Fiance wants to leave

[JR333]

Hi all, I am new here and need help.

My fiancé and I have been together for
7 years, since we were teenagers in high school. We moved out of home together to
a completely new town 3 years ago, we worked hard for everything together and
were heading for both of our dreams. We always told each other we wanted to
marry and have kids. My partner had a very hard childhood, she was severely
sick for 2 years which led to the breakdown of her family, her dad suffering
from borderline personality, attempting suicide twice, her sister also
attempting suicide, her mother caused her nothing but hurt and pain. My family
became her family, and have done more for her in the past seven years, than her
family has ever done for her. My fiancé was diagnosed with depression and
anxiety 6 months ago. She started medication and speaking to a counsellor - for
a couple of sessions and then stopped. In hindsight, I didn't take it as
seriously as I should have because I didn't understand what it was. A couple
months passed, my partner seemed to be getting better. She seemed happier and
we were getting along very well. We had a few bumps along the way but that's
normal. Until 4 weeks ago, there was a minor disagreement and I pushed her a
bit too hard - which I now know was not the right thing to do. But that was it,
she told me she doesn't know what she wants anymore, she’s not in love with me,
she doesn't want kids or to get married and that we are on different paths
now. She's sick of having to worry about how I feel and that she only wants to
worry and care about herself. She wanted a break, so she went back to our
hometown for a week and after some back and forth, she decided that if i am
willing to fight so hard, maybe she isn't making the right decision. So over
the past 3 weeks, I took more control, she started on new medication, she has
just started to go to a new psychologist. I have done everything for her to be
supportive and get her better. But last night, she tells we’re done, that she
is sick of trying, it's over, she’s not in love anymore and that we are on
different paths now. I am so hurt by this as I know it's not what my 'real' fiancé
would want and feel as if it is the depression talking. Nothing I say gets
through to her, she has made up her mind. I'm not sure what to do, has anyone
else gone through this and have any advice. I love her way too much to let it
be thrown all away just because of this sickness. I feel like it doesn't have
to be this way...

Thanks

[Pennywise]

Hi JR333.

I really feel for you and the position youre in with your depressed partner as i went through something similar myself.

There is no way to really tell if her decision to end things is the depression talking or the "real" her.When my partner was deep in his depression he did the same thing. We had arguments and issues and one night he just said he was done and wasnt in love with me anymore. Depression is a cruel disease. It distorts everything they think and feel and most of the time the people that love them the most get the brunt of it. After three days of not talking and living in separate rooms he broke down and told me he thought it was his only way out and that he did want to be with me. Although this was a breakthrough for him cos he is stubborn in thinking he should be able to deal with it himself, it doesnt alleviate the pain he caused. After he went away for five weeks and we each had a bit of breathing space he came back to me.

I tell you this cos the biggest and most hardest i learnt in my alone time is that you cant support someone when youre struggling yourself and you have to learn to look after yourself first. This took a good two months. Although it was hard it allowed my partner to focus on himself (even though it took a few back and forths to get there).

I know you prob cant think of anything worse but maybe you guys could take some time apart until things settle. Try talking to a psychologist yourself. It really can help and know that what they are feeling doesnt have anything to do with you!!

Do alot of reading and feel free to get back in touch with us here. Im still working through it with my partner but try not to look into the future and take one day at a time. Youll only overwhelm yourself.

Stay strong. Hope my advice helps.

[Fairywings]

hello there and welcome. I'm so sorry you guys r going thru this right now. Depression is a monster one that will distort every positive thought one may have, the way ur partner is talking and behaving that is the mental illness talking. I'm so sorry she has had such a hard childhood, I did too 😞 I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I also suffer from bipolar, depression, and BPD. They are monsters that will continue to play with our minds until we take control and become self aware in being able to manage them. They will no longer have the control over us because we have become stronger within ourselves to fight these monsters in our head and they will eventually become weaker. With regular help from her therapist she can begin to have a quality of life again. I don't know where i would be if i wasn't medicated and i have been for the last 16yrs. Our illnesses are going to with us for life they aren't going to go away we just need to become stronger than them and learn how to manage them. In the meantime while you are trying to look after her you really need to look after yourself get outside get some fresh air embrace nature it does wonders for the soul and encourage ur partner to come with you it would be so good for her too. i hope this has helped in some way we are all here for you so please feel free to stay in touch. I hope you guys can overcome this and remember take one day at a time xx Venessa

[JR333]

Thanks for your replies.

