Extreme Anxiety Due to Break up

[Amali]

Hi, 

I broke up with my boyfriend 3 months ago. This was the second time I had to break it off because I couldn't trust him and he was emotionally manipulative. I excused a lot of his behaviour because he lost his mum to cancer and really hit rock bottom. He was taking me for granted and I always felt he was living another life and enjoyed getting attention from other women and hiding our relationship. 

I have battled with anxiety due to this unstable relationship and insecurities that I formed due to it. I also suffer from pretty severe social anxiety. I had counselling last year and still went back to my boyfriend who caused a lot of pain.I have always been a ruminator and really cant understand why I'm obsessing over and still loving someone who couldn't give me what I needed.

Even though his behaviour is what caused the break up, I can't help but care for him, and I struggling to see a life without him. I'm terrified of running into him, which happens a fair bit living in a small town and I just don't think I would cope seeing him with or finding out he is with someone else.

I know this is probably normal for people dealing with break ups but I feel so physically sick sometimes that I cant see a way forward.

I have been ignoring his texts as I know it's the only way to finally be free of him and heal properly but at the same time I have this overpowering sense of guilt for not responding as I know he still loves me and is hurting a lot.

Any tips on dealing with a break up, especially when you already battle with anxiety.

Thanks

amali

[white knight]

Hi amali,  welcome to beyond Blue forums

You are doing all the right things. There is an old movie called "the way were were" starring chris Chistopherson and Barbara Steisand. Its a movie about a love affair of two people that are so much on love but cannot live with each other.  I think this senario is very common. So dont be too hard on yourself.

Be kinder to yourself actually. You've been brave enough to break it off with him knowing he isnt your type. It takes likewise effort and love both ways to find happiness.  And deeper love is on the horizon for you, because when you find that man that loves you as much as you love him, you will be in love more!! that is logic and true, regardless of your thoughts now.

It isnt easy moving on especially in a small town. But you must pull yourself together. Many of us here have had several relationships in our lifetime. No breakup is easy.  Diversion helps. Find a hobby, fill in your time. Get another boyfriend, date, have dinners, go to the movies....it all helps with the process of moving on.  take care.

[geoff]

dear Amali, welcome to this site and for wanting to post your comment.

No, any break-up is never easy, but the reason you have done this, and this is your second time is because he has been manipulative so you couldn't trust him, and it does seem as though you want to do this deep down, because you haven't responded to his text messages.

No one wants to see their previous partner/ex-spouse with someone else, but he will go from his next partner and then to another one simply because he will be using them as well.

There is a concern here in that this may cause PTSD for you, but it won't happen if you can get another person to form a relationship, so I'm not sure whether you are working or going to school/uni, but it would be best to see your doctor, because your social anxiety has to be dealt with.

I hated seeing my ex and the person see is living with, as he is never allowed to come to any function or gatherings at all. L Geoff. x

[HisForever14]

Amali you are just like me and you are not alone I understand what you are going thru iv been seperated from my boyfriend almost 7 weeks now we met December last year I instantly fell deep in love with him we moved in together and lived such a beautiful life and love july this year I made the fatal mistake to say lets pack up the house rent is too high and go live with his mum and dad. From the time I got there to 7 weeks of living there I learnt how judging cruel and completely against depression they were as you can imagine with me already having ptsd and borderline it made me so sick and depressed I became withdraw and very hurt because he just seemed to brush it off he finally agreed to move out with me they didnt like that madr me out as tho I was asking him to choose and they threw me on the streets and he allowed it b4 this him and I were inseparable hes completely blocked my phone number faceb7ool everything and only  now very slowly reading my emails the last month and a half have to be the most eqrushiatin pain emotionally iv ever felt as this relo was soon serious getting engaged buy a house etc he was so loving and reminded me each day how much he loved me and how lucky he was he asked for space id yet to give it till this week hes never said we r over but him not even communicating rips me to shreds I know his previous marriage broke down coz of his oarents6 horrible behaviors and ways of living his mum calling him 8 times a day his father the way he is I fear my bf has an underling mental issue that's never been diagnosed he acknowledged he needs help as I know iv needed tooo I still love him but soòo much needs to change for us to function I just think me cutting contact will make him wonder what im doing!!! Hope iv helped xxx I honestly didn't think id get thru this but im here

[White_Rose]

Hello Amali

Just a quick message.  Glad you found your way here. Please vent as often as you need. The folk here will help and support you.

One tip, why not block his phone messages to you? That way you will not be constantly reminded about him and neither will there be the temptation to reply.

Take care

Mary

[Amali]

Thank you everyone for your helpful replies. I thought I was going so well but today I am feeling so lonely and missing him terribly. He hasn't messaged me or tried to make contact at all since I ignored his message. Which I guess is a good thing. I guess it's really started to sink in that he is gone. I can't stand not knowing what's going on in his life, but at the same time I don't want to know anything because I know it will hurt too much. I can't see myself ever stopping thinking about him, as we went through so much together, in particular the passing of his mum.

trying to find peace and move on... it's just so hard. But I know i'm lucky and people on here have battles much much greater than this. i guess it's just good to vent.

Thanks

Amali