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Crying tears on the inside

Doolhof
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Yesterday was the 23rd anniversary of our son's premature birth and early death.

I feel like I have no one here to share those thoughts and emotions with in person.

That makes me feel so very much alone and very sad.

I've been crying rivers of tears on the inside. I keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep plodding along through the day.

I'd love for this pain to leave me alone. At times it feels so consuming, like it will swallow me up. But I keep going on. One painful step at a time.

I never knew that love and grief could hurt so much.

My dearest son, at least you are there with your siblings, where ever "There" may be.

I will always love you all with all my heart. Huge hugs and never ending love, from your Mum xxx

51 Replies 51

Dear Venessa,

Thank you for sharing your story with us all. It is such a comfort to know that someone understands and has compassion, some people just don't get it.

My Dr. sent me to a grief counsellor to help me overcome my deep feelings of loss for our babies. The lady told me I should be thankful I never had kids! I just looked at her incredulously and walked out the door.

One day I was talking to my younger sister about our babies. She actually came in to hospital and saw our son, the only person to do so. She told me she always thinks of him as a baby, where as I consider how my children would be relating to their date of birth/death.

All our precious children will be waiting for us. That is so comforting to know.

Give Deon a hug from me.

Cheers and much love from Mrs. D

Dear Annemade,

Thank you for sharing William's story. I'm so very sorry your son died in such mysterious and dreadful circumstances. Any death is sad, but you don't expect to put a baby to sleep to have them not wake again.

It is wonderful you have some memories of William to cherish.

No one can know the extent of the grief and sense of loss that people feel when they loose a loved one.

If you would like to share more about William, you know as you mentioned, this is a non judgemental place to do so.

There are many compassionate, loving and caring people here on this site. It is wonderful how people help each other out in so many different ways.

On a lighter note, we had our nephews staying with us when they were about 2 and 4. I told my husband they sounded rather quiet so I went out to see what they were up to. They were busy pulling all the plants out of their plant pots! I had just watered them, so they came out easily. Ha. Ha.

I cherish these memories too, memories of other people's children who have come into my life.

Thanks again for sharing here.

Cheers for now from Doolhof

annemade
Community Member

Thank you Doolhof

people can be very unthinkingly cruel, sometimes it is easier not to mention William's loss to anyone.

Haha yes pot plants can be a lot of fun! I was on the phone, thinking the boys cant get out of the back yard and Andrew wouldn't have left William anyway...but it was very quiet. I go out just in time to catch Willy squeezing under the fence! little monkeys! The neighbours' had seen them and just had a good laugh!

Fairywings
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Ohmy goodness well i am glad u walked out xx yes our precious babies r waiting for us and yes I will give my baby boy a big hug from you xx len ur story just made me cry my heart really does go out to all who have lost their children they r a missing piece but definitely never forgotten xx

Dear Venessa, Annemade and Len,

Sorry for the losses you have had. Beautiful treasured angels, never forgotten and always loved.

Carol xx

Thank-you for ur beautiful words lovely lady xx yes very much indeed.

Airies
Community Member

Thankyou Carol and Vanessa,

they are all special. Didn't mean to make you cry: ( condolences to all.

Regards Len

Doolhof
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Len,

Thank you so very much for sharing your story about your precious babies. If you don't mind me asking, were you and your wife able to have live children at all?

My Mum had a son who was born at 7 months gestation. He lived for about three days. Way back then in the early 60's and living in a small country town, there was no hope for him. Mum said he was put in a shoe box, put in someone's boot and send home to my Dad. Mum was kept in hospital for two weeks and was not able to attend the funeral.

At least these days a babies' death is respected and recognised by some people as being important and needing recognition.

If you don't mind me asking Len, did you grow up feeling like someone was missing in your life? My brother was born 10 months before I was born. ( I was about 4 weeks prem) I grew up feeling like someone was missing from our family. As a child I used to set 6 places at the table when we were only a family of five.

Thanks again for sharing Len. My husband still has no idea how to comfort me when I am grieving, so I try not to let him know when I am hurting.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

Doolhof
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hi Everyone,

It is wonderful we have found this place where we can share our precious babies memories and find comfort and solace amongst people who understand and care.

I'm wondering if any of you would like to share ways that you cope, or ways that you remember your children/babies?

When our son was born, Mum helped me make posies of violets to place on his coffin. We have moved house twice since then, each time I have dug up some violets to take to the next garden. I also bought some rose bushes and asked my husband to help me put them in the garden. He did not know the significance of them, but to me they are also a memorial to our babies.

I bought a ring as well as a way of remembering our babies. It has 5 stones in it. One for each baby.

On a brighter note, children are so funny aren't they!

I was having a weekend away with my sister and two nieces. My sister asked miss 4 what she would like for lunch. Miss 4 stood there with hands on her hips and said "Something sensible!" I was trying hard not to crack up laughing. When my sister asked her what that might be, she answered "Chocolate Chip Biscuits of course!"

Amongst the pain we can still find happiness and laughter.

Cheers all, love and hugs from Mrs. Dools

Hi All,

Here is a little update on my happenings. After posting here and feeling so sad, lonely and depressed due to my feelings of grief, I have decided to contact the local "Riding for the Disabled" group and will chat to a lady on Monday about volunteering.

I will get to be with children and also with horses. I'm quite excited to get started.

Cheers, from Mrs. Dools