Husband of 18 years has left

[ceb76]

Hi I’m really struggling at the moment aster my husband of 18 years dropped a few bombshells on me about 7 weeks ago. We have gone backwards and forwards for 7 weeks and he has seen a psychologist and has told me he has some major childhood trauma to work through. He wants to separate while he does this and has left our house, split our finances and does not want contact from me for a couple

of weeks. He says he is hopeful of working things out but needs some space. I am gutted as at first he told me of a few issues in the marriage I had no idea about and when I pointed out that issues he has were there before we got married he took that on board. But still he has said some horrible things to me and now tells me it isn’t in fact about me… it’s about him and he needs to work out those issues away from me. I feel totally rejected and excised from his life and cannot eat sleep or work. My legs and arms tingle I am obsessing over what he is doing I am worried about my future. I am worried about him. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Sorry to hear the news. From what I've read I'm concerned about him "splitting finances". That appears more a permanent jesture more than anything else in terms of "working through his issues". For that reason and his decision not to talk things through I'm obviously leaning towards the likelihood he wont return.

I've had 4 long term relationships including 2 marriages all over 7 years long, 2 kids. I've learned a lot about the process of the grief of separation. It goes like this- shock, grief, acceptance, improve confidence and rebound your life. These processes can take time and individually some more than others. There is little anyone can do but to be on the sidelines watching, talking and caring, the process will take as long as it takes.

To help this process to develop you can throw yourself into distracting activities like hobbies, clubs, friends and some might even consider dating as a mending idea. 

Being "obsessed" with what he is doing is an indication you are still in shock mode. This is understandable after 18 years but it is also an indication you need solid independent support by way of counselling so chat with your GP about this. I have done this and the advice and support was pivotal to me recovery.

Building up your confidence is another process and this is something I tried to do with much success. Please google "beyondblue topic the best praise you'll ever get"

Feel free to reply or repost questions. We are here for you.

TonyWK

[Learn to Fly]

Hi ceb76,

Thank you for your post and I appreciate your willingness to share your story with us. 

It sounds like this is a fairly new thing and it seems like you are struggling to cope with everything that's been thrown your way. Tony has made a good point of describing this as living in a state of shock. Disbelief, feeling hurt, rejected, and suddenly cut off. I understand he gave you his reasons but they still don't seem to be enough to explain his behaviour, aren't they? You have every right to feel this way, and more. Having 18 years of marriage under your belt and being left with a vague explanation of the reasons for a sudden separation - this is a lot to take on and no wonder you seem to feel overwhelmed. 
Being unable to eat, sleep, or work, experiencing a tingling sensation in your legs and arms, and also obsessing over things your husband may or may not be doing - this is all to be expected after such revelations. It would be hard to stay "cool" after receiving such unexpected and deeply hurtful news. 
This is going to be hard, as you say that you can't stop wondering about what he's doing, but how would you feel about trying to shift your focus to your own things? I know this is easier said than done. But. You are not gaining anything by stressing over him. Start with little things that you think might help you unwind: taking a hot bath, listening to your favourite music, preparing a good meal for yourself, going for a walk in natural environment, watching your fav show on TV. These are only my suggestions but you know yourself best, so would be the best judge of what might help you to break these obsessive thoughts. At first, you might only get a break for a few minutes. Afterward, the intrusive thoughts might come back with even greater force. This is to be expected. Nevertheless, you are going to have this short break to start with and you can build up from there. 

[ceb76]

Thankyou. This is good advice and I am seeing my GP and a psychologist. He has told me the issues are to do with a traumatic event which he can’t tell me about yet and doesn’t know when he can. He appears to be very depressed and not himself. But I have decided to put those guilt bags I have been carrying for 7 weeks down and let him do his thing with his psychologist. Until then I am going to work on getting myself stable and strong for the next steps. I am so blessed to have the best friends in the world one of who I have been staying with and who has come to spend a few days with me. I am so lucky to have good friends, good GP and a lovely daughter. But I really miss him…I’m 55

and he is 50. We  should be past this in our lives, we were about to be financially secure and then….. whammy. This. 

[ceb76]

Thanks Tony,  appreciate your advice. While the dating is tempting for a confidence boost I think I might give that a miss for now. Or ever. This is the second long term relationship I have had that has gone this way. I think I’m done. Might be time to develop one with myself. 😉