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Love is not enough

Lymbo
Community Member

I was involved with a narcissist partner for 3 years.

I pulled away last Tuesday as I realised that this person has no respect for my life, for my world, for my needs and never there to bat in my corner. For years it's been about them. I boxed in her corner 24/7 .

What kills me the most is
I have been there for her all the way.
I was there in her darkest hours
I was there to wipe her tears
I was there when everyone wasn't
I was there to pull her out of shit
I was there to hold her
I was there to find where her kids lived
I was there to make sure she had petrol
money u name it

im torn between love and still believing there is good in her

2 Replies 2

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi Lymbo, it does concern me what you have said, because how many times does this happen to people who help their spouse/partner by showing them their support and love in every possible way, but always seem to be rejected with no thanks or appreciation, well this happens so often, so it's a disappointment in every possible way, but more than that it's a betrayal.
A narcissist person has this capability, but you never know until the time comes when you are the one wanting their help, but they keep rejecting you, but you still believe that there is love between the two of you, all they want is to do concerns them and no one else, in other words love only goes one way for them.
You can't love someone when they don't show their love for you, because you are exerting all your energy on a person who maybe using you, I know this is so difficult to realise or understand, because you still believe that she loves you but 'actions are better than words'.
I don't like saying these words to a person who loves someone so much and I'm deeply sorry. Geof

White_Rose
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Lymbo

Welcome to Beyond Blue. I am sorry your life has gone a bit haywire and is causing you pain. It's never easy to leave a partnership, no matter how much or how little you care for the other person. Sometimes I believe we have to do what is right for us. I don't mean this in a selfish or self-serving way as we do have a responsibility to care for ourselves as well as our partners.

It seems that in life there are those who take and those who give. It would be lovely if everyone did both. It's not necessarily wrong to allow yourself to be cared for as it gives the other person the opportunity to demonstrate their love and affection. Is becomes a problem where there is an expectation of care with not reciprocal actions.

May I ask why you feel your partner is a narcissist? I know how easy it is to ask Dr Google and to make assumptions based on relatively small actions. I think we can all convince ourselves we have some horrible illness simply because the symptoms include those that are general in other illnesses. The problem is when we put a label on someone it colours the way we think of them. OK. This is the philosophy according to Mary, and not necessarily accurate.

I understand about believing there is good in someone and the sad part is that this is usually correct. I say sad as it's these memories that make us hesitant to leave someone. When we are happy we remember the good times and when we are unhappy or angry we remember the bad times. All very human but not helpful when trying to decide to leave.

I think you have put your finger on the right spot, respect. There can be no relationship of any kind with someone who does not respect you. This is where you need to take of yourself. If this was possible and you could stay in the relationship that would be good. However I suspect this is not a viable option.

Please remember you will continue to have doubts about the wisdom of your action further down the track. You will feel a little guilty for not being there, by not offering your support in the old way. This is where you need to remind yourself of your reason for leaving. If it helps I suggest you continue writing in here. We all need a helping hand.

Mary