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Heart broken - just want to heal

_Jay_24
Community Member

Today I accepted my partner's choice to give up on us. We tried over the last 12 months and many similar breakup scenarios in the past but today I really have to let this go. And while I know things may be better in the long run, I should breathe and learn from this event, it still hurts so much. 

I don't know what to do with this pain. I don't have family and my friends are her friends as well and I am not really someone who opens up so I don't have close friends. 

My partner sort of fulfilled my needs for others so it didn't matter and now I feel isolated (my own doing) and I feel at a loss. I am trying to be strong and I know this is not unique to me and millions of people go through break up every day. I have no one to talk through this and I simply cannot sleep. To realise that I was not enough for the person I loved unconditionally is breaking my heart. 

10 Replies 10

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

 

This grief will last for several weeks or longer. Keeping busy is one method that really does work. For me on my 1st marriage split I built a house myself. That and 12 hour shift work I didnt have time to extend the grief.

 

Hobbies, sports, attending footy matches, joining clubs anything to distract yourself.

 

You are good enough, if you werent for her then, you will be for someone else. Absolutely.

 

Some threads I wrote on this topic might help-

 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/relationship-split/td-p/359242

 

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/getting-over-a-broken-relationshi...

 

https://www.relationshipsvictoria.org.au/news/break-ups-and-your-brain-10-tips-to-help-with-heartbre...

 

Repost anytime

 

TonyWK

sbella02
Community Champion
Community Champion

Jay24,

 

As somebody who has been going through the aftermath of heartbreak for nearly eight months now, my heart goes out to you. Trying to rebuild yourself after being somewhat isolated throughout a relationship is also one of the tough parts of a breakup. 

 

Two things I'd keep in mind here. One, just because it's a universal experience, it doesn't mean it isn't super debilitating. Two, I would try not to tell yourself that you weren't enough for your partner. I'll use the analogy of a house key. Sometimes, as much as we try to open the front door with the key we think is the right one, we may just simply have the wrong key, even if it feels like it fits for a while. 

 

There are definitely a few things you can do in the earlier days to make yourself feel a little bit less alone and perhaps more like yourself again. If you have any hobbies or interests that bring you joy, these are always good means of maintaining a sense of wellbeing and identity. Going on walks, exercising, they're also great for wellbeing and putting you in a better headspace. Allow yourself to cry if you need to, it'll help you to express that built up emotion. If you need to vent, journaling is another great way of expressing your feelings and perhaps working through what you might be going through and how you can help yourself feel better. We're also here to listen if you need to vent as well.

 

I hope this can resonate with you. I can relate to what you're feeling, and I know, it's not fun going through a breakup. It's such a unique type of pain and it's one that can be difficult to recover from. Make sure you're taking good care of yourself and being kind to your mind during this time. 

 

All the best, SB

Thank you SB for your words. As someone who has never talked about their own problems with others (other than my partner) it seems odd and I am finding words from strangers so very comforting. Even though your response made me burst into tears it felt comforting. Normally I am so very resilient and able to just spring back. This is so unfamiliar and painful and I feel I have no coping skills for this as I have never felt like this before. 

It is reassuring to hear that this too shall pass. I just hope I can make it out to the other side without too many scars. 

Thank you again SB. 

Thank you Tony

The articles are a good resource to keep in mind during this time. I wish I had the skills to build a house lol. I will try my best to stay busy. Lacking in motivation to do anything is something I MUST get over. 

Motivation, sometimes you have to wait for when your mind is ready. 

 

Sitting at the bus stop of motivation doesn't mean you're ready to board that bus....

 

TonyWK 

Too true. Been in this relationship for 10 years. She was my best friend for 6 years before that. So the loss is a bit thick as I do not have any other person to open up to properly. Doing this solo. Not knowing what I did wrong is a killer and watching our dog waiting for her by the door on the nights she is staying with her friends is gut-wrenching. 

Everyone says it will be ok in a few months, every story and article writes this but I don't think I can make it. This grief is so very overwhelming and it is so unfair. 

Jay, that grief takes me back to one week before my 11 year first marriage split, the grief wasnt due to her and I at that time but that our 7 and 4yo daughters will wake up without their full time dad. My father deceased at tthe time a few years earlier said 
"better the best part time dad than no dad at all", that saved me.

 

So I'd like to pledge to you that THIS WILL PASS and you will find happiness, please believe me. I concur about your dog showing grief also, we love our mini foxies and can only imagine.

 

So, they say "life is what you make it". Then allow for this period of grief to run its course but try to mix it up a little at a time, when you are ready and you can feel yourself getting emotional, stand up, take that dog for another walk and time it so your favoured TV show is starting when you return. i.e. delay the emotional event until you can avoid it.

 

Visit your GP. We tend not to. Please do so. I'm 68yo with 10 years being here and knowledge is high but I still attend when I'm really down, prevention better than cure they say, each time he provides me with a snippet of information. Last time he approved 10 free visits (we can all get) that has had me attend 3 so far to a psychologist with my wife. In the last session he strongly suggested a high functioning Asperger's element, we read a book and it described all of me. 

 

So a multi pronged approach can be the best. Avoidance - slowly build that up, release your emotions but... get back into physical actions straight after. Bounce back.

 

Then there's humour. A comedy?

Or a motivational speech?

Or writing, anything, just jot it down.

Or helping those less fortunate.

It's all tactical diversion.

 

THE BLACK WIDOW

 

The male black widow spider

Tried all his life

He tried to tickle the hairy legs

Of his larger black widow wife

 

Suddenly he had a win

Something at last to gloat

She began to laugh aloud

As his leg slid down her throat

 

Poor male black widow

Was always to get into strife

All because he couldn’t understand

………….his larger black widow wife…

 

Chat away, anytime

 

TonyWK

Thank you TonyWK,

the timing of your Black Widow poem couldn't be more apt right at this time. I only just finished writing in some pieces of paper and what I wrote was pretty much reflected in that poem. I wrote how I didn't understand that we were not matched and I was apologising to her for this with all my heart. I kept trying because I did not know how to quit love and I didn't see how it was hurting her who was not getting what she needed from me. and neither was I but instead of calling it quits I just kept trying and making her want to keep trying and feeling hurt when she was not reciprocating - not understanding that she was done. 

I did not see how I was hurting her so I was apologising to her on paper and stopped writing when I couldn't see the writing anymore through the tears in my eyes. 

On a more pragmatic note, I tried to find some volunteering places today only to find that the council is not taking any applications! I will keep looking to find something worthwhile to do. 

I have been watching Ricky Gervais's stand-up comedy on Netflix, as that has me LOL. I am 47 and it is common knowledge that after 40 it is extremely hard to make meaningful friendships. I am awkward in social places at the best of times so don't see myself going out and making friends. But I will try everything else. 

I feel like this now then night comes along and everything falls apart. I feel my stomach going into knots as it gets closer to bedtime. And then the torture starts and sleep is nowhere to rescue me. I hadn't realised GPs have anything to do with heartache unless it is of a physical nature. I don't have a dedicated one but I will go to one and see what they say. 

Thank you so much. For complete strangers, you and SB have provided me with more support than I could have imagined. 

I'm so glad. 

 

Please google -

 

Youtube prem rawat maharaji all is well

Youtube prem rawat maharaji sunset

Youtube prem rawat maharaji appreciate.

 

TonyWK