Feeling lost and in love, tell us your reasons.

[geoff]

We have many comments about being in love with someone but unable to achieve what we desire for many reasons.

Love is a beautiful word that can be expressed by just a small smile, a floating kiss or even a simple message that only has a word or two, such as I cherish you, I want you to be by my side or more adoring words, sometimes we are too afraid to show our love and causes problems that we were not expecting.

Why do we show our pets more love than we do with our partner/spouse?

All thoughts are welcome, both good and those that truly upset us.

Take care.

Geoff.

[geoff]

Hello EM, you're right the demon won't sustain any relationship and can open the door for the black dog.

Take care.

Geoff.

[WaterFront]

Hi Em and Geoff,

Thank you for your replies. Your kind words and considered advice really do help and I have been thinking about what you have both said in response to my post. Yes, it turned into a romantic relationship after 15 years and then continued for another 5 years until she me this new person (There was a two week crossover before she told me - I think she was making sure it would work out before she ended it with me). Though, in hindsight, I think for me it was serious and for her it was a friends with benefits thing until she found someone else. She didn't tell me that though - wish she had. I did battle with deep depression for months afterwards - something that I had never experienced before. Now, I am just sad at what has been lost and I dwell (try not to). I find it really hard to deal with the fact that she no longer cares about me and that she is able to switch it off so easily. I understand what you are saying Geoff about moving on and agree. I just need a little more time to actually do it though I know it is the right decision. It's weird, when I was still attempting to talk to her last year, she would just ignore me and not reply or answer, and yet when she texts me now, I respond because I don't want to hurt her feelings. I guess that makes me a bit of a mug.

Thanks for listening. It helps.

WF

[ecomama]

Hey WF, that sucks big time. No other way to put it really.

One reason I asked if either of you were in other r/ships during those 15y is that if someone IS and doing this kind of thing, it seems to me they're keeping pots going on the back burner. Just warming them up to jump in to another r/ship when that one ends.

Kind of a trait that exists in some people. You kind of answered my instincts about her by your response.

Yep agree with Geoff. Block all the way. You know now that she's merely using you and has shown by her behaviours that she doesn't care.
The 180 Strategy is a great tool to help you close off and move on. You can search this strategy online and it goes a LONG way to turning your focus on to YOU. Looking after yourself. It's great.
Instigating the "Gray Rock" is awesome too.

There's an awesome "Nation" to read up on, started by Chumplady. You can search her too and the things she writes about will make you laugh till your socks fall off! People who are betrayed in that nation are called "chumps" (not mugs lol).

I thank God I had the support of another forum during this time for me. This is where I found all these strategies & sites, then USED them lol.

I wouldn't be hasty to jump in to another relationship but to build all the networks of friendships around you and reconnect with family you like. Hugs!

Hey rx, previous relationships ended for a reason. We can look at them through rose coloured glasses all we like but especially if WE ended them, well there were good reasons for that.

If THEY ended the r/ship, well it's done like a dinner right there! If the relationship was important enough for us then we'd already have worked on resolving issues but if it wasn't that important then there's your answer too.

The older we get, the more experiences we accumulate and the more chance of pondering or regret to be creeping in.

If regret turns in to "rumination" then we need some help to get out of that. Either from ourselves or others.
Hugs!

Love EMxxxx

[ecomama]

Hey Geoff, oh you betcha depression was a biggie for me back then! Horrible. So lucky to have survived.

Depression creeps back in at times but I'm pretty happy with what I'm able to do with my life in the current sitch.
I'm a billion % GRATEFUL that God awful marriage ended. If it didn't, things would've become far worse. That was the ONLY direction it could go with a psychopathic narc.

We escaped and are moving from survival to thrival lol. For me it will be a life long recovery effort but I have beautiful, fun and creative things to look forward to of my own creation, so things are better than I could ever have imagined.

When I sealed shut one door as tightly as I possibly could, then the whole world opened up for me and the kids.
Even during months of lock down, we were all FAR more free than we ever were with demon in our lives.

So grateful.

Love EMxxxx

[Guest_1584]

Hi Geoff and yeah very true.

ln many ways the writing was on the wall with her back then , l knew she'd move to the more extreme if not for me not being Vegan. That was a worry even with me in that if she got any worse l wouldn't of been able to live with it so no surprises really tbh.

But yeah people change , oddly my brother and l were just talking about that yesterday actually and yeah , we can only speculate hat might've or might not have been. Not healthy getting too caught up in the what if's though is it eh.

High WF . Very sorry about how things transpired but sorry to say yeah , l agree with others. Sadly it wasn't as real for her and she was lining up her next monkey branch l'm afraid. We need to see the signs of real love before allowing real love within ourselve's unfortunately but true signs can be quite allusive with some people can't they. Sometimes on purpose bc they know damn well they aren't for real , or sometimes moreso legit but in fear and self preservation. On the bright side thankfully true colours came out before marriage and kids or being in any deeper and you'll be free to find true and worthy love in the future sometime now right. You might be amazed at just what lies around the next corner , no matter how your feeling today.

Good luck.

rx

[geoff]

Hello EM, WF, RX and everyone else, I understand what has been said, because it's been happening to someone I know, where the same has been done and has been hiding money away, it's believed, for who knows for how long, and now the longer this goes on, the more is found out.

It's upsetting to know.

Geoff.

[jtjt_4862]

Hiya WF,

I'm really sorry to hear about what has happened. I'm in some way similar to you, where the person whom I once loved, no longer shows any signs of care. Even till today, it still hurts thinking about it, but I can assure you the pain will subside, and eventually what feels like a stab, will feel like a small nudge. Perhaps each time you see her text, it brings back the pain and makes healing difficult for you. This is when you have to learn to love yourself, and put yourself first before her (and anyone else). If her text is bringing the pain back up to you, let her know that you need space and block her. Whether your actions will hurt her feelings or not, that's for her to manage (and given how quickly she has moved on, it is most likely she'll understand your point of view, and respect it). What you need to manage is yourself, and it sounds like you could use the space from her to heal. There's no time limit for grief, it comes and goes at really random times, so take as much time as you need to heal thru my friend.

Jt

[WaterFront]

Hi Jt,

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I know I have to block her for my own wellbeing and am just delaying the inevitable. Her messages do bring those feeling up more strongly though each day she chooses not to talk to me also really hurts. (We talked everyday for 20 years). It's also affecting my relationship with my phone as I avoid it as much as possible (which isn't really possible) and when I do check it am somewhat disappointed that there is no message from her. By blocking her, I feel I can get on with it much better and not have to deal with the daily disappointment of her not connecting and the even stronger pain when she does. I think that's one of those 'rock and a hard place' situations. Which I know would be solved by blocking her!

Hi Geoff,

Yes, there was a joint account that she cleaned out (not too much money - more that she would do that). You think you really know someone and then it turns out you don't.

Thank you all for your support and listening while I work my way through all of this.

WF

[geoff]

Hello WF, I think that's what does give us a shock when you're married or have been in a relationship for a long time and you find out that your spouse/partner has been cheating on you financially, this is exactly the situation I was describing when a very close friend is going through divorce, where the spouse had been putting money a way each week and now they are separated, many items have been purchased.

A disappointing outcome.

Geoff.

[WaterFront]

Hi Geoff,

I'm sorry that has happened to your friend. Those added deceits and acts of disregard just put another layer of hurt on top of what is already an incredibly difficult process and situation. I guess you have to tell yourself that this is saying more about the person who has done these things. Showing you who they are.

I'm sure you will be there to help support your friend through this.

WF