Crying tears on the inside

[Doolhof]

Yesterday was the 23rd anniversary of our son's premature birth and early death.

I feel like I have no one here to share those thoughts and emotions with in person.

That makes me feel so very much alone and very sad.

I've been crying rivers of tears on the inside. I keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep plodding along through the day.

I'd love for this pain to leave me alone. At times it feels so consuming, like it will swallow me up. But I keep going on. One painful step at a time.

I never knew that love and grief could hurt so much.

My dearest son, at least you are there with your siblings, where ever "There" may be.

I will always love you all with all my heart. Huge hugs and never ending love, from your Mum xxx

[Guest_322]

Hi again Mrs. D,

Wow, you did some impressive prep work yesterday to be ready for your epic lunch today. You deserved that afternoon snooze!

It must be so painful (& very lonely at times) for you when want to share and honour your beautiful babies' memories with your loved ones. But they're not comfortable talking about it. That must be hard for you.

So I second Carol's suggestion for you to use this forum space to share as many memories as you want with us. We can hold your hand a little as you grieve and remember.

Dottie xx

[Doolhof]

Dear July, Carol, Geoff and all,

Thank you so very much for all your beautiful, comforting and loving words. They mean so very much to me.

At school when we had career days, all I ever wanted was to be a stay at home Mum with 6 children! I used to look after people's children frequently waiting for the day when I would be able to hold my own children.

With each pregnancy my heart swelled, plans were made, a multitude of names were thought of, pictures formed in my mind of many precious times to come.

Unfortunately I was never able to get past 21 weeks gestation. Instead of planning for a birth I was arranging funerals. If a baby is born at 20 weeks a funeral is legally required.

I remember Mother's Days spent with my husband's family where I was in tears and told to shut up and get on with it. They could not understand why I was grieving babies who did not have a chance to live.

My husband never saw our babies. I get that. It is not for everyone. He had left the hospital when the births took place as he couldn't handle it. Thankfully the hospital staff were reasonably sympathetic.

I was kept on the labour ward with other ladies giving birth around me. One of the nurses went in and told one of the ladies to shut up as she needed to show me some respect. How do you manage that when you are in agony! Ha. Ha.

I asked if I could be moved to a different ward, but for some reason that wasn't possible. I was in a room with other ladies beaming with pride over their new-borns and ecstatic families celebrating with them.

Once at home friends and my husband had packed up the nursery and emptied the cupboards of all the baby stuff I had bought. I appreciated what they had done in good faith, but it hurt like crazy at the same time.

When my 5th pregnancy ended, again under different circumstances than the rest, my Dr. said that was enough. He told me my body just did not want to carry a baby full term.

A year or two later my husband had testicular cancer. Definitely no more pregnancies now.

In all of this, I have to believe and trust that God knows best. I believe my babies are in heaven. They are all there waiting for me. Some days I so desperately want to be with them. My own death does not scare me. I just have to keep telling myself that I have to wait for that to happen under natural causes as well!

In the meantime I have a heart full of love and compassion for all around me. I try to make the most of each day.

[Doolhof]

Thanks again for all your love and compassion.

Now it is time for me to prepare for about 30 people coming for lunch.

In my mind I will pretend they are here to help celebrate our son!

They are actually a bunch of people from a club my husband is involved in, so if I bring out a cake and ask them all to sing Happy Birthday to our son, they will all think I have gone bonkers! Ha. Ha.

My husband would probably call the police and have me taken away. Or he might just suggest I have a cup of tea then go for a walk to clear my head.

Either way, I will celebrate in my heart as I do each and every day the memories of our children.

I will go down and give the chooks a hug. They don't like it very much but at least they don't scratch me like the cat does!

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

[Lost_Girl]

Happy Birthday to your beautiful angel son. Always remembered by his loving Mum.

Hugs to you Mrs. D.

Perhaps when you have some time, you could look on the web for hire a grandma in your local area. It is a service where they pair you with a family who don't have a grandparent. You have so much love to give, perhaps this might be an option for you.

