confused and divided

[travelsoul]

Well i have a girlfriend of 3 years and my family who she sees them using me and i see as our close family ties my parents live in a granny flat on my land so im linked to my brother and sister visiting often my girlfriend  thinks im be used . When i like my family visiting . My parents pay a rent and are very helpfull to me with my yard as im away a lot as a truckdriver. I understand my girlfriend  but she cant see how close our family are and i understand her point but i love her as well. Thankyou 

[Jacko777]

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums travelsoul.

I guess all you can do is be clear to your girlfriend about your parents and her. How does this affect your girlfriend? Perhaps she feels that you need more alone time together, maybe that is something you can organise, ensure that you get time together. Perhaps she does not have that closeness with her own family and maybe she will grow to appreciate it.

Jack

[Guest_1055]

Hey travelsoul

 I wanted to say hello, and give you a welcome hug. I'm not sure what else to say. But I hope you are OK today.

 hug

Shelley xx

[travelsoul]

thanks shelley still hurt my girlfriend not talking to me either now. sitting here thinking to much i feel.

[Guest_1055]

Hey travelsoul

I am imagining you are crying on the inside, but if you are not.... well I am crying for you instead. It does hurt, just let it all out, just let it all out......

With a huge hug to you

Shelley xx

[travelsoul]

Thankyou shelley why are relationships so difficult . Maybe i. To desperate to hold on to her. 

[travelsoul]

Thanks for the kind words .i suppose we are not communicating well i did  say some harsh things but she just tells me im being sellfish.

 Cant see it but im hurting really and im back to work tomorrow  for a week or so i hope i will cope ok. Do you peaple think i should keep messaging her even though shes not replying. Or should i rest it.

[Guest_1055]

Hey travelsoul,

I long to be able to tell you what you should do, but I don't really know. I hope you cope OK at work tomorrow.

Hugs to you, and you are right communication is often a challenge. And sometimes when we speak harshly to someone, and say we are sorry.....well I think that helps.

Shelley xxx

[geoff]

dear Travelsoul, can I just take away the situation where they are living in a granny flat, and live somewhere else, well any intruding parent in law that frequents your house too many times, and unexpectedly, could then cause problems for your girlfriend, feeling as though they are interfering in your life by dominating in what you and g/friend should do.

Now bring this back to your parents living on the same property in a granny flat, well the problem can then just becomes worse, because there is a clash of personalities, which could be why she says that you are being used.

The reason she's not talking to you is just because she wants the situation to change, so you're 'caught between a rock and a hard place', so it's a difficult situation you are in, because you want your parents to live there, but you also want your g/friend to stay with you, but a clash compromises harmony.

If someone rents a house or flat then they are responsible for the lawns, the gardens and to keep the place clean, that's what is said in the contract, so by your parents doing any of this is something that needs to be done, however I haven't taken into account for how old they are.

While you are away working your g/friend may be tempted to complain of something that has happened, and I don't think that's what you would like, however sms her every second day or every day if you feel as though you want to. Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear Travelsoul

Welcome to Beyond Blue. It's good to have neutral place to go to when you are troubled. We want to help you as much as possible but not be making up your mind for you.

I am rather at a loss why your GF feels your family is using you. Have you asked her? Have you asked what she expects you to do? It seems to me from your posts that she will only be happy if your parents leave your property. Is this what she wants? Is this what you want? I am presuming that she lives with you.

How close to your home is the granny flat? Can you hear each other? Do you parents come and go into your home without being asked? Do they tell you how to manage the property?

I am asking these questions because it may help to see where the difficulties lie. I think I would feel uncomfortable if my in-laws wandered in and out of my home, but if the two households were fairly separate I see no problems. Of course this is my point of view and not yours or your GF.

It seems a shame to have such as division in the family. Families to me are very precious and are always there for you. I think your GF not speaking to you is a controlling mechanism. I say this because my husband used this to make me upset and insecure. And it worked. It is not part of loving your partner to make life difficult, and this goes both ways.

You and your GF need to talk constructively about the feelings of both of you.  Not just what one person wants but what you both need. And since your parents already live, at your invitation, on your property, it would be very unkind not to take their needs into consideration.

Once you have had a good talk with the GF and perhaps discovered why she does not want your family around you can start to work on solutions. You know it could be as simple as jealousy. You appear to take more notice of your family, and parents in particular, and your GF feels neglected.

While you are away you will have time to and distance to consider the issues. Perhaps you can text her before you return to say you want to sit down and discuss the matter in depth. She can also think about what she wants to happen. I hope you can reach a solution that makes everyone happy but be prepared to make hard decisions.

Mary