How do I learn to forgive my brother's betrayal during mum's cancer treatment

[David35]

Several years ago, mum got bladder cancer. She ultimately survived but the journey for the next few years was incredibly stressful. I live with mum, so I'm a carer somewhat too. During this time, my elder brother and his wife virtually stopped talking to us. He used to ring every week, then it was every few months. His wife stopped talking altogether. Throughout this period I suffered several mental breakdowns as a result of the ongoing stress with no support, bearing in mind my dad had died of cancer in 2016. At times, I was even mocked and made fun of for struggling to cope, such was the lack of empathy for me. I eventually got counseling with several counsellors and charities to help get me better.

But the general consensus was that I had developed a panic disorder and mild PTSD as a result of the relentless stress I was under to both look after mum's physical and mental health all by myself. As such there is now a massive gulf in the relationship between my brother and mum and I. He never once bothered to ask how I was doing and his wife has never once asked how mum was going. At the height of mum's treatment he was more concerned about what financial handouts he could get from mum rather than supporting either of us. His response to all of this was that "I have my own family."

So my question is, given that he is trying to make amends, and given that he won't accept any criticisms we make of him, how does anyone forgive someone for this behaviour? We no longer see his kids (maybe once a year if we're lucky), no longer get any updates, pictures, news, etc. It's like we are problems not people. The last few years have been so stressful, not just because of mum's cancer treatment, but the amount of stress they have incoporated into both our lives because we both had the expectations that he would be there for us, and he simply turned his back on us. How does someone cope with this?

[David35]

It's the trust that has been broken. Something mum still struggles to understand with me. Although mum and I are open to him reconnecting with him, we both have to be careful not to be hurt again. Because his moods can flip-flop, from being nasty to kind and listening. It's hard to know how much to share. I've shared things in the past with my brother and been bitten in the butt later on. The more people know about you, they more they can hurt you. So I've decided to keep some things close to my chest.

I'll give you an example. Several years ago mum let it slip that I'd saved some money whilst being on Centrelink. I know, how dare I not spend it on alcohol and other frivolous activities that don't benefit me into the future. So then came the jealousy, particularly from his wife and the ignorance. I had to "hide" this money in case Centrelink found out. Every bank is linked via tax file number, back to the ATO, then to Centrelink. Anyway, after 1/2 hour I gave up and left to get dinner. The next day I checked what the rules were. I could have up to $480k savings if I didn't own a home before my pension would be affected, that's $480,000. So the pair of them didn't know what they were talking about. My point is that I no longer share any financial info with them, not because they were clueless, but because of the profound jealousy that I was capable of living within my means. Even though they are family, I've made a conscious decision to never talk finances with my brother. Knowing what they are takes time though.

[Croix]

Dear David35~

You are quite right, you can't trust your brother or your SIL as it looks like anything that involves money will make them either jealous and put you down or try to find some way to get it for themselves.

It is a very sad thing to realise someone who should love and care for you in fact values money more.

Actually I rather admire the fact you and your mum were able to make some savings, a very wise move even if it does mean forgoing other things.

There was someone very close in my family who over the years I found would remember everything I said and later on twist it round to hurt me. -a toxic personality. There was no way I could confide anything wiht that person as they had broken trust umpteen times and there was nothing left to say.

I've found sometimes you simply have to let go of a person and treat them almost like a rather dangerous stranger. I hope your mum can see thngs as clearly as you do

Croix

[therising]

You have well and truly gifted me an enormous revelation and I am so deeply grateful to you David. It's about trust. While I may have been somewhat conscious of this in the past, you've suddenly led me to become fully conscious of it. You've also led me to consider a number of other relationships in my life that involve trust issues. This revelation has opened up a bit of a Pandora's box. It's a good thing though because it also includes the faith and trust we need to have in our self. 'Trust' is an interesting topic indeed, with it being a thread that runs through our life and relationships. Sometimes the thread is strong and sometimes not so strong.

[David35]

Croix,

Despite only seeing my brother once or twice a year lately, we both decided that we wanted him to love us, not his inheritance. It would benefit us, because then we knew we were loved and also him, because I don't think financial solutions would fix his own personal problems anyway, despite him thinking otherwise. So hopefully this choice he made to see us, which wasn't an obligation, can help to heal old wounds, because it shows mum and I he cares about us.

[David35]

I used to use this analogy with mum. The trust has been broken, which is like a rope bridge across this chasm. On each side is each of us; my brother on one side, mum and myself on the other. The bridge between us was the trust we once had. But over time with financial manipulations, neglect, etc. the bridge deteriorated to such an extent that mum cut off all financial help. That was the only language they seemed to talk... But over time he seems to have been throwing one of those ropes back over the chasm to help build it again. We haven't cut it and put a flame to it, because it has involved just simple genuine concern. We've just tied it down and waited for the next few to keep coming. I'm not throwing any more ropes across, we've both had them cut in the past. But the more he keeps rebuilding that bridge, the more we'll let him into our hearts again, the more we trust him. It's up to him to rebuild that trust (the bridge) not me. I'm not walking half way across only to have him burn it at the other end and me fall into the chasm. It's hard enough trying to get out the first time when he made fun of my mental breakdowns during mum's cancer treatment. But slowly over time, hopefully, he'll build a few steps until one day we'll be able to meet in the middle.

