Help with my current situation with my wife who suffers from depression

[Camilo]

I dont want to make this post too long, but I am a bit lost and want some other people here that might guide or help if possible. I met my wife during covid, long distance relationship, she finally had her visa approved in Jan 24 and came here. She has depression, which I already knew, however, when I visited her a couple of times before and we met we had a sort of regular couple's life, with intimacy and whatnot.

However, ever since she is been here we have no intimacy, and living together of course is different, there is also no affection from her. She says is because she wasnt feeling as sad as how she feels here, which makes me feel horrible cause I think is my fault.

She also said intimacy with me is not pleasurable, which according to her is nothing personal, is just that she doesnt feel desire at all. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt but what she said was very hurtful. Besides, she says I do not understand her nor she feels she can talk to me cause I have a very cold approach to what she says. I understand that, and I told her is just the way I am, is not that I dont care but also in this case sometimes I dont want to say or do the wrong thing, cause it has happened, so I have decided to listen and just not say anything if I dont think is going to be for good.

I have never experienced living with or having a relationship with someone with depression, and of course the lack of intimacy has been an issue for me, but I have tried to accomodate. She says if we reset everything and sort of begin as friends while she takes care of herself maybe things will develop naturally. I am not sure what to do, I dont know if she is being honest, depressed or not, or she is just buying time until she gets PR. I have read and know that depression does cause a lot of things, but I am just not sure how to handle the situation. I feel I am also being affected by my overthinking a lot of stuff that probably isnt there and I need help.

She has gone to therapy but stopped due to financial issues, I have persuaded her to go back, since I could see it was helping, but I dont want to push her too much, so I desperately need guidance in what can I do to improve as a husband, and also remain in good mental health in the process because its a bit too much sometimes.

I just want to know if someone has been in the same boat, and know of a good online or offline support group for people like me. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Camilo, 

Thank you for sharing what has been going on for you. We’re so sorry to hear about your wife but we can hear you’re a really caring partner by sharing your concerns that come from a loving and supportive place, but it’s also a difficult and scary time.  

I’m sure we’ll hear from our amazing community soon, but in the meantime, we wanted to share a couple of pages with you in case they interest you: 

• When someone you care about won’t seek support 

• 10 ways to be there for someone 

It's also important to look after your own boundaries, and your own wellbeing. If you’d like any more ideas or information on this, feel free to have a look at our pages on looking after yourself while supporting someone.  

The Beyond Blue counsellors are here for you if you’d like to talk this through on 1300 22 4636, or via online chat. It is so important that you look after yourself during these times and they can help you or your wife, or just be there if you want to talk. You could also speak to Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277, their website features some great advice including on how to communicate effectively as it can sometimes be difficult to share what's on your mind when the other person is dealing with depression.

Please know if you’re ever concerned about her safety it’s important to know that you can call 000 as this is an emergency. 

Thanks again for sharing here. We really appreciate your kindness and openness in sharing here on the forums, we are always here to listen.

Kind regards,  

Sophie M 

[therising]

Hi Camilo

I feel for you and your wife so much, given the challenges you both face. It sounds like there are a collection of challenges, some obvious and perhaps some not so obvious. I'm not sure how challenging it would be to find out from her whether she's relying on the marriage solely for permanent residency, which is one issue, or whether the challenge exists to try and work through what's depressing for you both as a married couple (a whole other issue).

With the second, I've found there can be a whole variety of reasons for emotional challenges that can come to exist in a relationship. For your wife, I can't help but wonder whether

• She's a deeply feeling person, who feels everything (including feeling a depressing lack of things)
• She's left behind certain things that brought her some sense of joy, maybe friends. So now, without her friends, she's feeling a significant lack of joy
• She feels a sense of disconnection based on you not being able to fully relate or connect to her emotions, contributing to a sense of loneliness
• She perhaps feels your words, the same way you can feel her words. Given what you mention, her choice of words is understandably painful for you
• With strong attraction contributing to intimacy, attraction comes in many different forms which can lead to intimacy. As a gal who's been married to the same guy for over 20 years, I'd have to say that I feel most strongly attracted/connected to my husband when he puts in a lot of effort with our kids or when he does or says something else that speaks to my soul (aka 'romance'). He's really not the romantic type, yet I've challenged him in the past to work on developing the romantic in him. It's there, he's just never felt the need to exercise it/bring it to life, which can have depressing side effects in our relationship. Btw, while I acknowledge how we feel through chemistry in a relationship (oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin etc), from a purely natural perspective, a relationship is either soulful in a variety of ways, soul destroying or it has no feeling at all either way. Romance (soulful stuff) can be anything from hiring a convertible and going for a drive up the hills with the top down through to throwing on some slow tunes and gently dancing around the lounge room. It means different things to different people but the common theme is it always contains emotion (energy in motion within our self) that can be felt, while being shared with another. From my own experience, I can say it offers a difference or a break from what can feel depressing. It's something to experience and look forward to

With a history of depression, I imagine there are more factors that contribute to how your wife's feeling life. As far as the relationship goes, the question could be 'Could meeting certain challenges in the marriage help raise her through and maybe even out of depression?'. Could addressing what's lacking involve a level of consciousness found in relationship counseling, for example. While I went to marriage counseling on my own some years back (my husband didn't want to go), I learned so much about what is a healthy and unhealthy relationship. I learned a lot about myself too. One of the best things I ever did.

