Empathy, the lost art

[white knight]

A good percentage of people with mental health conditions have a minimum of expectations from loved ones or workmates with understanding. This is a trap because when we need empathy and don't get it we feel rejection and that adds to our woes

Humans vary so much. Some don't have communication skills, punctuality, work ethics, reasonable morals, restraint, humour and so on. With those deficiencies we think "that's them, it isn't in them". But when we don't get empathy we struggle to accept that quality lacking. Why?

• They can't SEE the illness
• They have no mental illness knowledge 
• They have low emotion
• they are protecting themselves from emotional discussions
• Other reasons

We have options- 

• Respect their lack of capacities 
• Discuss issues with those that can relate and/or that treat
• Lack of display of empathy doesn't mean they have no heart
• Give empathy for those that cannot offer it, for its an art lost

TonyWK 

[Bob_22]

Hi White Knight,

Thanks for sharing this post. What great insight! Yes, I have often thought that it sometimes takes effort to convey how we feel to others when unwell especially if they have never been so themself. I often find people will try to compare you to something they know or have experienced themselves and not try to imagine the scope of you might be going through if unknown. This can be frustrating as it can be quite dismissive as well. Sometimes, as you mentioned, all we can do is accept this and try to use our own empathy as a tool to help others the way we would liked to be helped.

[On The Road]

Hi Tony, thanks for sharing this. 

Some people I used to know treated me with indifference when I was mentally struggling. I mentioned my situation during my interactions with them and they tried to avoid it and one of them actually called me "stupid".

Of course I was angry at that time but now as I recalled and reflected on it, I'm thinking maybe I didn't realise they have their struggles and their problems to deal with, maybe it was their choice to choose not to have more empathy with me. I don't feel anger towards them but I do feel pity it wasn't the best time both for me and them. 

[white knight]

Thanks to both community champions on your replies.

You both highlighted that giving others the benefit of the doubt has positives in communication. That believing in others is far better than being over defensive.

What would you react about the following thread written some time ago?

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-benefit-of-the-doubt/td-p/254054

TonyWK

[Bob_22]

Hi white knight,

Thanks for your reply and for referring to your old threat. It is a great post and invites much thought. I think its very true and eye opening that behind most tough exteriors lies someone much the same as everyone else. I am sure applying this to everyday life is difficult but also admirable. I know for me personally, I often do my best to reserve judgement on an individual. Perhaps this is something common to those with mental health issues but who knows.

Bob

[white knight]

Hi Bob

So true, people have veneer, some thick some thin.

Reserving judgement often comes from learning the hard way by prejudging others and regretting it. Unfortunately many people don't learn that lesson.

Cheers

TonyWK 

[Guest_1584]

This is a very big thing.

l have no expectations in MH myself with other people except maybe a paid professional and even they might be thinking about tea that night.

With the exception of your partner or loved one , ones if your so lucky, most don't even know anything about MH and they have their own stuff and family or marriage and kids and life going on anyway.

Me l realized a long time ago it's too much to expect just friends to deal with our stuff all the time. lt's a totally draining and on going thing and who is gonna have the time and spare mental space to be bothering too much bc really , that is a very very big ask.

l've found outside of partner, the odd person or family member may have some kind of knowledge or even an interest in MH or specifics , but most don't and nor even have the time anyway.

rx