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Fiancée is unsure about having a child
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Hi Morning sunshine. He could be just experiencing 'cold feet'. Was he actually married to his previous partner? If he was and the marriage failed, it's likely he is concerned that your marriage could face the same fate. Does he see his child often. No-one is ever 100% sure when we marry that it will last forever, we hope so, but because we can't see the future, we all take the same chance that we will last the distance. Have you set a date for the marriage? Probably as the time approaches, he will see that you are right for each other and he will want children as much as he did before. You mentioned he is stressed about work and possibly concerned about being a good hubby, whether you and his child will get on well etc. I suggest you continue supporting him, encourage him to talk about his child, his work concerns. Try not to talk too much about having children, how much you want them etc. This could put more unwanted pressure, which at the moment, he doesn't need. Show him nothing has changed as far as you and him are concerned. Let him know you are both still in sync.
Lynda
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Hi Lynda
Firstly, thank you so much for your words of encouragement.
Your response has helped me to be more positive and to not see everything as doom and gloom... last night I was thinking that this marked the end for us and I was absolutely devastated and feeling helpless.
We have set a date for the wedding...he sees his daughter once or twice a week but says it is never enough.
I think you have hit the nail on the head, it does sound like cold feet... I think I now just need to try to not allow these recent discussions about children to occupy my mind as much as it is at the moment... my fiancée says he wants to focus on our relationship and the wedding for now. So that is what we will do.
Thanks so much again Lynda. It's quite an awful feeling when you feel so helpless and like there is no one to turn to (particularly as this is quite a private matter) and being able to post my worries and get a thoughtful and gentle response on the matter has made a world of difference.
Thank you xx
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Hi Everyone
I posted on here back in December about my fiancée saying he was unsure if he wanted a child with me.
We ended up putting the wedding on hold as I wanted to be sure we were on the same page before we got married.
Since putting the wedding on hold, things have been very up and down between us. Putting the wedding on hold was a very stressful and upsetting time for me but my fiancée couldn't understand me feeling that way and said it wasn't a funeral...I have been trying to pick myself up since we formally notified everyone and I began seeing a psychologist to get me through the time...my fiancée has said again recently that he doesn't think he sees a child in his future with me and that he is worried if we have one and we get rocky, that I will leave him and he will have another child to a person he is no longer with... this is a fear he has had from the beginning but for a while it faded and we began naturally speaking about children before and after he proposed ... I told him that the fear is his problem and that I have shown him how dedicated and committed I am to him and how much I love him... and that I am doing everything I can to get us back on track and (hopefully) to a stage where we are on the same page again and i suggested he see a psychologist to discuss his fears (to no avail)...I feel like recently he has put this barrier between us and we rarely have sex, spend quality time together etc ... when I speak to him about it, he says that he has no real interest in these things. But he certainly did the first 18 months we were together!! ... I feel at a loss as to what else to do... I love him so very much and I just can't understand why he has pulled away from me as it won't solve anything ...sometimes he contradicts himself and says everything is perfect in the relationship except our life goals (me wanting a baby) but then other times he says he is unhappy in life and in his relationship with me...I am now at a stage where I am feeling very frustrated at how he is being with me... i am also starting to think that I should take his words seriously about not wanting a child but this is so hard to do as I love him and want things to work with us and sometimes think that I should just give it some more time... but things only seem to be getting more strained and it's hard to stay positive now...
Not sure what to do from here? ...thank you for your time...
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Hi MS, welcome again
As you know our opinions are based on the fact that we only hear your side of the story.
Ok. My view is very firm, if I was in your situation. I'd take a break. Whether that was a few days away at a beach, with friends etc. Time to think. Then decide.
He already has a child. If he didnt he'd think differently however there is sufficient reasoning in his arguement, to be left with a doubling of his current non custodial situation. So trust is an issue so why marry you?
For me (and I'm not you) my needs would take precedence over his conditions. I divide emotion and logic. Love and life plans.
He allegedly said " said it wasn't a funeral."
Yes it is, its the passing of one of your dreams in life!!
and
"when I speak to him about it, he says that he has no real interest in these things"
Does that mean he has no further interest in your concerns? Is that love?
And
"and i suggested he see a psychologist to discuss his fears (to no avail)"
If my wife asked me this I'd be on the phone within 20 seconds making an appointment. Why is there little commitment? Because he wants you to conform....be what he wants you to be. He is more important to himself.
My assumption is, based on what you've told us, is that you do indeed love him. But in these situations love is an emotion and life plans, fulfilling ones dreams and your partners natural needs is being considerate.
Without the whole package I'd conclude he is not Mr Right...I'd have to walk away.
We are here for you.
Tony WK
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Hi Morning Sunshine,
I am glad this wedding was put on hold...it has revealed more discrepancies, more mistrust, more cracks in the relationship.
Tony's advice is spot on. There is not much I can add. But I would like to share my thoughts, from a woman's point of view...one who has been involved in a couple of failed, toxic relationships where one person demanded to be in control while the other was reduced to a complying shadow.
This man does not make sense. If you have no faith in the future of a relationship, you don't commit to marry. He is making excuses. If he is not deliberately being dishonest with you, he is certainly lying to himself. From what you have to say, it seems to me that he may well do both. I certainly wouldn't trust this situation.
You deserve much better than that.
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Thank you for your kind feedback.
You are right, of course. When we are caught up in a situation, objectivity goes out the window. Viewing it from a distance (through others people's eyes who have no emotional involvement in it) reveals it in its totality.
Kudos to you for listening to your inner voice.
