no longer loved her, and he's met someone else, how can you really argue with that? I mean there's no come-back.

She'd be inconsolable and we' be back in bunks but she couldn't make him love her. In the long term I'd be really worried about her mental health if she stayed because she would analyse, scrutinise and pick herself apart.

But once the stormy emotions subsided, I know my sis, and how hard our life has been, and the events that have shaped us; she'd just want him to be happy. She truly would. A happy Dad would optimise the chances of healthy, happy kids.

Great in theory ain't it.

How about you both go see a shrink. Like a Betty Draper type shrink. One with on of those long chaise lounges in maroon velvet. Shrinks are so judgey though.

SydneyKat · ‎20-10-2016

I understand what you are saying, but I don't want to accept it. It's not what I believe in and it's too much pain. When we got married we were together for 12 years before that, so it's not as if we rushed into marriage. Every relationship has ups and downs and we need to work on them or give it time. So for me it's frustrating and sad. yes sure someone else might take our interest or be fresh infatuating etc, but we need to leave it at that , there is no true 'the one' but there are many 'ones' out there but we make a choice to be with just one when getting married otherwise shouldnt get married. true love is romantic as well as unconditional love (of course if there is abuse etc then this doesn't apply). I guess I am old fashioned and don't want to accept alternatives because I don't believe that way and also it's too painful, I have been in tears daily for weeks, my eyes sting so much. So all I hang onto is hope that it will work, now what I do is try and focus on me and us on a day to day basis.

Quiettall · ‎20-10-2016

Hi there

I really ache for you. I have been in exactly the same situation where my ex-wife met me at work after 17 years of marriage, took me out to lunch to announce she did not love me and wanted to move out.

On the other side of the coin, recently I have not expressed love top my current wife for some weeks. I have not had the right feelings and have said to her I only tell her I love her when I really mean it. After reading your posts and replies, it made me so guilty for being a selfish sod, I walked into the room where she was watching tv, grabbed her and kissed her and told her I loved her....she acted shocked.

The reason I have not felt love, is because I have been feeling very confused because of attention given to me by others....not physical but more positive direct encouraging attention, rather than attention from someone who has been a partner for long time...if you know what I mean.

I guess, in a roundabout way, I am saying maybe you need to be a bit more assertive about yourself, your importance and need to recreate your own identity and interests, and by doing so, he might be surprised that you can live and grow and have a different spark that he might be re-attracted to. If he doesnt react positively, at least you are starting the process of rebuilding and healing early

Good luck and hope it works for you

SydneyKat · ‎21-10-2016

Thanks. The nice parts in your post made me smile. I think a key from all msgs has been to not neglect myself and get more interest, I will try .I bet that kiss made her day 🙂