Relationship advice

[Konnor]

Recently noticed a change in my partner about 3 weeks ago, she has become angry, stressed, anxious and unhappy. I feel as if certain events in her life within the past month has become to much and is struggling to deal with it aswell as an unhealthy relationship prior to us could be affecting. Says that she hates everyone and doesnt want to see anyone including myself and needs space and I completely understand that and i have told her im happy to give space and support her through this but she is insisting that she wants no help and to do this on her own. Which is causing her to be confused about what to do with our relationship, whether to go on a break she says she doesnt want to just throw it away but doesn't know what to do.I have suggested getting some professional help also. I don't want to pressure her but I feel like I am by just asking if shes ok. Im happy to give her all the space she needs and wants but im no just going to walk away she means alot to me.

I understand that she's going through some tough times. I have been through alot of anxiety and depression and anger myself and at the time I wanted no one to help me either but after coming out the other side I really wish I had reached out to people close to me.

What can I do to help?

[Croix]

Dear Konnor~

You sound very much at a loss and most unsure what to do. There's a lot of experience here, however before going further I do think you need to say a little more. Without that it's hard to have a meaningful conversation.

For example, 3 weeks is not long in the overall scheme of things, and wanting time out happens - particularly if the person involved feels overloaded - can't be the full story.

So can you say things like how long you have been together, what events recently might have triggered these problems in your partner, what was wrong in the past? Any kids? Either of you undergoing treatment?

Yes, pretty invasive, however we would not ask without reason, and you can rest assured this Forum is totally anonymous.

I do know one thing, from those times when I've been struggling, that my wife asking 'are you ok' was not helpful, quite the opposite. In those times I found it annoying, similarly offers of cups of tea and so on.

I did find talking to someone who had been in the same place about the thoughts and worries I was currently experiencing could be of assistance -if approached in the right way.

I know, not much help as yet.

Please post again and let us understand the full picture

Croix

[Konnor]

Hi Croix,

Thanks for your reply, we have been together 6 months. I understand 3 weeks isn't a long period however my concern is that its completely out of character and seemed to happen suddenly rather then over a period of time. There has been quite a bit of major family illness in the last month, working 2 jobs, 6 months before we started dating there was an abusive relationship, no children or treatment. Never fought or argued and are always open to talking about things in our relationship. And yes I agree asking a simple question as are you ok is quite the opposite. She has told me that when were together she knows im not doing anything wrong but she cant help but feel irritated and angry at me the same goes for her friends.

[Apollo_Black]

Hi Konnor

I'm sorry to say but this kind of behaviour 6 months into a relationship is a pretty big red flag. As hard as it sounds you need to think of yourself first and decide whether or not you can tolerate this environment. Do you need this kind of treatment/drama/behaviour in your life? Personally I'd see it as a bad sign and bail. If someone is asking for space it usually means they don't want to be with you nor in a relationship with you. Don't get sucked into her void.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Konnor,

And welcome to Beyond Blue.

Tricky situation that you’re faced with.

I’m guessing that due to your open communication method (which is awesome, by the way), you would have mentioned to her about your own brushes with depression, etc and how coming out of it on the “other side”, you wished you had sort help earlier?

While she suggests that she wants to be on her own and to deal with it ‘her way’; just coming from an outsiders point of view, if she’s to continue down this path and continue to be as she is, it’s going to make it awfully difficult for you. Especially if she’s going to be of the opinion that she doesn’t need help. Or even someone to talk to … which I was going to suggest, like a close friend, or the like; but in your message you stated that she wants to have nothing to do with her friends as well.

Also, when you say you’re together … are you actually living together? If not, this could be beneficial, as you can almost automatically give her space.

Not sure if I’ve been helpful, but thought I’d try to add a couple of things.

Kind regards

Neil

[Konnor]

Hi Neil1,

Thanks for the reply, she has decided it was best to end our relationship instead of keeping the uncertainty around, she has also told me she will be seeking help.

Thanks.

[james1]

Hey Konnor,

Sorry to hear about how everything turned out but at least it's reached a conclusion now. It might be hard to accept but it definitely sounds like there's some finality here.

Regardless of whether it was for better or worse, and we will never know, it is best to leave things as they are now.

I hope things don't get too rocky, and we're always here if you are struggling.

James

[Konnor]

Thanks James.

Currently I am feeling confused and have become quite stressed anxious and had a panic attack for the first time 2 days ago. I feel as if this has taken me a step backwards into anxiety and depression i have sought some help and will be seeing a psychologist during the week.

I know its probably not the best thing to do, but I looked back through messages from last week till the 25 of january and everything was fine i knew she was stressed we had spoken and she said that things with her dad who had the surgery and Uni were stressing her out(studying a PHD) and what not but between me and her everything was happy and enjoyable, we still had frequent physical interactions went out and enjoyed our selves, she would send random messages throughout the day telling me how lucky she was that where together as early as last week, over the weekend she had a rough day i asked if she was ok and she said she had looked into what she was feeling and sent me some info and wants to speak to someone.
-often angry and irritated with people over small things
-feel moody irratble
-dissatisfied with people around you

-cant pin down whats bugging you.

i told her that day that im there if she needs anything and she said she was going to go home and have sleep and relax and then go see some friends later that night i said not a problem hope you enjoy your night.

She messaged me goodnight that same night, the next morning she asked if i wanted to get breakfast and hangout for the day i said sure so we did, as the day went on she seemed to be getting quitier and a bit distant you could say, we went to bed that night and i said do you want to talk about whats going on, she said that she doesnt know whats going on shes never felt like this and cant understand why she feels angry or irratible the longer we hang out, and that maybe space would be good, i left and went home. the next day she calls me saying that she thinks a break or space would be good but still wanted me to go away with her this weekend (we planned a trip a couple weeks ago) i said whatever you need and if you still want me to go with you i will but if you need space thats fine (she said she could go on her own as there was another couple going) i messaged her goodnight that night and said im here for you whatver you need, i know its hard but please dont push me away im your partner and im here to support you she got angry and said to leave her alone, the next contact i had she broke up with me.

[james1]

Hey Konnor,

Ah the message checking trap... I am guilty of it too many times and it's so easy to do. I totally understand.

I read what you wrote and all I can say is that it sounds like there is just a lot of confusion on her end as well as yours. As you probably know, the safest bet is just to let it be. She doesn't sound like she wants to go through this ... whatever it is she's feeling ... with you around. I think that much is clear, even if the reasons aren't.

She may change her mind, but it is usually a good guess that she won't and will need to figure stuff out on her own.

Every person is different, but I have to delete messages from my phone or I am prone to checking. It hurts like hell because it's like deleting a part of your life, but the important things will stay in your memory forever.

James