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Don't really want relationships but needing some sort of connection

sparkvark
Community Member

As per thread title. I'm basically a loner, and don't like relying on other people for things or having them involved in personal things that I'm doing. Sometimes I feel lonely and like I need a meaningful connection or help to deal with things or even get motivated. And sometimes I feel like every interaction is an imposition, that people are willfully misunderstanding me and changing topics in a way that shuts down anything I wanted to say, that I'm so disconnected from everyone, that an act of violence could either reconnect or sever the connection altogether.

Today I'm in between both of those feelings.

26 Replies 26

Hi again Sparkvark 🙂

In my photo you can see Sarge, my beautiful boy who passed away nearly a year ago. His passing shattered me, he was bitten by a tiger snake and died at the vet later that night after they had tried everything. I don't think I will ever get over it, I wear his tag on a chain every day. I had him cremated because I am only renting and don't want to bury him somewhere and then have to leave him next time I move. When I pass away I want to be created and our ashes kept together forever. It sounds kind of morbid, but I just want to be with my boy.

After struggling with his loss I came across a facebook page for a rescue dog in foster care desperately needing a 'Forever Home'. She looked so much like Sarge I thought it was a sign I should adopt her. I wrote to the rescue group and she came to my home for a trial run to see if she would settle in to life with me and I have been in love with her ever since.

Holly is the happiest dog I have ever known, it is like she knows what would have happened if she couldn't have been rehoused. She appreciates every day and all the love and attention I give her. It has been a really beautiful experience. Both Sarge and Holly are American Staffy. So loving but often misunderstood (perhaps my attraction to the breed). There are some much smaller breeds that may be suited to an apartment, and strangely enough greyhounds actually make really good pets too. They are really lazy 99% of the time and enjoy a quick run every now and then. They will happily sit/sleep for most of the time so need very little space, but like to get a quick run in and then quickly tire again. Maybe worth looking into 🙂 I know there are heaps always looking for a good home and have so much love to give 🙂

Serenna
Community Member

Hi sparkvark

You have raised a very interesting topic. I have felt like a loner since my mum died when I was young and have always found it very difficult to connect with others. I too like some connection but not too much. When I force myself to try to connect I've found the smallest most insignificant acts to be the most successful. Things like walking the dog the same route every day and saying hello to people in their front yards and other dog walkers. Walkers seem to say hello in the early mornings, not other times of the day! Having a coffee at the same place also works in the same way. I am about to retire from work and will lose that connection so I think these small attempts will become even more important. I also read fiction to handle loneliness - just take myself to another place completely.

It is difficult to post on these forums - this is my first real reply to anyone after quite a few attempts!

Take care.

Guest_322
Community Member

Hi Sparkvark,

I saw your thread earlier and wanted to post. But I was hesitant as I wasn't sure if I had anything meaningful or constructive to add (not that that has ever really stopped me before).

My joking aside, you're obviously very self sufficient. But even the most self reliant of us usually crave some form of human connection (think it's in our wiring, you know).

I guess my 2 cents is that there is a difference between a connection and a meaningful connection. I could easily be wrong- feel free to correct me- but I'm guessing part of your struggle is that the latter is missing.

I mean, just because you have some form of company (online or otherwise), it doesn't mean that they're necessarily the right "fit" for you and vice versa. I would know...I have a gazillion offline friends yet still feel ridiculously lonely.

As for your online partner, you've pretty much said it all. There's some sort of disconnect between you and your partner.

Maybe you just haven't found your "tribe" yet. By tribe, I just mean "x" number of people that you truly click with, you know.

Over and out.

Dottie x

Hey Boo 1986 I’m sorry to hear about Sarge. I think the tag chain and keeping his ashes are a nice way to remember him. It’s amazing that you found Holly at a time you needed her. They both sound like wonderful dogs.

I haven’t had much experience with American Staffies. My family had the other type of Staffy cross Cattle dog when I was growing up, and they’ve got another Staffy cross now. The only time I met an American Staffy was the weekend when a lost/wandering one without a tag decided to hang out on our street so we let him in the yard to stay safe while finding his owner. He was quite young and seemed like a good dog. Can’t remember what we named him for the weekend but his real name was Lucia. 😛

I’m not sure, there’s still something about having a dog in an upstairs apartment that doesn’t sit right with me. But thanks for the idea. I didn’t know that about greyhounds.

Serenna, thanks for choosing my thread to make your first “real reply” 🙂 That’s a big step and I appreciate it. Those sound like some good ways to maintain contact with people, especially if you soon won’t be working. Congratulations on your upcoming retirement 🙂 Haha I’ve also noticed that about morning walkers being more likely to say hello, though it's been some time since I've been for a morning walk. Hope you have been having a good day.