Love to you, and your angel babies xx

[Doolhof]

Hi Carol,

Thanks for the idea of "Hire a Grandma". I have never heard of this so will look it up, thanks.

For many years I had thought about fostering children, but my husband does not like the idea.

Over the years I have had many special moments with other people's children, I cherish those memories.

At Church I am the youngest one there at just over 50, so I am the "kid" at Church. Ha. Ha. The old dears call me the young person!

Since we moved here almost 4 years ago, I have not met people in the region with children, but will check out your suggestion!

Cheers and thanks again, from Mrs. Dools

[Lost_Girl]

You're welcome Mrs. Dools.

While I haven't used the service I know how much a substitute can mean.

My Mum passed away a month before my first child was born. She had been the youngest member of a ladies group that was set up to give the older ladies of the town to meet up for a cuppa and do some craft together and have a chat.

By the time Mum passed she was still the second youngest at 67. Most were late 70's or in their 80's. As a group they decided to be my child's collective grandmas. They put together a baby care basket and even though I moved state my child continued to receive a birthday card each year from his grandmas. Each xmas I send them a card and an update on our lives. A beautiful gesture from them that means so much to me because it is a connection to my Mum.

While I know there are special parts of your heart reserved forever for your little angels, I hope you find more ways to share it as you're a beautiful soul.

Carol xx

[Fairywings]

Oh sweet one i'm so sorry for ur loss i understand how unbearable loosing a child is I have four of my babies in heaven with the angels but i know they are always near, i also nearly lost my little boy deon at birth too for approx 6 minutes but god decided to give him to me i don't know if i could have gone thru another loss xx i would have dealt with that if it came about i guess, but deon is here and my little one has autism. At the time when i lost my children (i had carried them until about 24 weeks unfortunately miscarried 😞 ) i would always speak to them and write to them ur little angel baby is never far away believe me he will always be with his beautiful mumma. love & light to you sweetheart nice to finally meet you Venessa xx

[Doolhof]

Hi Carol,

Thanks for sharing your beautiful story.

I did look up "Adopt a Granny" and various sites like that. They were very interesting. I will do a bit more investigating.

We moved to the country almost 4 years ago to a very small town. I will see what schemes the larger towns closer to us have on offer.

Thanks for your encouragement and support.

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

[annemade]

Thank you Doolhof for sharing your story; you helped me decide to write William's story here; very few people I know have any idea of the dreadful ongoing hurt caused by the loss of a child, this can make us suffer in silence rather than open up. Our loss and subsequent behavioral problems of our eldest son have caused me to feel guilty and not much of a parent for many years. It took a resent shock to bring it all back with a vengeance...the protective wall I had build all came tumbling down.

Saturday was the 21st anniversary of the death of our two and a half year old son, William , to SIDS. I don't feel the pain as much on the day as the weeks leading up to it. It is a pain that is beyond any, as it remains, regardless of how many years pass.

In many ways I feel lucky we had the joy of our little boy for the time we did, most SIDS deaths are much younger. We have a piece of art he did at his brothers pre school on sibling day and I have the memory of him presenting me with lemons that he and his older brothers stole from the neighbour's tree...these memories are worth more than anything, and I will treasure them forever.
Being able to share stories on these pages is a huge help; we are not judged. Thank you

[Airies]

Hello Mrs Dools,

thinking of you during this time.its hard and each aniversary is tough. I was a premature baby, and lost my twin at birth. Back then they buried premis in unmarked graves. 30 years later my wife and I were on IVF. At 22 weeks my wife we lost our twins. My daughter died in my arms.A year and 3 days later we lost triplets at 11 weeks.As a male I felt completely useless, I could only console my wife but thankfully the staff at the hospital were great and the gravedigger wouldn't take any money and people were so generous.That was 23 years ago. Briefly in our arms, forever in our hearts in on the inscription. One day I will join my precious babies in heaven,

my thoughts are with you and warmest hugs

Len