Hi Amali,
Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear that this period has been emotionally trying on you. It is unfortunate but almost all of us will, at some point, go through a painful breakup in our lives.
It does also sound that your ex has been going through a very difficult time, losing his mum and obviously needing to seek approval from the outside world (a constantly changing, ever insecure place on which to rely!) which only ever ends in more pain. And the steroids, these can be a very obvious catalyst for drastic changes in male behaviour. I have seen guys literally come undone mentally after using steroids. They become wholly different people. These are not to be messed with, and clearly, they have had a profound impact on the guy you knew.
It would be hard for me to tell you anything other than what you have already decided yourself - that you are in for more pain should you get back into this relationship. Perhaps the one thing you can do, given your ex is clearly in a difficult period in his life, is encourage him to get help reconciling the loss of his mother; and to normalize his life in a "clean" way (no roids!). The best you can offer him, and he needs to know this, is advice and support even if it is from afar or simply via your mobile phone.
He needs to be able to right his own ship, only then will there ever be a possibility of a "normal" relationship. Without this stability, all relationships he has may likely run the same course.
I admire your compassion for reaching out, what is really on his behalf. You are clearly a strong person if you have abstained from contact for 4 months. He is the one who needs help, and you can guide him there but right now, until he is back in balance, holding your course is probably the smart play.
Good luck to you.
Steve
