How do I learn to forgive my brother's betrayal during mum's cancer treatment

[David35]

Several years ago, mum got bladder cancer. She ultimately survived but the journey for the next few years was incredibly stressful. I live with mum, so I'm a carer somewhat too. During this time, my elder brother and his wife virtually stopped talking to us. He used to ring every week, then it was every few months. His wife stopped talking altogether. Throughout this period I suffered several mental breakdowns as a result of the ongoing stress with no support, bearing in mind my dad had died of cancer in 2016. At times, I was even mocked and made fun of for struggling to cope, such was the lack of empathy for me. I eventually got counseling with several counsellors and charities to help get me better.

But the general consensus was that I had developed a panic disorder and mild PTSD as a result of the relentless stress I was under to both look after mum's physical and mental health all by myself. As such there is now a massive gulf in the relationship between my brother and mum and I. He never once bothered to ask how I was doing and his wife has never once asked how mum was going. At the height of mum's treatment he was more concerned about what financial handouts he could get from mum rather than supporting either of us. His response to all of this was that "I have my own family."

So my question is, given that he is trying to make amends, and given that he won't accept any criticisms we make of him, how does anyone forgive someone for this behaviour? We no longer see his kids (maybe once a year if we're lucky), no longer get any updates, pictures, news, etc. It's like we are problems not people. The last few years have been so stressful, not just because of mum's cancer treatment, but the amount of stress they have incoporated into both our lives because we both had the expectations that he would be there for us, and he simply turned his back on us. How does someone cope with this?

[Croix]

Dear David35~

Yes it is a lonely feeling when one you love turns out to be so self centered there was no room for anyone else. I felt the same about my parents.

It is true one has expectations, however I'm not sure that is such a bad thing, if there were no expectation how could there be any trust and closeness? It does not mean those expectations will always be met, however if htey are reasonable in the first place - which yours have been - then the fault lies with the other person and one has to simply alter one's expectations for that person.

I ended up with no expectations of love from my parents, just  that they would always be self-centered and basically toxic - all due to their conduct.  From then on it did not make me feel great, but it was easier.

I still have expectations of others, and  by and large they have been justified.

You have you mum and she has you,

Croix

[therising]

Hi David

Certain behaviours can definitely wear really thin after a while, especially after years. I think this is why it can be important to find what forgiveness means to us, as individuals. No dictionary or textbook definition for everyone to follow, just what works for us. Sometimes it's hard to forgive when forgiving means moving forward by giving the kind of release that means we let go of someone in our life. While there can be some relief in that, there can also be some grief in finally letting them go.

While I'd always imagined that forgiveness involved some loving peaceful feeling, I came to realise sometimes it simply means accepting 'You be you and I'll be me and never the twain shall meet and that's okay, I now accept that. Now, I let you go'. This emotional detachment type of forgiveness (a severing of emotional ties) can be important for some, as it's resentment that maintains the connection, a connection that can be full of pain and anger. In letting go, it's we who find self love and peace within our self. It can be much easier to love our self when we are someone who is not full of resentment, pain and anger.

Such an incredibly challenging time for you and your mum as you both look for ways to let go of what brings you such pain. I've found a period of deep reflection often precedes significant change. Deep reflection can involve reflecting on how things have added up over time, something that eventually comes to light in what can feel like dark times. Enlightenment is rarely ever straight forward.

[David35]

Thanks Croix.

[David35]

It's hard when someone you looked up to as a kid has turned out to be a shallow, spiritually empty person who doesn't really care about anyone except himself. Often tough times bring out the best in people, or in his case, the worst. I read this saying. Someone asked God why He lead him through troubled waters (tough times). God answered that it's because your enemies can't swim.

[therising]

Hi David

It's such a shame your brother has been reformed or reshaped into someone you no longer recognise. Other people, life experiences, changes in beliefs and priorities can do that to a person, reform them. As you've grown more open hearted, more open minded and more open in many other ways, it sounds like this is something that has led you to a different vantage point. A different vantage point or perspective is a sign that the pedestal no longer exists. While I'd put my big brother on one of those pedestals when I was young, I tend to meet him on level ground these days, where the occasional battle plays out. Big brothers can definitely be challenging people, that's for sure. They can even be heartbreaking and angering on occasion.

[David35]

Mum says I've just seen through him and his shallow values and that despite the age difference I'm the more mature one. My brother still thinks that spending $20k on upgrading our car is the way through our depression experienced as a result of mum's cancer treatment and his abandonment of us. If only life were that simple.
There's always been a resentment of him towards me, but it was moreso since dad died and I was given the responsibility of handling the finances (mum's super). Even though we're making decisions which will ultimately benefit him too, the jealousy that he's not in charge has blinded him to having a relationship with his potential inheritance, instead of with us as people. And that's what mum and I feel is incredibly sad.

[David35]

My resentment grew so deep today that I decided to write him a letter to let him know how we feel. I'll either be abused, ignored or thanked. Somehow I feel better regardless. Although I think he'll just ignore it.

[therising]

Hi David

I'm glad you feel better having got that off your chest. I think sometimes it can be easier to put things into words through writing than it can be through speech. Firstly, you don't forget to cover significant elements of what you want to say and secondly, there are no interruptions while expressing yourself. While the letter is an opportunity for your brother to become more conscious, he'll either choose to follow that prompt or he won't. He might need to sit with it a while first. Hard truths can take a while to process sometimes. Above all else, again I'm glad it proved therapeutic for you. Better out than in. That kind of stuff can eat away at us as long as it stays in, churning around.

[David35]

I thought to myself, "What have I got to lose?" I don't see him, the kids or his wife, except maybe once a year. He barely rings and even when he does he's not interested in listening to any personal issues I have. It's all about him. But more importantly, these thoughts have been buzzing around in my head for over two years now. I was starting to feel angry, resentful, spiteful. This has at least given him an opportunity to apologise, although I don't think he will. Watching her almost every morning crying her eyes has been hard. At least I've told him in that I can see straight through his emotional abandonment of us and that we're sick of it. At least I've tried to stand up for mum. You're right. To mention it to him verbally just gets me abused or yelled at.

[Croix]

Dear David35~

To be emotionally abused as you have been for so long is bound to have an effect, not anger and resentment but probably also a feeling you are not as capable of dealing with  it as you might like and just relying on hpe.

So I think the letter was a good idea, while I might be surprised if it makes significant long-term difference to your brother it lets you know you will not be pushed around - an excellent thing for your own well-being and esteem.

We'd be very interested to know how it turns out

Croix