Another analogy I use is this concept of a ledger (two columns). Actions vs Words to judge the sincerity of someone. So one side of the ledger has a list of the person's nice things they say (they'll say they're going to help, give some advice, etc.). On the other side are actions. For example, inviting you out for a cofffee, offering to help, etc. Basically words are cheap, but actions speak louder than words. Some people will have the words column full, but no actions to back it up. My brother dropping in Monday showed that he did care, because he actually did something out of the blue, to show us he cared. Words on a card on the other hand to me are sometimes meaningless. To me, it's when the ledger doesn't balance, that you can't always trust people.

[Croix]

Dear David35~

I realy do like your analogies, particularly the one about the rope bridge. Not throwing a rope back but letting him build it himself is so exactly how it should be.

I can only hope for your sake, and that of your mum, that it is genuine and signifies a desire for closeness, rather than as a reaction to a quarrel with your SIL or something to do wiht money.

I realy would like to know how you get on - if you felt like saying

Croix

[David35]

Well months on and nothing has changed. He rings once a month and pretends that  everything is OK. But it's not. I've tried praying, I've tried to forgive. But how do you forgive someone when they have no remorse for how they've treated you. It's ripped our hearts out and messed with our heads. Even if mum changes her will, which she is contemplating, only some explanation as to why they both turned their backs on us when mum got cancer and I suffered several mental breakdowns will make things right.

[therising]

Hi David

I can hear the hurt and upset in your words, which is completely understandable. I think if he'd be honest with you about why he and his family have made the choices they've made, you may not necessarily relate but at least you'd have some relief in knowing.

With there being so many emotions behind forgiveness, I think this is what can make forgiveness so challenging. Sometimes, the more emotions the harder it can be to forgive because it can involve having to work through them all. And then there can be some form of resentment, for having to do all this hard work, when the other person doesn't appear to struggle with any work at all. So, add a sense of injustice to the list of emotions.

When it comes to forgiveness, I tend to struggle as well. I'm inclined to rely on the sage in me or whatever it is that dictates to me 'The only way to forgive is for you to move forward through giving that person some form of release. What form of release will you give them?'. Constructive disappointment is something I've found that has come to work well for me over time. While I could feel disappointment over and over and over again, for years in some cases, the release is marked by the final disappointment. Kind of like 'That was the last time I appoint you the role of he/she who will _____. I finally take this role away from you. It was never yours to begin with, I gave it to you (in the hope that you'd fill it)'. While there can some sense of relief in that final disappointment, there can also be a deep sense of sadness too, a sense of grief and a loss of hope to work through. It can be so hard to move through the sadness and come out the other side of it. With that 'loss of hope', it's not necessarily a bad thing. Where we choose to invest our hope can become more about practicality than anything else. With 'the final disappointment' factor, it becomes about 'Okay, I no longer appoint you any of these roles. I move forward by completely releasing you from them'. With this in mind, the questions become 'Who is willing or happy to fill them, these roles?' and 'Who is going to bring me so much hope to the point of me feeling it as inspiration?'. As long as we're left thinking 'But he/she should take responsibility' or 'He/she should care more, they're my child/partner/friend/co-worker/psychologist' etc etc, the disappointment continues through expectations that may never be met. Of course, it can be so much easier to speak of forgiveness than it can be to achieve and even master it.

[David35]

That's very insightful, profound almost. It's one of the things I've been discussing with my pscyhologist. How it's not the act itself (not talking to us, not supporting us, not allowing mum and I to be a part of their kids' lives), but the expectation that they would act a certain way. That's not to say that out expectations are unrealistic, but as long as I keep hoping he'll change, I'll be continually disappointed when he never does. After dad died, which is coming up 8 years in a few days, coincidentally the same day mum is changing her will, I expected him to fill the void somewhat. I thought I could lean on him. But what happened is that when I went to sit down on him, he crumbled. All his words, cliches, catch-phrases just crumbled into nothing. His actions didn't equate to his words. He didn't just turn his back on us, but shut his family off from every giving us any joy again, via the love of his 3 beautiful children.
I've mistakenly looked up to him over the years. The problem with that is there was always a sense of seeking his approval. Not anymore. Because through dad's death and mum's cancer battle, he's been nothing but a disappointment. His answer is to everything is to simply buy something, which is probably why they're always in debt. But the things I want; knowing that if mum dies he'd be there for me, can't be bought. The loyalty that he admired in my father simply isn't there. He's a fraud and a knocker. It's hard to accept, especially for mum, who has been denied the role of being a grandmother the last 3 years. I never thought two people, him and his self-centred wife, could be so cruel as to emotionally blackmail us with the love of their family, simply because we didn't continue to finance their lifestyle. Because he wanted his inheritance now. But I was wrong. At the height of my nervous breakdown, he was manipulating me to use my power of attorney to put her in a nursing home and joking to have his mortgage paid off. I don't know how to forgive someone when they never repent. But I think the sooner I realise that I can't trust him, that he's a narcissist, just like his wife, the sooner I can have a free mind again.

[David35]

It all adds up. The guilt-tripping about his mortgage, the jokes about retiring early, the undermining of anything finance-related to mum. The constant digs about the house mum and I live in, which he thought we'd downsize to free up some cash for him. It's quite a lonely feeling when you realise one of your closest relatives (brother) doesn't really care about you at all, and just sees you as an obstacle to getting what he wants out of mum. Thanks.