Is this marriage?

[GreatDawn]

Hi,

I have been married with this woman for over 10yrs. It was never great for some reason and is now taking me into deep depression.

In my view she has always been very selfish and egocentric. She doesn't support anything I do and gets to be the victim. I'm a very reasonable man, ie I can be in the middle of our biggest fight but still will never say anything offensive, a swear word and will always give space for her to talk without interrupting her.

She, however, is very aggressive and hard to argue with. She is the kind of person that if I drop a glass of water it is my fault for not paying attention but if she does, it is my fault for leaving the glass where she could hit it. The list of examples can go on and on. She has no considersrion for my problems and things i have to deal with and always makes her problems the priority number one (and only). At the end she is the one who gets upset and waits for me to come to her to make amends. And I can't think of one single time she ever said sorry or acknowledge the guilt.

In average, our marriage are 2-3 very good weeks followed by 2-3 very bad weeks.

We do have, however, two most beautiful kids together. She very often looses her (very short) patience with them and scream to them or don't treat them right. She is incapable of teaching them anything good. She did make very clear that she really doesn't like kids (in general), and she would much rather lI've without them. However, she does love our kids very much and anytime she spends away from them she misses them big time. She can be very nice with them many times (for short period before they start testing her patience).

I'm pretty sure that if we were to break up I would get the kids. However I don't know if I am prepared to have my kids suffering due to a break up. They are very young still and I only think I should wait until they grow a bit and understand things better before doing anything.

But every week this feeling I have eats me from inside more and more. I know she loves me (she would go crazy if I break up with her). But for some reason she sees me more like an enemy than a partner. And I always wished my wife would be my best friend. Instead what I have is someone whom I can't share anything.

Sorry for the long post. But this is just the tip. Not sure what to do.

[BballJ]

Hi GreatDawn,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

It doesn't sound like the easiest marriage, marriage is about being fair to each other and reasonable and there not being one dominate person over the other as that just isn't right. Marriage is a two way street as they say. Treat your partner how you wish to be treated.

My first question is have you considered couples counselling? Just trying something different and getting an in-biased opinion on both of your sides of the story?

My best for you,

Jay

[geoff]

hi GreatDawn, trying to be rational doesn't seem to work, maybe it did a long time ago, but not now, just as trying to explain how you're feel can make everything go horribbly wrong, which could suggest that maybe she has a narcissists personality, but doesn't mean that there are times when she is caring and loving.
All of this may cause depression for you, because you will think that everything is your fault, but it isn't, but in her eyes if you defend yourself this will only make the situation worse.
Her personality will change when you are with friends as well as with the kids, so it's going to make the marriage confusing where you find disappointment, anger and hurt most of the time, but I don't think that she would even consider having any therapy, because she feels as there is nothing wrong.
If you can watch this "I, Pyschopath", it's how someone has turned themselves around, plus you maybe able to read a transcript on a book called 'How to Deal with Blamers'.
My wife was the same it was always my fault and not once did she say 'sorry' to me, and it was always me that had to give in, even when it wasn't my fault.
I would be really interested in hearing back from you. Geoff.

[GreatDawn]

Hi BballJ,

Thanks a lot for your reply.

We haven't tried consueling yet. First I'm not sure how she would react if I suggest that. And secondly I'm afraid she will eventually get upset because she will argue that the counselor is only one my side, if turns out to be this way.

I don't think she would accept to be told she has been all wrong and not so myself so much. Somehow she will say that is as much as my fault than hers. Obviously I'm not perfect but in this case is very clear who is causing it.

She is seeing a psychiatrist every now and then, though. The reason she started seeing her was to cope with the stress the kids were making her go through. I supported her going and see her but needless to say I don't think they are terrible kids that would cause that. They are great and can be stressful at times as any kids but it is more her lack of patience of dealing with them than anything else.

She doesn't like to have to live for others and that bothers her. And I'm not sure if she is saying the full story to the doctor.

But in getting other people option I had her mom and sister asking me a few times what is going on with her and why she is being lime that. They don't live here with us, so unfortunately I can't get much help from them.

[GreatDawn]

Hi geoff.

Thanks heaps for your response. That was great. I'm not really feeling guilty, I think I'm over this phase. It is pretty clear for me that I haven't been doing much wrong.

She does change in front of others. But she does like to somehow put me down in front of friends sometimes. She is not very fond in discussing with me because she says I always disagree with her, when in fact I'm expressing different opnions for debate.

I believe she does understand to retain extent what she does. On the "good days" she admits she explodes about no reason but again never says sorry or look into changing. It is like she is two different people.

As I mentioned in the other post, she is seeing some psychiatrist and was found with some unbalanced hormones. She is taking medication for that but it doesn't seem to help much.

We always seems to be very distant from each other. We both work and I do the drop offs and she does the pick ups. When I get home all I get is some complaining and she goes away to some other room to leave me to dinner and do the clean up by myself. She believes she had put up with enough with the kids from the pick up to the time I arrived and want to see herself free of everything.

Even when the kids are sorted and in bed she rather do whatever she want to try to stay with me. And of course blames me if I do the same. There is not much "us" but more "she" instead. I'm more seeing like someone to sort her problems out.

Is that how it happened to you? I'm curious to hear how you turned that around. I will definitely go after those documentary and book. Psychopath is something I would have never considered.