I am finding it extremely difficult to accept what this sickness has done to our relationship. I have tried my very hardest over the past couple of days, to work out why and also get an answer that makes sense as to why she has to leave me to find herself. I am yet to tell my family about it because it hurts too much to think that 6 weeks ago, even with her depression, she still wanted everything we had and now she is saying she doesn't want any of that and that nothing has happened to make her feel that way. I feel like it is my fault, that if I took it seriously when she was diagnosed, we wouldn't be facing what we are about to. I am struggling to understand what she wants, she tells me she has doubted her decision over the past couple of days, but it is still what she wants. She has told me that she still wants to stay close friends after everything because she doesn't want to lose me, which doesn't make any sense because she is the one pushing me away. Everything she is saying is so contradicting and extremely confusing. She denies that the way she feels has anything to do with her illness.

I guess I can't control what she does or keep her in the relationship, but it just isn't fair that I have no say in whats happening. Her entire life so far has been always changing, never a regular routine and now that we have been in one for a couple of years, I feel like she is self-imploding to disrupt it and there is nothing I can do. I haven't spoken to anyone yet about it, I feel like I am going crazy myself.. that I just need to vent.

If it what she really wants but, I just hope that she doesn't spiral out off control as I have been the one there for her since she was 14. I hope that she doesn't stop taking medication and speaking to someone about it. I care about her too much for that to happen, but now I have no control over her or her health. I have read through a lot of forums and books like you suggested to try and understand it, but am still where I started not knowing what the best course of action is: do I give her space and leave her alone to do her own thing and just hope she might realises and come back(but then how long do I wait, do I try to move on or what do I do with myself) or do I keep doing what I have been, which is remind her about why she loves me, what made us happy, what our dreams were and so on?

Thanks for you help and sorry to ramble on, there are much bigger problems in the world than my heartache..

[Fairywings]

Hey thanks for responding. Never feel there are bigger problems than urs bc to you this is a big problem and ur struggling with this xx and that's ok to reachout id be worried if u didn't. Sometimes we don't understand what is happening around us and we need help to understand. The behavior traits ur fiancé is experiencing is all related to her illness and it will make her behave in ways ur mind will not cease to make sense of that's bc it distorts any sense of reality and makes what is really going on inside her harder to see. In her own way she is reaching out but her perceptions of how to r distorted. Never blame urself you should be so proud of yourself to having stuck by her her whole life she is lucky to have you and i know by her pushing you away is heartbreaking and devestating to watch a loved one slip away. She said she needs time away give her that i know it's not would u would like for her but only they can figure themselves out they need time to find themselves again and yes this does take a little time to do. I am happy that she is acknowledges the fact that she doesn't want to lose you so I would stay close enough to her as you can and remind her that she doesn't have to face these monsters on her own and yes so remind her of your happy times together yet be respectful of her wanting space xx i hope this has been helpful in some way please keep posting as we r all here to help u guys get thru this xx and i think its just as important for you to vent and let all this out so if u feel the need to reach out to family then do so. Venessa

[Pennywise]

Hi again JR.

I can understand why your world be so confusing right now. I really feel your pain in trying to find answers and reassurance. Unfortunately at this moment youre probably not going to find any cos the oerson who needs to answer them is unable to right now.

The shifting feelings of going back and forward is consistent with depression. My partner of 8yrs broke up with me for 3 days cos he said he wasnt in love with me anymore. After those 3 days he confessed he made a mistake and that he did want to be with me but he thought it was his only way out. That being said its hard to believe anything that comes out of his mouth at the moment cos hes still recovering so all i know is his feelings could once again change. Like us they too are looking for answers as to why they feel depressed.

"Depression for dummies" is a very thorough book on depression. Feel free to check it out. The only thing you can do right now is to figure out how long you are willing to wait and this is not an easy task. I still dont have the answer myself as i asked my psychologist this and all she said was it was a decision i had to make. Be aware that your health and happiness is important.

A psychologist can help ease the worrying a little and medicare cover 10 free sessions when your dr does a mental health plan.

Give her time to figure out how to help herself. Try to gain a bit of your individuality back while you have time too. Learning how to be ok by yourself will also help. Rediscover your hobbies and keep your mind occupied to ease the overthinking.

Maybe suggest a time out for a month while she figures out what she wants (it may take longer) and re-evaluate at the end of this period. You can still be supportive but it takes practice to not get emotionally affected by what they say. I ended up supporting my partner but i knew when i was approaching my limit for the day. I am unwell myself with anxiety so when i recognised my bodily signs i simply msged my partners friend to take over. I think this is why people stress that you need a "support network".

Keep in touch xo