Hi Dottie123, thanks for joining in on the thread. I haven’t seen an unconstructive post from you yet, so no worries there 🙂

Yeah you’re right about the quality of the connection being part of the problem. But I’m not sure how to be quality company for someone else, so by rights I can expect the same in return. It sucks that you’re feeling lonely too. Sorry to hear that.

Haha anyone in my “tribe” would have to be a pretty strange person. The tribe meeting is at 8:45pm, in the middle of an empty road. Anyone coming better bring their lyric sheets because it’s song night, every night.

Random blah stuff:

Tonight I’m a combination of sad and angry. More sad, which is a break from the violent thoughts. One would think that’d be a 100% good thing, but I’d be lying if I said they didn’t bring a sense of thrill and excitement.

Hey Spark

I agree with your thoughts to Boo1986

Boo, Like Spark I am sorry for your loss. Sarge had your heart and vice versa. 12 months or 12 days ago would contain the same level of pain. My Alaskan Malamute (Harley 2 Sox) passed in 2008. Its not morbid re Sarge's ashes being buried with you. My snow dog's ashes will be buried with me. I hear you.

Thanks Spark for letting me stick my 'beak' in

I hope your Saturday is good to you

Paul

Sorry to hear about your Harley 2 Sox too Paul. Pets hold a special place in the hearts and minds of those who are lucky enough to share their lives with them.

Hope you're having a good weekend as well.

Thanks Spark..He was a huge Malamute....The big dogs dont usually live too long unfortunately...

Really appreciate your understanding

Paul

Hi Sparkvark,

Apologies for the late response. I had a busy weekend and tried catching up on threads yesterday...till I ran out out of time and had to start getting ready for a party. Anyways...

Your sad/angry thoughts do sound very unsettling for you. To swing from sadness and anger would be very draining.

I don't know you very well but I wonder if sadness is atthe heart of the problem. I think it's often been said that anger is a "secondary emotion" like lots of people who are sad or even depressed express it in anger (like my dad). Just something random that I thought about but feel free to reject this idea if you think it's not relevant- no biggie.

Ha, ha if your "tribe" meets for nightly music-a-thons, I'm sure there'll be many people lining up to join!

Yeah, quality connections are a 2 way street (as you mentioned). I don't know...maybe you could try figuring out what you would want in another person for him/her to be quality company to you, and then try to speak/behave/act in the same way that you would like others to treat you (?) I'm just randomly throwing ideas out there. You're under no obligation to do as I'm suggesting of course (Dottie states the blatantly obvious).

Thanks, you're very generous. I can assure you that I definitely have moments where I'm talking complete and utter trite ha, ha.

Boo and Paul, I'm sorry about Sarge and Harley 2 Sox. It must have been extremely painful to say goodbye to them. Sometimes animal friends understand things that human ones don't understand.

Dottie x

Hi again Sparkvark, thanks for understanding 😃 They are very special to me.

I'm curious about your feelings, both sad and angry but more sad... was there something that bought this on or just one of those feelings you can't shake?

Depression often makes me feel angry but powerless to change the situation that made me angry, so then all that's left is sad. Sometimes there was no situation that caused the feeling of anger, therefore there is definitely no way to change it, so then again, the sadness comes.

I find it really difficult to 'snap out of' this sort of thing, as much as people say to, but I just can't although I really do try. For me, sometimes it is just a matter of time passing and eventually the feeling will fade. I have my good days and my bad days, I enjoy the good days as much as possible and just brace myself for the bad days.

I sometimes used to worry that I would get so angry I might act on that anger, either toward myself or others. Fortunately I am not the violent type but the symptoms I was experiencing really had nothing to do with my usual self at all, so I decided if I was feeling this way I would have some steps in place to avoid doing something I would regret. I would keep away from others for a short time so I would not hurt them. When I was feeling the worst, I would only talk on the phone or messages etc because I didn't want anyone to see me face to face for fear I might get too angry. I have it completely under control now so there is hope for everyone 😃

In other situations where there is an issue which I can fix, for example if someone is upsetting me with their behaviour, I speak to them (or write to them as I find it easier to express myself in writing) and if they do not change that behaviour I will simply stop seeing them (I didn't speak to my father for a few years) or if I have to interact with them (like people at work) I avoid anything more than work related conversations.

It may sound harsh but it is important that you are happy, and if someone is making you unhappy they do not deserve your time or attention.

If it is just a general feeling, I find that doing volunteer work really helps my mood in general. It makes me feel connected to like-minded people 😃

Boo1986
Community Member
Thanks blondguy, sometimes I think that people will just think I'm a crazy dog person, but I'm glad you get it. I'm so sorry for your loss, hopefully Sarge and Harley 2 sox have made friends and they will be playing together at rainbow bridge 😃 (it's my favourite poem but I cry every time I read it)