Daughter needing to help her father

[Confused_helpless]

Hi all,

So since I was 7 I have been in a family where my parents have had issues. My dad soon turned to alcohol and finally.mum couldn't handle.it and left.

Its been 7yrs after they divorced but my dad is depressed and still turns to alcohol. His lost himself and become so anti social. I'm constantlt crying and arguing. I feel resentment towards my mum because she didn't try to help him. And now his worse off and still loves her. I'm married with. Hildenborough and it's affecting my happiness cause dad won't go to see a pyscologist or anyone for any type of help. What can I do please help

[nowhereman]

Hi Guest. Im Max. My father was an alcoholic. He was constantly anti social.but i found a softer side to him.i would tell him i.loved him.then repeat it till he sometimes broke down.then i said i know he is angry at the world for never getting to know his real father.this was the main reason he drank. He divorced my mum when i was about 5 yo. Mum was always dating other men. My dad passed away about six years ago from a massive stroke. I think he had severe depression. Lost his 1st and last born kids. Maybe .ask him if he would go along to a dr with you.and then a therapist .maybe.together as it seems you have a good bond with him and his drinking is getting in the way of that. . But he must want to get better. If not for him.for you. I hope theres a breakthrough soon. Max

[Croix]

Dear 8753
It can seem a big step to post on this site, takes courage or desperation or both. It’ a good choice though as there are people here who have walked down just about every path in life, and who wish to give those that follow a helping hand to ease their steps. - So Welcome

Looking at your post I can see something straight away, it’s not just your dad that needs support – it is you too. There’s a notice in aircraft that exactly sums it up:

Put oxygen mask on self before the next person

Now my apologies if you have already done the things I'm about to list...

You have to be fit before you can help anyone. If I was in your position I’d visit my GP and talk over the situation, both from the point of view of assessing your own mental and physical well-being and about the practical steps that can be taken in relation to your father

You may think it irrelevant to have your own mental state checked, however with such a long period of trial, and having it start at such an early age there is quite a possibility it may have left more mark on you than you realize. Typically an Anxiety issue

For your information there is a wealth of information on the bb pages under the drop-down menu called The Facts. There you can find out about Anxiety, Depression & Alcoholism; causes, effects & treatments

For support there is the thread you have started here, also a section in posts for Supporting family and friends with a mental health condition (carers)

If things get on top of you you can speak directly to our very understanding and professional staff via the 1300 22 4636 help line and chat facilities - don't hesitate to do this, it is quite normal to do so and no reflection on you. In fact it can demonstrate you have a pretty good grip on things and are using wisely what's available to you.

I’ve not mentioned much about your marriage, as I was unable to understand ‘Hildenborough’. Of course the stress in your situation is a whole-family matter with partner support, where available, being a very large factor

I’ve also not mentioned your father’s (or your mother’s either) predicament – one thing at a time

Please don’t hesitate to keep on posting, you’ll always be assured of a warm reception

My best wishes

Croix

[pipsy]

Hi Guest. I do feel your pain and heartbreak as far as your dad's battle with alcohol. The pain for the depression will keep him 'reaching' for the bottle. Alcohol, while it numbs the pain from the depression, it feeds the depression, so while your dad is drinking, the pain is not so unbearable. It's a downward, vicious cycle and your dad is going to need help. Your mum couldn't help your dad as he is the only one who can stop drinking. There is a thread called 'battling the booze', which may help give you an insight as to alcohol dependence. I am a recovering alcoholic, I found with me, the only thing that gave me an incentive was a massive health scare earlier this year. I wanted to stop drinking, but I needed a reason. Just being begged by my kids wasn't enough. I have a bf who understands, he 'got through' to me, but it took time. I met a guy earlier this year who is also a recovering alcoholic, he had an horrific accident which almost cost him his son. He showed me some graphic photo's of the accident. My own father had been involved in an accident where my mum nearly died. While dad's accident momentarily stopped me, there was no support to help me, so I resumed drinking. The guy who had nearly lost his son, gave me some guidelines on how to avoid drink. Because I wanted to stop, these guidelines helped me. Your dad has to want to stop. It is not your mum's fault, nor yours, nor for that matter, is it your dad's fault. Alcoholism is an illness and needs to be recognized as such. If your marriage is suffering from your dad's alcohol abuse, you need to distance yourself, until you get some advice on how best to help him. You could try phoning AA as they do have help available. I chose not to go there because of the religious side. It is a personal choice, but help is available. To really help and support your dad, you will need to understand the illness/addiction.

Lynda