Feeling lost and in love, tell us your reasons.

[geoff]

We have many comments about being in love with someone but unable to achieve what we desire for many reasons.

Love is a beautiful word that can be expressed by just a small smile, a floating kiss or even a simple message that only has a word or two, such as I cherish you, I want you to be by my side or more adoring words, sometimes we are too afraid to show our love and causes problems that we were not expecting.

Why do we show our pets more love than we do with our partner/spouse?

All thoughts are welcome, both good and those that truly upset us.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Doolhof]

Hi Geoff,

My response is not in relation to my partner, but to my mother. I realise my relationship with her has affected so much of my life and my relationships with other people and my partner.

It seems all my life I have desired the love of my mother.

She told me from an early age I am her child, that doesn't mean she has to like me or love me.

For some crazy reason I have tried to build a relationship with her. I love her. She disowns me and even treats me dreadfully.

Mother has now moved house. For some silly reason I thought a new beginning might occur. Saw her recently and she hurt me deeply with her words. My offers of help were rejected then she asked others to do exactly what I had offered.

Why can't I just walk away? Why do I continually seek just one word of acceptance from my mother? Why is it so important to me?

Rejection can cut deeper than any knife. Knowing my own parent thinks so little of me my whole life has casued me so much trauma.

I need to move on only the hurt and pain is so entrenched.

[Fiatlux]

Thanks for the topic, my favourite subject, Love.

My favourite quote about the subject,

”only love can be divided endlessly and still not diminish”

This morning I woke up feeling like, I wish this life would just come to an end already. I thought about posting about this, but your topic has diminished that thought.

Buddha taught me about unconditional love and I try to practice this in my daily life.

From an early age Love is something that we are taught that we should be willing and able to die for and even to kill for. As a mother, we love so hard that we protect our babies with our lives. I felt unconditional love for my babies instantly at conception.

Love gets complicated when misused.

I often felt lost in my marriage. The word Love was used against me to gain advantage and to abuse.

Those words, “if you love me, you will” were used often. This was emotional and psychological abuse which caused me so much trauma.

I would often think, “if you love me, you wouldn’t” but I never dared say as much.

Your point about showing more love for our pets than to each other, I discussed with my children some time ago when they were primary school age. But it was along the lines, that we show more respect and courtesy to strangers, than our loved ones.

I raised my children with open affection. I told them multiple times a day, that I loved them. Kisses were plentiful.

My own mother was not a hugger and grew distant as we got older. Dad was the affectionate parent and I miss his huge heart and bear hugs. Dad made me feel loved.

Spousal love can get very complicated...

Anyway, for the grace of love, thank you for your topic.

Just discussing Love, has reminded me to practice some self love today.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Fiatlux, 

Thank you for your post here today and for sharing your thoughts on love in its many different forms. It can be really hard to think about how love comes in and out of our lives but you have written about it wonderfully. 

We also noticed that you might be having a really difficult time at the moment, we are really sorry to hear that. We thought that is might be helpful to you to give our phoneline a call on 1300 22 4636 to chat about how you are feeling. 

Thank you to Geoff for starting a great disucssion and to everyone who is posting a response!

Please remember that if you ever feel unsafe that this is an emergency and you should call 000 immediately. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[geoff]

Hello Dools, I've read your post several times and can't imagine the hurt this is causing you, the struggle you are experiencing and how much it means to you is causing so much grief and feel so sorry for you.

Sometimes it's impossible to try and ignore these reactions because it's only natural to have our parents approval so that we can grow and learn from their vast experience in life, but as soon as they disown and treat you not the way you would expect, it digs deep into your heart and when you do everything that's possible to please your mum only to be hit with a barrage of criticism, it's simply too difficult to understand why.

Like all things in life, all we want is to be accepted by our friends and family, especially our parents and when we believe we have done all we can to gain approval but it's not accepted, leaves us dumbfounded as to why.

I am really sorry Dools this is happening and may be one reason why you are feeling the way you do.

My best to you.

Geoff.

[geoff]

Hello Fiatlux, a famous quote by Anne Morrow and we do love our children on the conception and try our best to show them our affection towards them in everything they try and do while growing up, supporting them through any failure they believe they have done, giving them the courage to continue on and consoling them when they are down, that's a parent's aim in life, unfortunately, later on in life it may backfire on us when all the love we've shown, suddenly goes backwards for some unknown reason, that's when it hurts us.

When a marriage is heading for trouble, then love is so difficult to express, not only by ourselves but to our children and those who have supported us throughout this ordeal, it goes beyond our control and love may be hidden away, suppressed until we are able to feel the love from someone else, although at times, this isn't even enough to bring us out of the depth of any type of depression.

Before we can love another person we have to love ourselves first.

Thanks, Sophie_M for your comment.

My best.

Geoff.

[Doolhof]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your kind words. Neither of my parents were there for me much as a child and all through life. At least Dad was never usually nasty, he just didn't communicate with me.

People are able to walk away from their parents. For some stupid reason I have wanted a relationship with them. I wonder how different my life could have been if I had done that at the age of 17 when I left home.

After seeing Mother recently I have been so sad. I feel so broken and shattered. Empty. I need to let go of any expectation my Mother might feel anything but contempt for me.

I need to find ways to let go. To move on. One way love is too draining and painful. I have been told my trauma does stem from childhood neglect and abuse. Unfortunately it has tainted my life and I need to find ways to get past this.

Thanks again for your kind words Geoff.

Regards from Dools

[geoff]

Hello Dools, one way to let go is to finally realise that holding onto what all of this has caused you is not going to change anything even if this seems to be impossible because it's not going to help you move forward, you're stuck on past problems that only your mother has created, this isn't you, now you have been helping other people on this site for a long time, something which you could have been criticised for by your mother, but she is not correct in her thoughts and should be accepting your ability to understand what others are struggling with.

If your mum has kept on condemning you for doing this, then that's a fault of hers, not yours.

None of us can be certain of what's going to happen today or tomorrow and on different occasions, we adapt to the outcome, whether we are right or wrong is something we find out ourselves, rather than with your mum, everything you did was wrong, how can you possibly move forward when this is always said to you, you need encouragement, praise and congratulations on what you've done, that's how you let go to also help others to overcome their problems.

Condemnation by anyone is to be avoided in all circumstances and you can't change someone if that's what they don't want to do, it wears you down.

Don't let this happen to you Dools.

My best.

Geoff.

[Guest_1643]

hi there,

unrequited love is a common theme here

its also between the lines on many threads, becoming attracted to someone and wishing they could be more, but unsure if it is a possibility

i am single and quite scared of entering a relationship and have been very hurt in the past and confused. love was always fighting, threats, harm and insults. and now i have no love at all, not sure what's better.

Love can be in many forms and can be grounding. outside of romantic loves, i'd love to feel true love and trust for friends, this has been so helpful in the past but elusive atm. the ppl i surround myself with are fair-weather and not able to go into the trenches with me. good friends are loving, and bring love.

[Doolhof]

Hi Geoff,

Today I went and volunteered in a home for the elderly, something I have been doing for a couple of years now. I really enjoyed the company of some of the residents today. I had a great laugh with a couple of the people there.

I also tell myself that we don't have to get along with everyone and that is okay. I guess some recent events with my Mum and other stuff just really hit hard.

In my heart I know I will always love my Mum or maybe it is what I desire a Mum to be that I love. I can't expect people to be whom they can't be.

Condemnation and being put down can be soul destroying, so thank you for your kind words yet again. I need to rise above the hurt and look at the things in life I manage to do that are okay!

Relationships can be tricky! Cheers from Dools