We recently had a discussion of something very wrong she did. Days after she still doesn't assume she did wrong and tries to blame me. Despite her changes in behavior to try to fix things up wit me.

Apologies if that was too long or confusing. I'm still very confusing with my thoughts and feeling.

I appreciate all your help.

[Guest_1055]

Hi Greatdawn,

I thought it might be hormonal imbalance of some kind with your wife .Reason being you said she was alright for 2 to 3 weeks, then not alright for 2 to 3 weeks.

I am not excusing her behaviour though. Anyway I was inspired to look at a site called "happy hormones" by another member on here.

I found it helpful, if your wife is in agreement maybe she could do the free assessment they have on there. There also have a specific eating programme especially to help balance the hormones in women. This too can be downloaded.

Also in some women, talking about myself here well eating lots of refined sugars or caffeine doesn't help some of us. In me it cause huge mood swings from crying , irritable feelings, less patient to anger. So if she does consume these things...well it is worth considering if she chooses to stop to see if it makes a difference.

I am not saying she has hormonal issues, but it is something to ponder, because she might.

shell

[GreatDawn]

Hi Shell,

Thanks for the info. I will look into that. However she has been under tratment for sometime now and I would expect some improvement by now.

And as you said, it doesn't excuse her behaviour. I get hormones could potentially be messing with her a lot and respect that, but some apologies would be welcome once things are settled. This is what it is hard for me to understand and accept.

Just yesterday she tried to blame me for something really bad (emotionally) she did a week ago. To me what she did was unacceptable and I got very upset about it for a few days. I told her at the time and again yesterday when she brought this up. She was again making all about her and when I told her about my perspective she just went quiet. She stopped talking completely. It was clear that she got the message, but I am still not sure she recognises it was her fault - she never spoke about this again or asked for apologies. Too much pride perhaps?

She changed her behaviour completely today, being all nice and caring. But I know this is only until tomorrow when something upsets her again.

Thanks for the support. Any idea is very helpfull

[BballJ]

Hi GreatDawn,

Thanks for your reply.

Only reason I suggested couples counselling is that you generally will get an un-biased opinon from that counsellor and I understand your wife may think they is being targeting but sometimes hearing it from someone other than yourself can help. I am assuming that only you tell her if she is doing something wrong... so she just assumes you probably don't know what you are talking about and keeps on going.

We aren't here to diagnose your wife as that is not what we do, I can only hope you both seek the help together as sometimes when doing it alone.. she will be saying one thing to her counsellor for example and you'll be saying another rather than one counsellor getting both sides of the story and interpreting it.

Being a parent is tough, I understand that too and you sound like you are doing a great job.

geoff may be of more assistance in this situation as he has personally dealt with it but I am always here for support and advice.

My best,

Jay

[geoff]

hi GreatDawn, thank you for getting back to us, and I'm I can say that you haven't done anything wrong, although there are times when we do, but need to own up to it, which your wife wouldn't even consider doing, same as my wife (ex), because it was turned around in a way that I was to blame,and what she did was always premeditated in a way that it may appear as my fault, but it wasn't.
I agree talking is meant to be a debate, but it turns out to be an argument where I was wrong, so to keep the piece I went along with her.
I would go to my shed and was criticised for doing so, but she could never stay working in a job, so always changed from job to job every 6 months or so, until one day she told me 'that I'm on notice', meaning that if I don't toe the line she was leaving, this was when I started to drink, had my own business with 6 months work in front of, but I had a breakdown, lost all that work, but at that stage I didn't care.
I was in denial for a long time even though I knew something was wrong but refused to admit it, until something major happened and released I needed help.
I will just mention that I tried to end my life and from then on life was tough, until she decided to divorce me, and once that happened my life started to pick up to where I am now.
I'm not premeditating that this happen to you, it's a decision on how you feel, and I have to say that our sons were over 18.
A marriage where you are not recognised and always to blame is something I would never enter into again, so I live by myself.
I hope you will reply back, there maybe some other questions I haven't answered. Geoff.

[GreatDawn]

Hi geoff. I'm really sorry to hear your story but I'm also very gratful that you have shared that. It made me open my eyes tohow bad this can become. I can relate to what you felt and I can clearly see how you (and eventually me) could get to this point. We keep swallowing this feeling and accepting all sort of aggression to keep peace. Trying very hard to always please them to not get anger and complaints back. Is that how you remember felling at the time? I can se it can blow up hard as it did to you and sort of is happening to me now.

I probably have one million questions but dont want to abuse of kindness. I think what I'm hoping for now (or what I want to believe to) is that it is not that bad. That it can all be fixed up. But to be honest I don't remember when was the last day I didnt think about breaking up for good. So, if I can ask, at the time, did you saw your ex as being a good person? That maybe really loved you? That is how I see her. There were days, not far from now, that she would be so nice and say how I am what brings balance to her life and how her life would not be possibe if she didnt have me. But there are many days that she complains and blames me about everything, and like you, I keep myself quiet.

I really believe I would be much happier if I wasnt in this situation - like you are now, and how differntly I would choose my partner if I had a second chance. But I want to make sure that this is the right thing to be done, and that Im not missing something, like hormones as discussed in another post. So if I could picture how your ex wife and be able to compare would be great. I am really hoping that what I going through is a much milder version of what happened to you and fixable. Have you spoke about this with your ex at the time? Have you told her how her attitude made your life impossible at the time? Does she realize now?

thanks heaps.