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Loss of fiencee

Community Member

I moved into a flat complex and after a few months met a really nice lady of 32 (I was 43)

We really got on well and had great connection, but we did have communication issues. I also had Anxiety and meltdowns where I'd snap at her about something, then feel like everything had collapsed, I was a monster and it was all over. Id go offline for days.

At the time, I was doing 3x 15 hour days in a row due to TAFE.

We got engaged as part of the inertia of our relationship. We were both virgins.
I had more and more anxiety about the reception, and eventually blew up at Fiancée even though it wasn’t anything to do with her.

Put a 'trial breakup in' her family closed up and even though we got back together after a few days as usual, I felt I was on the outer. I got more and more negative until Fiancée said 'well I think the wedding should be cancelled' I went into shock and started cancelling stuff.
I was in Grief shock and couldn’t talk properly to her, but wanted to contact her so I was split both ways.

There was then a lot of stuff going on where I tried to get back, and she would rebuff, then she may have tried to get back and I panicked and ran away.

I also moved out of the flat which probably wasn’t a good sign for her, but I couldn’t handle her presence, even the sound of her opening her garage.
All this settled down to 4 years of me scenarioising about what she was doing and hoping I could get back to her. Without contacting her.

I cannot release from this!!!

Last Weekend I contacted mother because I wanted to try to ‘catch up’, who told me she has a boyfriend since early this year, they are having sex, is living with the guy and that the mother doesn't see her much. This really hurts because obviously she was not comfortable with me, but is with this person. She is in a Comfortable and Powerful relationship.
I'm the last dog in the shop.

I am REALLY grieving *again* for the loss of my life partner – due to me, and that she has moved on, but not me.

I am scared because I only met this person by good fortune when I moved in I won’t have that opportunity to meet someone again as I’m not social.

I don’t want to live a single life!

I want to be loved, and to love, but it feels impossible.

I am taking Anxiety meds, but history doesn't change.

2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Stephen, welcome

You mentioned " I won’t have that opportunity to meet someone again as I’m not social." and therein lies the issue surrounding everything about your life I'm afraid.

Opportunities are made, they rarely just come about like that relationship you had. Furthermore as I've proved to myself several times in long term relationships...the best form of healing your mind and ridding yourself of the loss/grief of losing her is to find love again. With every failed relationship comes a honing of your skills more towards what you want due to your level of experience.

Examples of this for me have been- in my twenties I lived with a lady and her toddler son for 6 years. I'd always waited for her commitment level to become more than what she gave. Lesson for me- find out a partners desires, needs and wishes within the first few months before you move in and live on hope. My first marriage in my 30's for 11 years, we had two children. I worked 3 jobs so she could be the old fashioned "home maker". In effect she was so lazy I also did everything else like cooking, washed clothes, changed nappies for more often than her and held onto those 3 jobs which included long shift work in security. She failed dismally as a homemaker and in turn I collapsed in a terrible mental state. Lessen...seek our a prospective partners work ethic and how much he/she cares for YOU. In the 2000's lived with a lady for 10 years. She was the step mother from hell. Turned out she was extremely jealous of everyone in my life including my girls. Lesson- find out early if your prospective step parent is a nurturing type of person that loves all children.

Now I'm married again to a friend I've known for 28 years and happy. Compatible and she has always been my girls favourite auntie by marriage. (She was my brother in law's wife I matchmade them and was best man lol

I've gone on a bit. My message is to spread your wings. Do this by joining clubs and organisations. Line dancing, parachuting clubs, hot air ballooning, motorcycling, sports and so on. Yes it isn't easy for some that haven't got the gift of the gab but you shouldn't give up.

You make your own luck in life. Start by keeping busy, find or expand your hobbies and interests. If you aren't busy enough, you'll keep focussed on your last love. Not good.

Finally therapy would do you the world of good. Seek out a visit to your GP. Look after your mental health.

Tony WK

Tony, I really appreciate this!
Because I chose to be on the other side of Sydney, I don't have the closeness of friends /family, however the local Church has been a great start.
I'll try acting - did a short promo class for one School in the city.  I'll try joining a band, and will see if they want a volunteer at the local hospital on the weekends.

I've got to get rid of the emotional baggage, and for some reason, I am continuously going over all the above stuff I wrote, like WHY did I not tell her I couldn't hear her at the garage when she said something very important for 5 mins - this could have changed everything etc etc etc..
I've tried to look at google but there's not that many "moving on" advice sites that's based for men, but it seems that for everyone, raising the amount and importance of everything *else* that I do relegates the breakup issues to un-importance.

Cheers and hope I can break this problem soon.