[Camilo]

Hello. Thank you so much for your reply, some of the points you mention I can relate to. 

• She's a deeply feeling person, who feels everything (including feeling a depressing lack of things) She was a very caring and loving person, she had bad relationships, and the final breakdown that led to depression and then she changed and closed up completely. However, she feels everything and it is quite emotional and she says it is very hard for her to just do day to day activities everything is overwhelming and any strong emotions affect her deeply, good or bad.
• She's left behind certain things that brought her some sense of joy, maybe friends. So now, without her friends, she's feeling a significant lack of joy. She has told me that she just cant find joy in anything, nothing excites her, she feels nothing, her words. I have tried to encourage to do something she likes, she likes painting for example, and it works for about a week or so and then nothing. She blames the lack of intimacy to the fact that she just doesnt feel aroused, as I understand it, so she feels no joy in having intercourse. She came from another country where she was just starting to establish herself and I know re adapting, meeting new people, etc is hard, and has been hard. However, we were waiting for this for a long time and she was prepared, or so I thought, to come as soon as we had an answer, with all that it implies, but apparently it didnt work out as such. She claims she is sadder now that what she was before, when I met her twice abroad, and that has led to the lack of interest in intimacy. We had intimacy before, just about the right amount I would say, but as soon as she got here, it disappeared. 
• She feels a sense of disconnection based on you not being able to fully relate or connect to her emotions, contributing to a sense of loneliness. This is one I struggle with, she claims I dont really understand her, or say the right things, but the thing is I dont know what to say, and I am conscious that I will never understand the way she feels, since I have never felt that way. I think she blames me for not being able to feel like she does, and I do not think thats fair, since I cant possibly know what it feels. I try to listen and digest, I empathise with her and her situation, I have read books, I know how hard it is, and I try to do my best to let her know everything will be alright in the end, but it doesnt seem to work, and it makes me feel guilty and useless. I know that is one of the reasons she might not want to talk to me about her feelings or thoughts, she thinks I just dont get it so what is the point. And I can relate to that, however, I think I am being blamed and crucified for not knowing something that is out of my scope and of my experience. This is the first time I have to deal with something like this and I dont know what to do.

I appreciate your ideas, we do get along quite well on a day to day basis, besides our fights usually for intimacy or other stuff that sometimes is not really that important, and some part of me feels that she is here for me and for the right reasons, but her lack of communication, sometimes the way she acts, or the fact that she doesnt seem to care much about how I feel or think sometimes makes me doubt that, and it is driving me crazy if I am honest.

I am thinking about doing some therapy, maybe not couples, but just find someone to talk to, or I would like to join an online group or something to be able to talk about this things.

Thanks for your input!!

[therising]

Hi Camilo

Finding someone who can relate to how you feel and/or someone who can help you with the challenges you're experiencing sounds like a good idea. Hard to face a first time challenge on our own without some form of support and guidance.

It's true, it's hard for someone to relate to depression if they've never been there themself or if they've never experienced a level of depression someone else is facing. While a whole variety of different things can take us into a depression, some of the feelings and challenges can be similar. A lot of the self questioning can be similar. 'What's wrong with me?', 'Why do I feel the way I do?', 'How can I get out of this (depresssion)?' and so on. From my own experience with depression, there can definitely be a feeling of resentment, especially toward someone close, 'Why can't/won't you save me?!'. With the benefit of hindsight, I'd say it's not about saving, it's more about the kind of guidance that's gong to make a difference.

Never in a million years was my husband going to guide me toward the kind of stuff that's come to make a huge difference in my life in regard to managing certain aspects of depression and I can't say that I blame him. It's just not his cup of tea. It's 'a lot of woo woo sh**'😁, as some like to call it. Not sure whether this is your wife's cup of tea but if you lead her to something like 'What it means to be an empath (someone who feels other people's feelings)' she might be pleasantly surprised. Of course, psychology won't cover this kind of stuff, which explains why it's not considered. Psychology may call the following 'emotional disregulation': When someone's emotions are constantly shifting from one extreme to another on a regular basis. Under certain circumstances, a different take on that could be: When someone can feel emotions in others and is emotionally shifted through other people's feelings. It can be a massive challenge to live with someone like this. For example, you could be having a great time together, really feeling a connection, and then suddenly you could say 'The footy's on. I really want to watch this match'. BAMMM!!! While you can feel the joy of having had a great time leading onto the joy of watching the football, an empath will feel the connection severed by something that equates to an emotional machete. They'll feel your overwhelming sudden disconnection. It's not your fault they can feel that. An empath is someone who may need to be prepared for the disconnection at a certain time or eased out of the connection, perhaps directed toward 'them time' (if they don't like watching the football with you). Another consideration, 'What does it mean to be sentient?' which explains the ability to feel. I should add, while I appreciate certain elements of psychology, biology and chemistry that can go toward explaining and managing depression, another outside the square view more so points to abilities that can create problems. So much nicer to imagine we have abilities rather than a whole stack of faults that need fixing. While someone else's cup of tea may offer them some refreshment, we don't have to indulge, just appreciate how it serves them.