How do I learn to forgive my brother's betrayal during mum's cancer treatment

[David35]

Several years ago, mum got bladder cancer. She ultimately survived but the journey for the next few years was incredibly stressful. I live with mum, so I'm a carer somewhat too. During this time, my elder brother and his wife virtually stopped talking to us. He used to ring every week, then it was every few months. His wife stopped talking altogether. Throughout this period I suffered several mental breakdowns as a result of the ongoing stress with no support, bearing in mind my dad had died of cancer in 2016. At times, I was even mocked and made fun of for struggling to cope, such was the lack of empathy for me. I eventually got counseling with several counsellors and charities to help get me better.

But the general consensus was that I had developed a panic disorder and mild PTSD as a result of the relentless stress I was under to both look after mum's physical and mental health all by myself. As such there is now a massive gulf in the relationship between my brother and mum and I. He never once bothered to ask how I was doing and his wife has never once asked how mum was going. At the height of mum's treatment he was more concerned about what financial handouts he could get from mum rather than supporting either of us. His response to all of this was that "I have my own family."

So my question is, given that he is trying to make amends, and given that he won't accept any criticisms we make of him, how does anyone forgive someone for this behaviour? We no longer see his kids (maybe once a year if we're lucky), no longer get any updates, pictures, news, etc. It's like we are problems not people. The last few years have been so stressful, not just because of mum's cancer treatment, but the amount of stress they have incoporated into both our lives because we both had the expectations that he would be there for us, and he simply turned his back on us. How does someone cope with this?

[Croix]

Dear David~

You are undoubtedly right in your assessment, and I'm sorry for the effect this must have on you each time you meet.

You also mention how heartbreaking this is for you mother who sees her son as a grasping person, devoid of love

You also said she has not been well in the past. Is it possible to shield her in some way?Maybe not telling her of every visit, so her minds is not constantly so upset?

A final question -after one of his visits or takng to him what do you do to blunt the force of his poison and protect yourself?

Croix

[David35]

Well he rings now and then, usually every few months. He only visits for mums birthday or boxing day, as in last year. He just causes so much stress and division between mum and I. The jealousy has blinded him to the fact that we're family and decent human beings.

that's a good question. The truth is I struggle. I regret ever speaking to him, because he is so devoid of any personal qualities. I then spend the next few days trying to digest his toxic ramblings, which then causes more stress. Mum literally feels guilty for still being alive because we both accept that he would like his inheritance now. Join the dots... And ive been blamed for my mental health issues because mum isnt in a nursing home yet. So we've both agreed to minimise any phone calls. We never ring anymore and we'll most likely be cutting off birthday presents because his 3 teenage kids never thank us. Several months ago he joked about not wanting me to end up in a psych ward. He's a sadistic narcissist who literally enjoys other people suffering in life. We all know as a cop, he has a stressful job, but we can no longer feel sorry for him any longer or try to help him. All I can do is hope and pray he changes. But as long as he keeps trying to use material solutions to his spiritual problems, buying stuff all the time, I know he'll never succeed. It's sad, but I'm told it occurs in lots of families once one parent dies. What is sad though is my mum is the kindest most generous person you would meet, real people person, and they could have been financially helped more if they just loved and respected her. But they chose not to. They chose to love her money instead. And thats why he hates mum so much. Because she's preventing him from getting what he wants now. It's gone way beyond sick.

[David35]

And we've removed him from the power of attorney altogether so that as long as mum lives, he can never put her in a nursing home against her will. She trust me, but not him. We have bothered telling him, because several years ago he couldn't be bothered signing his POA until a year later. Now it's void anyway.

[Croix]

Dear David~

That was a wise move. I"m not sure what yuo can do to leech the toxicity out of your system after contact. Minimizing contact is good and so is not making excuses, I was a cop until invalided out of the force and always valued people and relationships, not money.

Can you think of any set routine you can uses each time you wish to get over his visit or call? Anything at all -from comedy to standing in nature and appreciating the world.

Croix

[David35]

Sorry to hear. PTSD? So his "poor me" routine about being a police officer is just that? An excuse. He has job security, gets paid well but never stops whinging about it. I have a woodworking hobby which gives me an outlet for my anxiety and any other mental distress. I make just small furniture items (benches, stools, side tables) for friends, neighbours and the occasional op-shop. Being in nature helps but it's only temporary.

[Croix]

Dear David~

I can't judge what your brothers experience's have been, there are too many factors. To be fair perhaps his attitude is at least partly symptomatic. Yes I have PTSD, pus a couple of other problems, however they are out of sight better than they were.

In my own case I did not want ot mention anything to anybody, much less complain, however everyone is different.

I think woodworking is an excellent outlet requiring planning, skill and ending up with somthing you can point to with satisfaction. I used to woodwork too, bookcases and other items, my only regret now is I made them all functional with no embellishment.

If I were able now I'd make things wiht decorative elements, and the decorations I could not make myself I'd buy. On an upright for a book case rather than just getting the screws to line up neatly, I should have covered them with a decorative oak (or pine) molding.

Croix

[Guest_9989]

I'm really sorry you’ve had to go through all this. It’s incredibly painful when family members don’t support you during tough times, and it sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot of weight on your own.

Here’s a few thoughts on how to cope:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s okay to feel hurt and betrayed. Your feelings are valid, and it’s important to process them rather than push them aside.

2. Set Boundaries: If your brother’s attempts to make amends don’t address the core issues or if he’s not open to hearing your perspective, it’s okay to set boundaries. Protecting your mental health is crucial.

3. Seek Support: Continue with counseling or support groups if they help you. They can provide you with tools to handle these relationships and work through your feelings.

4. Focus on Healing: Prioritize your own well-being and your mother’s. Surround yourself with supportive people and activities that help you heal.

5. Decide What’s Best for You: It’s up to you to decide how much of a role you want your brother and his family to play in your life. Sometimes, stepping back from relationships that cause more pain can be a way to protect your own mental health.

Forgiving someone who hasn’t been there for you is a personal choice and doesn’t mean you have to forget or accept their behavior. It’s more about finding peace for yourself. Focus on what helps you move forward and take care of yourself.

[David35]

Croix,

In the tradie world, it's called "covering up your sins"! I mainly do it for therapy; i don't earn a living from it. No one wants to pay you enough money for it anyway. Thanks for sharing your insight.

[David35]

Guest9989,

That's a very profound list. I'm a christian, so my conflict is about forgiving people who never apologise for their behaviour, even when you point it out to them. Either way, I can't forget how he's treated us and I never want to tolerate it again. It's like a bucket. It fills up with positive, but then my brother comes along and drills a hole in the bottom and all the goodness leaks out of me again. Time after time after time. Nothing every changes. All I can do is plug it back up again and prevent him from coming anywhere near my emotions, thoughts, beliefs and choices in life (ie everything in the bucket). Mum and I have been in an emotional car-wreck and it will take time to recover from the psychological scars he has inflicted upon us.
Mum set boundaries using lawyers to change her will and power of attorney. The "verbal vomit" that poured out of his heart was beyond belief and just reiterated the fact that once a bully, always a bully. They simply cannot handle someone standing up to them. After dad died, he thought he could walk all over us. But he was wrong. He has mistaken our kindness for weakness. And his hate-filled verbal tirades just confirm what I've suspected. After dad died, he only ever loved mum for her financial handouts. But how can you love someone when you don't even love yourself...Thanks for your help.