Family Issues

[Dadof77]

Hey, I'm a dad of 6 (18, 16, 14, 13, 4, 3).  My 4 older kids are from my first marriage and the 2 younger are from my current marriage.  My biggest issues are that when we got together the older kids were 10,8,6 and 4.  The marriage I got out of was a lengthy family court battle and I was mentally exhausted.  There's a 13 year age gap (me being 46 and her 33) so the differences we had in parenting styles was quite big.  It was so apparent until the 2 little ones were born.  Her style has always been evidence based (so hard to argue against) where as mine was from how I was brought up (old school) .  The hardest hurdle has been while we have been getting couple counselling, because our psychologist has recommended things because when we had our 2 kids she took on the stay at home role.  It has been something she has struggled with and so we have implemented tools to help with lessening her mental load, but she's had trouble letting go (control freak) and when she keeps saying that the older kids need consequences if their jobs aren't done (or done to a high standard).  I think that we need to adapt the chores to help with the kids load (school, sport, work). But because it's not what the psychologist has said she argues about it(autism undiagnosed), but I have trouble keeping my emotions in check (ADHD).  We are working through it, but it's very hard.  Am I the only one out there like this.  Any help would be great.

[therising]

Hi Dadof77

Wow, that's a lot of different natures under the one roof, 6 kids + yourself and your wife. As a wife and mum of only 2 kids (18yo son and 21yo daughter), it's challenging enough. I have to say, I admire you greatly given all you're trying to manage.

I think being a parent is partly about adopting really effective strategies and ideas from our own parents (sifting them out of our parents' overall parenting style) while adopting some new strategies. So, bit of a mix of both. Then our kids go on to do the same thing when they become parents. And on it goes. 'What is the right mix?' becomes the question. Of course, one of the really tough parts about parenting involves learning through hindsight, learning by our mistakes. I've apologised to my kids on a number of occasions, while admitting 'I'm not exactly sure of what I'm doing at times when it comes to this 'learn as you go' parenting thing'. 

Through hindsight, I've learned there needs to be basic guidelines that everyone's capable of managing. After that, I think it comes down to the nature of each child. Then, to add to the complexity, different people will manage or not manage under different circumstances. For example, while a child can manage even the basics, under highly stressful circumstances (such as HSC) they may lose their ability to manage even the most basic household chores because of the amount of stress they're under. Gee this parenting business is hard and, as I say, I've only got 2 kids compared with yourself.

I suppose the question is 'What can everyone in your household manage, as far as basic guidelines go?'. Can they manage picking up after themselves, meeting at the dinner table at 6pm, being considerate of each other, being open and honest communicators, taking their washing to the laundry, using basic manners etc etc? From 3 through to 18, can they all follow those guidelines? Something else I've learned is while both my kids are very much alike in some ways, in other ways you couldn't find 2 people more different. While a psychologist would possibly diagnose my daughter as struggling with ADHD, my son's official diagnosis is level 1 autism. When it comes to their nature, my daughter's more a feeler compared with my son who's more an analyst. Occasionally they'll meet in the middle of that spectrum (from pure feeling through the pure analysis). A lot can be achieved in the middle.

I've found, at the end of the day, a lot of this parenting stuff is about skill development. What are the skills for life we can teach our kids to master, from skillfully brushing their teeth all the way through to skillfully being flexible while structuring their life in ways that serve them?